Mutterings and Musings

To Agree, or Not to Agree

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Evelyn Beatrice Hall

War Chest Wednesday;
What is the difference between 'judging' someone and simply 'disagreeing' with someone? Is it possible to let someone know you disagree with them without judging them?

I've spent most of the day mulling over this question; unfortunately I mis-remembered it as disagreeing and arguing (i.e. having a full-blown fight). I even came up with (what I at least think is) a great little analogy about disagreeing being like aching after the gym (if I never do another AMRAP slam-ball again.... ) and fighting being like recovering from the flu..... Oh well.

Still, in my opinion, judging is even more unpleasant. It's not just telling a person you differ in opinion, it's telling them that in someway or another you think they are actually inferior. Disagreeing about things can be healthy; it shows independent thinking and, hopefully, still allows for respect of the other person. A difference in opinion can lead to compromise or 'agreeing to disagree'; judging doesn't allow for either.
For instance, the S.O. is currently building us a house (*shrieks, dances up and down, shrieks for joy some more*) and we have hugely differing tastes. Give me a 200yr old farmhouse with two-foot thick granite walls, books in every room* and at least three random species of animal roaming free. S.O. prefers steel-and-glass everywhere, stark white walls, books with a stratospheric photo-to-word ratio. And pets happen to other people.
Thankfully whenever we've sat down to discuss things there is always a middle ground where, whilst never our first choices, neither of us is unhappy - he gets his white paint and I'm having a library.**
But if we started judging each other....


Judging is visceral. Yes it's possible to judge favourably, but it's also less common. Judging is emotional and so often hurtful. Disagreeing allows for acceptance of another's opinion, if it is opinions that are in question, or logical discussion, if it a subject with a definitive answer (e.g. maths).

I could go on, but frankly my shoulders are killing me; tempting though it is to judge Coach Ted as evil, sadistic, and misbegotten, I shall try and go with simple disagreement; he thinks I can do 50 slam-balls without throwing up. I don't.



*except the bathroom; books and steam don't mix well.
** okay, it's a box room given over to bookshelves. I'm calling it a library, because I can.