Just Be There Blog

Seven

Those who don't look for you, don't ask about you, or don't miss you; don't care about you...

What about those folks who think about you, yet make it a point to avoid looking for you, or asking about you in order to give the impression they actually don't care? How many people are around in this world who have to forcibly disassociate themselves from a personal connection with someone because that person has chosen to leave them.

In 2003 I ran into that problem. For all intent and purpose, I put up the facade that the love of my life no longer mattered. Albeit, I didn't manage the facade very well for the first couple years; however, as the years accumulated, it became easier to "not care" for real. There are moments in time when I wonder if 'that' person thinks about me as I find myself wondering about them. (Such as the most recent moment which set me down to type out this free write).

I shared ten years of my life with this person, and even with thirteen years of not being in touch, I still feel the twinge of attachment. When she made the final break, the break I could not deny as the final reality, then I distanced myself within myself from everyone she still chose to stay connected.

Today, I am quite independent of personal attachments. I have a cat with whom I share my home. Period. I have family acquaintances but no one in my life whom I can call a true friend.

I admit there are still emotional attachments in my life...but at a distance. My surviving son and daughter still evoke deep feelings. If something were to happen to them I'd grieve horribly. I still find moments when I grieve for my oldest child who passed on to the next adventure five years ago. I have dreamed about him, in fact, as recently as last week. The last time I dreamed about "that other" person was last year about this time of year.

How I react to death of a loved one and death of a relationship is a learned thing. It started when I was a child and with each experience of unresolved separation anxiety, my internal alienation from emotional attachment became stronger. I'm not bragging nor am I complaining, I'm just stating a fact of life for me.