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Lists, Day 14: House Rules.

Well, this could get kinda tricky...I've seen House Rules on a couple other lists, but I live basically by myself in a rented room so really, the rules only apply to me and there are no rules. But I've also lived in different environments with different people, so I think what you're gonna end up seeing now are a combination of rules I used to live by with former roommates and ex-girlfriends.

Also, from a rules perspective, I'm (in my opinion) pretty easy to live with. I'm easygoing and pretty much DGAF unless you're really starting to piss me off. And if that's the case, you should probably avoid the basement .

Also also...these rules are subject to change based on the situation and my preferences.

1) Take your shoes off at the door. Or don't. I really don't care. That was more my ex's thing, and it applied to everyone except me, because rules don't apply to me. See, here's the real issue: if you have a "Take your shoes off at the door" policy at your place, I'm leavin' my kicks on. I used to be really self-conscious about my feet stank (and for good reason, but now it seems like a non-existent thing)...ain't no street meat I could possibly drag in on the soles of my shoes that was worse than me in just my socks. And now, it's just a matter of convenience. I hate tying my shoes, and I'm really starting to dislike even putting them on and taking them off, because it's just so much work. I'd rather not, kthanks.

2) If you listen to a cd, put it back where you found it. DMFM was the worst offender. I kept my cds in those big books...the ones that would hold 200+. I had six or seven of them, and they were arranged by genre. I know, who does that? Me, that's who. Anyway, Dave would come over, looking for something specific, and then he'd just start leaving cds all over the fucking place, so my tv, coffee table, stereo cabinet, and living room in general looked like a graveyard for listened-to emo classics. Because Dave only came over it seemed when I was listening to hip hop or something "not Dave-friendly", as he would put it. And I'm one of those "it's not lost if I know where it is" types, who can find the random shit quickly if it's where I last put it.

3) Do not leave less than one serving in the box/pitcher/carton/container. Fucking kids...if you have kids, they're the fucking worst about this. On that one day you really want a bowl of cereal, they will be sure to leave you with approximately 2.5 teaspoons of Cheerios in the box. But that's ok, because they also left one and a half swallows of milk in the god damn carton too.

4) Rinse the sink. Why do people have such a hard time brushing their teeth? I see how much toothpaste is used in ads and commercials...when in reality you only need to use 1/4th of that amount. Yet I'll walk into people's bathrooms and it's like someone tried to battle the faucets with lasers that shoot streams of Crest. And you'd think I was talking about five-year-olds...naw homie, I'm talkin' 'bout grown-ass men. And it's not like they were fighting the tube to get the last couple pumps out at the end or something...there's still half a mangled tube left! And people who don't squeeze from the bottom of the tube also piss me off. And while we're on the topic of sinks (and this applies to bathtubs too, ladies), if you shave, clean your nasty deposited hair outta there, drain included. No one wants to see your stubble littering the place like the Stubble Fairy sprinkled magical hair trimmings around during the razor party. Be considerate.

5) Don't ask me if you can have something to eat. This is rule #1 from my very first apartment...I understand your wanting to be polite and shit, but this is a fridge, and these are the cabinets. It's not a museum. If you're hungry, eat. Just clean up after yourself.

6) Don't open doors. This pertains to closets and bedrooms. Look, I'm not really that private of a person, and I don't have a whole lot to hide, nor am I really a messy person, but respect the sanctity of my privatest places y'all. If I thought it was potentially your business, it'd be more easily accessible. And nobody likes a nosy snoop.

7) Don't bother me if I'm in the bathroom. Like many people, I'm a deep thinker when I'm in the shower. I can't be interrupted, or else I might slip and drown (I have a deep paranoia of falling in the shower). There is not one emergency that can't wait for me to dry off and maybe put some clothes on. Also, I like peace and quiet...and sometimes the best way to enjoy that is while snappin' off a log, if ya know what I'm sayin'. I like to read a magazine or occasionally partake in a crossword puzzle, especially if I know I'm about to settle in for a good poop. I would be less mad if you barged in on me having sex just to tell me you finally beat the computer while playing Madden on your Xbox than I'd be if you knocked on the door while I was takin' a shit to tell me a SWAT Team was on our premises looking for three escaped serial killers lurking in our kitchen...that's how strongly I feel about that.

8) If it's just you and I sharing, double-dipping is ok. If you and I are huddled up with a jar of hummus and you wanna double-dip, it's fine with me. Chances are, I know where your mouth's been. And if I didn't like you, I wouldn't bother sharing my food with you anyway. To paraphrase some meme my brother shared on Facebook a few weeks back, we live in a society where it's ok sexually to lick other people's buttholes, but we get all bent out of shape over double-dipping. Priorities, y'all.

9) If I invite you over, don't assume it's a party. If you wanna bring other people through with you, that's cool...just clear it with me first. That way, I don't let you in while just wearing my boxers with my half-eaten box of Triscuits and my newspaper sprawled all over the place while porn plays randomly in the background.

10) Use your phone in the other room. Or not at all, if you're comin' over to hang out with me. But that's kinda how I am with phones in general though...I always hated being on the phone with other people around. Not because I wanted to be sneaky, but because I get distracted easily when I'm trying to focus on one conversation, and I don't want to be rude to anyone else in the room who has to put up with my voice already, and it's not being directed toward them.

So, I guess that's it. See...I'm the perfect roommate/house guest/live-in romantic interest! I'm considerate and clean and shit! Let's party!