Soundtracked

Lists, Day 9: Songs I Can't Stand.

Ok, I know...I feel behind by over a week here in "Invalid Item" , and I really wish I hadn't done that because it's so easy to give up after missing a day, and I'm not a total giver-upper despite all the things/people I've given up on, and it's not like this is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish, so getting back that time lost should be faily easy. But...I need to get myself ahead this week as well, because I'm supposed to have Jury Duty the following week while I'm running the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 's off-month 5-Day Mini Challenge, and I don't know what kinda time I'm gonna have. So you might get multiple lists a day from me, from here on out, until I hit 30. With quality, of course, because I don't half-ass things and if I'm gonna half-ass something, I may as well drop out so as not to waster your time or mine.

Today's list is...the hump I couldn't get over. I've seen a couple "Songs I Don't Like" lists already and thought to myself "That should be easy!"...I've worked in malls and drug stores that pump in the saccharine pop drivel all day long. My problem here, however, is twofold: I must not have paid enough attention, and I don't spend much musical appreciation on songs I don't like. Like, I'm not gonna bother looking up names and matching lyrics and doing work when I could be doing none of that. And that's why, if you know me and/or my musical tastes, some of this list might come as a surprise to you.

Also, I'm not even gonna bother x-linking these songs. They don't merit my promotion any bit more than they're getting here .

1) "Blister In The Sun" by Violent Femmes -I. Can't. Take. This. It's so whiny and shittily produced...no matter what system you play it on, it sounds tinny and cheap. And I can deal with cheap, but not tinny. I also dated a girl in the mid-nineties who had this on a soundtrack cd that doesn't seem to come up on Wikipedia or anything, but she loved it, and people tend to get weird when songs they love come on. It's annoying as fuck. There, I said it. [EDIT: I will however dance my pasty ass off to it if I'm drunk. Very drunk.]

2) "Who Let The Dogs Out?" by Baha Men -Who authorized this shit? Who said it'd be ok to release this as a single? And has no one caught this person/persons who let the dogs out? Why is there no resolution to this conundrum? Also, "woof, woof" should not be an acceptable chorus or refrain.

3) "Moby Dick" by Led Zeppelin -I know I'm gonna get flamed for this, but listen...I love Zep. I celebrate their entire catalog. But I ripped my brother's copy of How The West Was Won   awhile back, and a 20 minute live version of "Moby Dick" came on randomly while I was playin' Candy Crush or some shit, and dude...I love drummers. If I wasn't gonna be the lead singer in some sorta alternate universe's greatest rock band, I was gonna drum. When I go to shows, I watch the drummers because they're more interesting to me than dudes strutting with guitars. But twenty fucking minutes of drum soloing? Yes, it's a great feat. But the Jimmy Page riffs are just so much better, and should've had their own song.

4) "Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj I will admit that I've never listened to this entire song...it pops up once in awhile when I'm playing Songpop2, a time-killing Facebook game where you have to pick songs faster than your opponent. So I've heard, like two seconds of this song. And if it can annoy me that quickly, then it belongs on this list. It has probably set the women's movement and hip hop in general back at least twenty years. I hate music that makes me think my laptop and/or tv have shit the bed.

5) Anything by Skrillex -So Sonny (that's his name) was in an emo/screamo band and he wasn't happy; they broke up, he did a lot of drugs, and now he's an EDM wunderkind. Good for him. But gottdamn it's unlistenable. Like, who goes to clubs to hear that? It's not danceable. It's not anything-able. There is so much terrible going on here. He is the Nicki Minaj of music, in that he has set it back at least forty years.

6) "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd -Nope...it's no longer cool to yell "Play 'Free Bird'" at any concert you go to, and if you do you're a douche. All you need to know about "Free Bird" is in Modest Mouse's Isaac Brock's takedown  ..."Life is too fucking short to play or hear 'Free Bird'."

7) "Proud To Be An American" by Lee Greenwood -No. Not by his standards. He doesn't speak for me. This goes beyond my hatred of country music, and the fact that I was treated to a "private show" of his as a Boy Scout during the '89 Jamboree (where only the best scouts from around the country get to go). Fuck him. I'm proud to be an American until someone gets on the mic and tells me I should be. I'm proud until America decides it wants to try anal on the rest of the world without her consent, like she won't notice.

8) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd -Again, nope. The south lost the Civil fucking War. Get over it. This would be an enjoyable song if I didn't have to associate it with Confederate flags and people who live as if "The South will rise again!"...which is a really sweet way of saying "We will bring back slavery, eventually, once we get our way". At least Florida and Georgia are kinda decent...if I ever have to go to Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana, that whole area, nope. Fuck it...I'm out. If I'm dying of a rare illness and only they have the cure, peace out fam. It's been good knowin' ya.

9) Anything by Elvis -No brainer. I didn't ask him to invent American rock 'n roll. He wasn't my preferred choice of influence over the multitude of society for decades before I was born. If I learned anything from Public Enemy, it's that Elvis was a hero to most but he never meant shit to me  , and most of my heroes don't appear on no stamp.

10) "Better Man" by Pearl Jam -Ok, look...I love Pearl Jam. But I know what this song means and represents, and I always skip over it. Corporate rock radio will have you believing it's the best song in their vast catalog. It's not. But when you're driving around after a breakup and it comes on and you realize maybe she was with you because she couldn't find a better man, and then she did, this song will eat you up from the inside even if you were never nearly as bad as this song's antagonist.

You have no idea how long it took me to build this list...I focus on the music I love, not what I hate. Feel free to pump any of these jams if you want me to leave your party without having to physically eject me. As a service to me and me only, I will leave you with a Pearl Jam Elvis Presley cover. Danced to it one night at a Sabres game with then-girlfriend, Cool Shit Nicole, on "Elvis Night" at the arena (before we almost died) and then realized I owned a copy of this.