Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about the WDC love, spring, and possibilities.

FORUM

I Heart WdC Contest  (13+) CLOSED until further notice. #2077827 by Gaby

Boo for not sharing images .

What's up y'all? Looks like my girl Gaby has found herself in a reflective mood lately, and she's infecting encouraging us to share our "I WDC" experiences in a little shindig she's appropriately titled "I Heart WdC Contest" . An excellent little exercise, I must say. I haven't read many of these testimonials yet- maybe a few- but I've been feeling sorta bloggish lately again so I figured I'd share mine now that I'm caught up on a few big things and some smaller things are in the works before I head home for the Easter holiday stuff and find myself around here a little less. Before I begin, here's some guidelines Gabbers set for us...I may not hit them all, but it's my journey , not yours or hers:

          Why did I join in the first place?
          Who were the people I've met in the beginning?
          Who are the people I'm closest to and why?
          What have I accomplished in the time I've been here?
          What do I hope to accomplish?
          How did Writing.com affect my life? In what ways?
          Who inspires you the most?
          Anything else you can think of, add to it.

Fair enough. I'm not going off a script or any notes or anything, so this might turn into one long ramble. But you cats are used to that from me I suppose (if you've been stopping by these points of internets unknown from time to time).

I joined Stories.com (yes, I'm that old here) in July of 2001. 2001! Some of y'all have kids the same age as my portfolio! There might even be some of you who are reading this that are younger than my account (in which case, you probably shouldn't be reading this at all, since it's rated GC, dammit! ). After foolin' around with some shady scam poetry contest thing I saw in the Sunday comics page of the Buffalo News and spending a ton of money just to get published in some ginormous anthology, all I wanted was a place to get my poetry on the internet in some way. And a quick Google search brought me here. It was super easy signing up, and I spent a few nights uploading a shit-ton of stuff (I swear this was before port limits for basic members). Someone latched on to me pretty quick too; a woman named Laura, who compared me to Bob Dylan of all people (??...and I wasn't really into him at all back then) who is no longer a member. With her help it didn't take me long at all to get a yellow case; maybe a few weeks? This was before Newbie groups and all that, if I'm not mistaken. It felt like a whirlwind; I was being put in newsletters, getting reviews, crazy. I had a good relationship with this person, but she left soon after she became a Mod. Trying to go it alone here wasn't always easy. I made a few friends here and there, and my creativity reached new heights, but with that always comes a period of stagnancy.

There was a time when I drifted in the wilderness for awhile; once I couldn't maintain an upgraded membership and had limited internet access and the whole sDC/WDC transition. There were ups and downs, both here and in life. Met a kickass girl who was super into my stuff, and we talked IRL for like, forever...until I went to NYC to hang out with her, and it went to shit pretty quick. Live, love, and learn (not necessarily in that order ). I'd already finished "Cabin Fever"  by this point, and was well into "Ribmeat Of The Family Tree"  (I'm still into the process of archiving that here, if I'm not mistaken). I'd joined a group and had a really bad experience with the leader (if you ever hear me refer to Sister Mary Molly Muggingsworth, she a member who I think is still around and to this day is one of only two people I think I've ever had to block and/or take some kind of action against here...in almost 15 years, that's a pretty nice record or getting along I guess). I was frustrated with my own experience and level of interest, along with my writing. Blogging was still a fairly new internet concept, so I figured I'd give it a shot and see if it'd spark some creativity.

"I'm Studying You"  started out as just a place to catch thoughts...it was nothing more than a scratch pad and a place to rant and hold my misguided musings on life. It turned into a detailed pursuit of a woman who would eventually become an ex-longtime serious girlfriend, and it gained a following that I never could have imagined. That's where I met people like Gaby and In Your Dirtiest Pants and Kåre เลียม Enga and Julie D - PUBLISHED! , along with a bunch of others who aren't around here anymore but I still see from time to time on Facebook...we had our own little blogging network before blogging groups were a thing. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was part of something. They wanted to read my posts, I wanted to read theirs, and we could interact daily...this was before the Newsfeed and "likes" and tagging and all that; the Wild West days of the old WDC . And I had this crazy cool pre-smartphone that could do internet stuff and I could write a blog entry from the comfort of my bed if I wanted to, very easily. Those were some fun times. I met some amazing people.

But the ebbs and flows of life happen, ya know. Once I got the girl, there was nothing to write about anymore. I didn't wanna be that guy who wrote about the banal life and times of being lovey-dovey. I had no more inspiration; I was at the top of my mountain. My Philly-via-NJ homegirl Julie D - PUBLISHED! suggested I enter the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" ; I was reading her entries and after some convincing decided to go for it. Eventually I won, and I was hooked. Addicted, actually...having a prompt was the best way to stir up internal inspiration. And each month, as it progressed, we all would become tighter...like a family. It's how I've met people like Prosperous Snow celebrating and Brother Nature and Wordsmitty ✍️ . It was my footing. I'd found my purpose. I wasn't just a poet guy anymore. I was a blogger. A guy who writes things.   Folks liked it. Some of 'em still do.

And that's where I'm at now. I've established that that's what I am. I've been nominated for "The Quills"  for Best Blog a couple times, and that's still my identity, to me. That's where I find a lot of my happiness here, when I'm up to it. I've been nominated for "Best Comedy" as well, but that's just subjective; blogging is the vehicle. I've made a lot of great friends and have gotten to know some really fantastic people through it- and it's a fact: you have to read to be read. Mutual respect doesn't just happen; it's earned.

In the last year though, things have begun to come full-circle for me. I still get the itch to write poetry; I've posted some on occasion. Deep down, that's why I joined WDC. That's who I've always been. Through blogging I've met some awesome people most of y'all already know, like Cinn and my li'l brother Charlie ~ ...two amazing writers, poets, and people in their own rights. I'm still tryna figure out a way to express my love for them. And in doubling down my efforts to become more involved in the entire WDC community, you can't help but get involved with some master planners, listers, and executors of plans like Elle - on hiatus and Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ . Just from their events and happenings, I've seen doors open up and met more and more of you...without them, we're all just me back in 2007, posting poems and hoping someone reads them. The enthusiasm, the encouragement, the love they spread...it's contagious. It's a whole new level of inspiration. Hell, I remember the night I finally broke and was convinced by Elle, Charlie, and especially Ky to participate in "Give It 100!" ...that was validation. That was me staying up 'til all hours of the night back in '01 and '02, uploading notebooks of poems, being told "We get why you're here, now show us more." And I don't know how to say how much I appreciate that, nor can I explain how that feels. The feedback I've gotten so far from "100"  from them has been incredible. Being nominated in this year's Quills for my poetry was mind-blowing...just to be in the same company as some of those names! My mind's done so many backflips that even the fails feel worthy. It's been refreshing, to say the least.

And I'm proud of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  for all that it is since I've taken it over...and I didn't even want to do that. I wasn't sure I could keep it going, and I didn't want to be the one to see it fail. But it's thriving! There is a strong cast of bloggers every month holding it down. We have our own Merit Badge now, some solid little events going on here and there, and the support...I couldn't have imagined it any better. I'm a lucky mawfugga with that . Wow.

But the best part of the last few years...maybe within the last half of my WDC journey? Helping people out along the way. Seeing people come up and win contests, or get promoted from black to yellow case or yellow to blue, people I've been friends with along the way. And knowing I've been there even just a little. That's the bestest part of being here...watching them succeed. Knowing the work they put in and all they do...incredible. Seeing Charlie ~ go yellow...that was a great day. I love that kid like you wouldn't believe and if anyone says otherwise, I got the Fred Sanford Five cross yo lip   for thinkin' you might know me better (seriously, talk to me before amazing false assumptions, aight?). My Gabba-labba-ding-ding-ding went from a Yellow Witch to a Blue Witch (and she done got married and broke my heart for good ). lizco252 started up my absolute favorite thing to do with "The Soundtrackers Group"  and I'm all 'bout it...she's gotten a well-deserved case for that and she's a baller human being. Even Cinn , the poetry expert in my group, has gone up a level since we've met...she's encouraged me in so many ways, with poetry and reviewing and helping out Newbies here and there (I've fallen off the path a little, but there is always time to jump back on it). I'm virtually surrounded by nothing but class and amazingness, and I can only hope to do that justice in my travels. But seeing the rise of Lyn's a Witchy Woman has been an absolute joy. From helping her get her posts right in blogging groups like "Blogging Circle of Friends "  and "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" , to seeing her move to yellow and then blue.... Lyn's one of my closest allies, and she's a gem and an asset in a world full of 'em. I can't say enough about what she's meant to me over the last couple years...from the 30DBC August Camping Trips (and the exclusive MB) to the 30DBC Fundraiser and her own groups (like "Love Shouldn't Hurt"  and taking leadership of the same groups I previously mentioned), has anyone deserved a promotion more? All it takes is a simple act of kindness, presented in the right way. I had to shed a lot of skin to get to that point, and now it seems so normal and obvious. I like to help. I care. I'm here, 'cuz you're here.  . That's how I feel about you all. I've seen a lot of changes...people have come and gone and come back or not come back and have stayed and made their place. For all that it is, this place is my life now. It's always open on my laptop. When I travel it comes with me. It's in my routine and it'll be impossible to shake whenever I fall into a new one. I'm 40 years old. I've been a member for almost 15 years. Even when I tried to let go consciously, I couldn't (see "Re: Re: Re: Truth or Dare, Norb!"  ). In all of the ups and downs that life presents us, WDC has been the one constant throughout my adult formative years. I guess I came across at the right time...it's growing older along with me .

And I know I'll have unintentionally left out a few people...I can't tag you all in the moment. Some of you, like Mrs. Nixie Clause and Choconuts Roasting and Kitti the Red-Nosed Feline I've met recently through Soundtrackers. Old friends like pinkbarbie, Dragon is hiding , Shaye , and ~Minja~ are wonderful ladies who contribute so much to the fabric of the WDC community and do so much for others. At this point, it's closing time and if I've forgotten to list you I'm so very sorry...I can't thank you all but damn, it's been quite a ride these past almost-15 years. I don't even wanna know where or what I'd be without it.

"What is the best thing about spring?"

Ohhhh...spring. What used to get me excited was warmer temperatures and the whole "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" quote from Tennyson (a guy I've never read and now I'm thankful for it, because fuck that so fuck him). I think Led Zeppelin had a song about spring too, which might've incited a furious impulse toward romance, but if I can't remember it right now it must no longer be of importance. Much like the shirts still stuffed in a bin that I haven't seen in years and probably still no longer fit. Out with the old, in with the new. Unless there's no new to take the place of the old. Then it's ehhh...whatever man.

Now, I'm more about it just being nicer outside. We had a pretty decent winter, even though it's snowing today. No major "shut down everything except Bingo!" storms. No catastrophic roof collapses. Nothing impeding my day-to-days other than the occasional "it's too uncomfortable to be out here in public" stuff (which of course only seemed to happen when I really needed to go anywhere). It's all sunshine   from here on out.

I get to feel like exploring a little more. I don't mind that extra walk when I can handle it in my bones. That busride back to Buffalo for some family and friends that the summertime exacerbates. A feeling like I belong somewhere. I'm not so shut-in. I'll take a book to the park and a pillow in my backpack so I can chill on the bench leisurely with whatever soothes my pace. Shakin' out the dead leaves. Bustin' out the sandals and the Chucks and the rest of the summer shoes; puttin' the Docs away from a winter I didn't really need 'em when the decades-old Tims held the footing underneath me down. Breathin' the air without takin' in the chill. No fleece, just peace. That's my spring springin'. My New Year. The opening band for my favorite seasonal summer soundtrack. I'm more optimistic now in general than any new year's festivities could promise. That's just how I work.

"Imagine yourself loving one person very much, any person, like a parent, a sibling, a child, a mentor, a lover, or a friend. Think of that love as a feeling. Can you apply that same feeling to your community, to everyone you know, to your nation, to the billions of people of the world, no matter what? Can this be possible, ever?"

No. No way. Stop. Forget it.

If I've learned anything about love, and I'm no expert but I've experienced my share of it, it has limits. Let's bullet it out like I did in the first part of this entry:

         a parent, sibling, child
         a mentor
         a lover or a friend
         your community
         to everyone you know
         your nation
         the billions of people of the world

No. Let's forget that this can ever happen. Some people really just want to watch the world burn. You can't help them. Your love can't save them. Your deity will not intervene on your behalf "just because you wanna make the world a better place". Let's stop futzin' around with that. "Hopes and prayers" don't cure or cancel out cancer or any other shit. It just makes you sound like a better person for trying without really trying. You mean well, and I know you mean well and we all know it too now. Good. Great. Swell. But unfortunately, untimely things happen to the goodest of people. Much like shitty great things happen to super-shitty people. Your love and hopes and well-wishes and sloganeering won't stop a sect of closeted racists from loving (and hating) what they love (and hate). It's just that simple.

Before I get too carried away, look: I'm a loving person. I care, almost to a fault. I will love and love and love, with reasons only I can know and/or explain. I have intentions and expectations. And I'm not so naive to know that everyone doesn't or can't fall in line with them. It's human nature. I can't make you love me. You can't force me to love something I don't feel like I agree with. There are a gaggle of societal issues we can absolutely disagree with...but you can love me as a person and vice/versa, and it can stop at that.

Some emotional concepts I wear on my sleeve; others stay close to my vest. If you hate other people for simple bullshit, I probably won't like you. If you're emotionally needy and flip-flop on what you stand for, I will make less time for you. If you're downright rude, openly narcissistic and can't be talked down from your self-built ledge, I will not hesitate to watch you attempt to navigate your journey from a distance, if at all. I cannot love everyone, because some make it impossible through their words and actions. And I'll be the first to admit I'm one of 'em. I don't ask to be loved; I don't know if I'm able to reciprocate until I feel it. And when I do, it takes a lot to turn it off. But when it's off, it's off. Life's too short for games. Get down with the get down, or get out. I've got all the time in the world right now, but I don't have time for people who can't be respectful of me, of others, of people who don't share their same opinions. You wanna hate? Do it on your own time. I...can't be bothered. I've got my own shit to deal with in my here and now, and if you're not with me then you're against me. Simply put.

And yo, I love everyone from the start. That's my default mode. It takes a lot to get on my bad side. But once you're there, good luck gettin' off it. I can't love everyone and everything. The whole good/bad scenario. We'd all be Grammy winners if everyone loved how we sang in the shower. We'd all be presidents. Hate makes the world go 'round, unfortunately. I just try to love as much as I can, even though I'm as guilty as anyone else for being fed up and frustrated and whatnot. I'm human. I can only take so much. The best thing I can do is spread out the good and hope that it cancels out some of the bad. It's an uphill battle.

No, not everyone or thing can be loved. It is not possible, and I stopped trying a long time ago. Do what makes you happy, and don't be a dick. That's as close as you'll get. I almost feel like I shouldn't have to keep saying this. But the world happens, and here I am. Fuck.

Good lawd...I thought I'd retired this song from my musical interludes, but since Gaby wants to look back, then I can resmother you all with this gem from my early blogging days. And now it has an even more anti-sentimental bent to it; thank you: old age, maturity, and curmudgeonism

"Why don't you tell it how it really is, before you go on home?"
Lyrics.  

I ain't sayin' much; just sayin' somethin'. Remember who you're talkin' about when you talk about someone. And keep my name outchya mouth if you can't be an adult. Got problems? Yo, I'll solve them.   Or she will; one of the two. Stop playing God and say what you mean, instead of making drama.

What would this entry be if I didn't smash a few links in it to make you have some different level of enjoys-ment? Apparently puns are now a new form of mental ilness  . Someone wake up Mitchopolis and let him know that punnery will always be tolerated and appreciated. Perhaps, even, reciprocated. This is a lost art that needs to be resuscitated. I need pun wars!

Some of y'all are locked into the throes of March Madness, and that's ok, 'cuz I used to be like you too. Some of y'all might know a guy named Dave too, and the best dude of all the best dudes I know is my brotha DMFM (it's also his birthday in two days). Take a no-risk gamble on the Dave bracket  , and win yourself some Cool Points somewhere in your own little universe. For what it's worth (and for however it's scored...I don't understand it at all), I got 135/192. But I nailed the Final Four, and that's gotta count for somethin'. Bust your bracket on that!

Ok...ummm, I think I said enough. It's dinnertime, and I've gotta start gettin' ready for things I'm not yet ready for physically or mentally. There are better places to be, but thanks for bein' here with me for awhile. Peace, then you go home, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!