Everyday Canvas

Unhealthy Blaming

Prompt: Blaming -- When things go wrong, do you find that you blame yourself or someone else or do you leave the blame aside and take care of the problem at hand? What is the best way to stop the blame game?

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All people, at one time or another, end up blaming someone or something or themselves. If we didn’t blame, we wouldn’t feel the hurt or the joy in our lives (yes, we can sometimes blame others for our joy, too). In itself, blaming is not dysfunctional. It can protect and empower a person. Yet, there is that unhealthy kind of habitual blaming as a customary reaction to events and other people. This kind of blaming damages relationships, makes the blamer’s life a living hell, and hinders personal growth.

Blaming, the bad kind, is a habit that needs to be taken care of so a person can grow. It could be that the blaming started as a defense mechanism even when the person was a child and it stuck. Blaming the wrong person, wrong event, or even oneself is to avoid the truth and deny the true feelings one is feeling in a situation because the blamer replaces his/her feelings about the experience with the feelings of who caused it.

I once knew a woman who I found to be one of the most miserable people I had met whose marriage was in shambles. For her every problem, she blamed her mother-in-law totally, even though the mother-in-law lived separately and in a different city. Her blame game pulled the wool over her eyes and didn’t let her focus on the real problem, which was the relationship between her and her husband.

If one is always blaming others or himself/herself in an unhealthy way, I believe the way to fix this behavior should be:

• If people need to get rid of their blaming habits, they should first identify their reactions with the thought I am blaming again!-

• The next step could be asking themselves these questions:
If there wasn’t any blaming or any one to blame in this situation, what would I feel?
Is this a feeling that is hard for me to face?

The cure to repetitive and unhealthy blaming habit may lie in the honest answers to these questions.