Personal Journal

Watching the Deer Hunter

Journal Entry 8 November 2015
I still have fears about writing here. Primarily because I had two stalkers who followed me here, both of whom reached into my real life and caused me real hardship. I have no way of knowing if they are still checking out my old journal, even though it has been 10 years…

Stalkers suck, and I’m male.

I would prefer, if you read my journal’s public entries, that you comment. At least then I have an idea of the eyes on my entries.

I came here because I am watching my recoding of the Deer Hunter, and that has me thinking deep thoughts. I haven’t watched it since it was released in 1978. And I wonder what draws me to this.

I am lost, and I am without much of what most of you would describe as key parts of your identity. To catch up the unfamiliar, I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home. I have PTSD; I have been unemployed for 5 years. I have an BA in journalism and an MBA. I am a veteran of the 91 Iraq War in which I was involved in a friendly fire incident.

My birthday next week coincides with the 5th anniversary of my unemployment, and t
hat makes me deep in thought.
I am struggling with my personal addiction, with getting any direction.
So I fall back on the Deer Hunter for some reason. Because my family influences were negative, and my experiences traumatic, around 1978, when I turned 10, certain films started to resonate in me. Perhaps Deer Hunter did, perhaps it did not. I don’t know, and I suppose I’ll find out tonight as I watch.

Films that truly moved me in this period include Ordinary People (Mary Tyler Moore played my mother, it turns out). A Bridge Too Far (love of tanks, nobility of the soldier), Apocalypse Now (especially that one, which is a subject for another story).
I’m gonna keep this one short. Might be able to come back tomorrow for more if I keep my energy up. My therapist points out that, whether I’m a writer or not, it’s not always a good idea to write from a place of sorrow, being who I am and having my brain chemistry.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn