Shouts From Down Under

The Complete Writing Kit. Bonus blister pack of Imagination.

When you aren't writing, or any other priority, what do you do in your spare thinking time?

I like to invent things. And an obvious piece of equipment that should be invented wrote its own patent in my head.

The Writing Kit.

Every writer should have this. At home. Abroad. For when you're bored. For the company Board. Fighting off the gloom. And for later, after the apocalypse. After the crack of doom.

I'm sure someone will run with this. And that's ok. I can't be selfish and keep this innovation to myself. So, what does the kit contain? Some items are not so obvious.
And no kit is perfect. I'm sure you'll come up with features that should be included. Feel free to add them.



Hat pins. Use these to pin down that plot twist, right from the start. These are nice and long, sharp and...handy.



Snack Vending cabinet. For the survival conscious author. (Menacing suspicious character silhouette included free)



Coffee shop / cafe / bakery. While being a bit large to fit into a compact model, the cafe is essential. Good for packing the rest of the kit into, and doubles as a second home.



Storyteller scanner. Not many people know about this relatively new product. This hardly requires explanation but then, who would have thought..? Hand under the electromomentum pulse raiser, and the most unimaginative, conflict challenged individual receives a sustained jolt of creativity and a heart-stopping plot feed. Early days, but soon there should be an editing boost function as well.



Muse van. This easily overlooked writer's toolbox contains all you need to keep that Muse happy. Yes, it has a stationary drawer, a row of USB ports and a wand holder that doubles for coffee mugs. Wands did you say? Yes, the magic variety. They came out in the Mk1 kit. Didn't you get a set? It was a one off. The designer, poor chap, lost his mind and was sent to a place called Shutter Island where they already knew he'd claim to be a famous inventor (and writer would you believe?), and were prepared for all his tall stories. Last I heard his narration had been erased. It must be purple. The van.



Food Order coupons. Not all famous writers are good cooks. Not all. And where do you think Silence of the Lambs(burger) was thought up?



Two Minute Noodles- GIANT. These are exclusively manufactured for this kit. For the quick and ugly chapters, when concentration counts as much as the MSG content.



Eraser. Delete entire pages at one time, saving so much time that can be spent sipping coffee. Some people like the retro feel of rubbing out pencil drafts 10 paragraphs at a time.



Dark & Stormy nights. Any decent kit must have a selection of these of various grades. The light shower that causes a slight change of plans. The miserable drizzle to keep your characters indoors for that much needed shouting match. The Heavy Brooding storm for tension development. And harder to find in most kits is the finishing, climactic downpour. These really are worth finding and keeping to hand for that lightning bolt bright idea moment. Professionals usually have some charged up ready.



Reflections. An annually updated supplement, most often used after receiving a rejection slip or an editors red pen fix-up list. Window views, or expanses of clear still water should be part every kit, but even a cosmetics mirror from home can sometimes be substituted if you can only afford the economy release pack.



Story Garnish. This is a most magical element, and comes complete with cutting implements, freshly grown and ready to use. You'll never run out of that finishing touch to your novels now!

There you have it. The tool kit you've all been searching for. Don't bother Google-ing for this because those are all cheap copies. No, you can only purchase these via an email address in Nigeria. Be ready on the zero button of your keyboard. Don't be alarmed however. The zero's aren't the price. They are the value of what you'll get out of this do-all know-all kit.

Sparky