Memories of Snow

A Long Day Writing Into Night

A Long Day Writing Into Night

I am sitting at my computer. The door to the outside is open, but both the security screen is locked. I can see from the way the sunlight is angle that it is nearing sunset. The neighbors are playing some sort of game with a ball because I can hear it bouncing. A blue truck just drove east on Sunrise Avenue. Across the street the neighbors cars are parked at an angle (I spelled angle right this time). I glance across the street and see two young black guys walking west on Sunrise Avenue.

I am tired, but not as tired as I was earlier this afternoon. I took a bag of trash to the dumpster in the alley. It always wears me out to carry out the trash. I think one of the problems is an allergy or some kind of sinus problem. I will have to discuss this with my doctor the next time I see her. I am lonely. I wish I was not alone. I feel so alone especially in the evening. I miss Mama. I miss Grandma and Grandpa. I am afraid I will die alone. I am afraid I will need someone to take care of me and I will have no one. Being old and alone is frightening.

I started this book because I wanted to attempt to write articles or essays. I seem to be doing the essays, but not the articles. Sometimes I think i am afraid to write my thoughts. I can write poetry or short stories, but when it comes to writing my thought I seem to get writer's block or my muse gets tongue tied. I am attempting to catch up on the Camp NaNoWriMo word count and write something coherent. I suspect that my grammar is not up to par. Sometimes I have problems with grammar which causes me to be a bit cautious. I have some stories I have to rewrite because I know there are grammar issues.

I know that editing will take care of the grammar problems. I have to get someone to help with that; perhaps put (I know that is the wrong word, but I am writing and sometimes in the heat of writing I use the wrong word) the story on one of the review boards. I am tired of procrastinating because I am afraid. I tell myself that I cannot think of anything to writ, but the truth is I put off writing out of fear. I am going to continue this entry until after sunset, which is why I gave it the title.

Maybe I am too self conscious when it comes to writing. I think I should just sit down and start writing. When I begin a story by starting writing and not think about what I am writing until I get read to read it over then I am fine. I am not sure that just made sense. I know it must be a run on sentence. This is part of my problem, I know I have issues and I am afraid to write because of those issues. Those grammar issues.

I hope and I pray that by April 30 I will have several entries I can use for something. Maybe rewrite them as essays, articles, short stories or poem. I wonder if I could use them in a journal type story with a protagonist that is a writer worrying about her or maybe his grammar issues. I would rather write about women then men because I am a woman. It makes me uncomfortable writing about men. I would much better write from a woman's perspective.

I know that I will have to reread what I am writing. I am not sure that I really want to reread or edit. I have issues with editing. I am afraid to edit my own writing. Why am I so afraid? I have noticed for the past few months that I am afraid. I should not be afraid, but I am. Am I afraid because I have physical issues? Have I always had this fear in me? I know that I should trust in God and put the fear behind me. I need to place everything in God's hands and not worry about it. Place the situation in God's hand and get on with my writing. Place everything in God's hands and get on with my life.

A bird is singing
Cheeping in the pine tree
Evening gratitude

I would rather write poem then short stories. I would rather write science fiction or fantasy the romance stories. I am attempting to do something different this year so I am writing romance stories. I do not know how to write that type of story because they do not interest me. However, I committed to do something different and so I will write a romance story next week. I put off the story too long this week because I was afraid. Missing one week is all right, but I cannot miss more then one week.

A black and white cat
Walked past my front door looked in
Then continued east.

I think I am just rambling. I think I am ranting. I am happy I am writing. I would rather write then do anything else. However, I have to exercise. I have to get to walking again. I used to be able to walk two or three miles without getting tired. I do not know what is wrong with me. Getting old is no fun especially when you are alone and need help doing the housework. Maybe that is why I do not like to do housework because it is difficult for me to do it. Sometimes just standing up wears me out. Every morning I walk for five minutes through the house. I would like to walk outside, but I do not have enough money to purchase Depends so that I have something on in case I have an accident. An accident of age is what it is my body is breaking down and I do not know if I can do anything about it.

I can joke about getting old not being for wimps and it is not. Getting old is frighting especially when you are alone. Sometimes I feel that no one cares about me, but I know that is not true. I need money to pay the power bill. I need money to pay the internet bill. I need money to pay my debts. I am afraid I am going to die in debt. At least I have my burial plot purchased. I know it will cost more to bury me then what I have, but at least the casket and the plot are paid for.

Speaking of burial plots I need to go to the cemetery to visit Mama's grave. I have not visited Mama's grave in a long time. I know that only her body is laying in that casket and not her soul. Mama's soul is in the Abha Kingdom. I miss Mom so much. I have not dreamed about her in a long time and sometimes I wonder if it means she is not speaking to me.

The sun is setting. The sky is growing darker. I am out of breath. Maybe I am in worse condition then I thought. I worry too much. I know that, but sometimes I just cannot help it. Sometimes I over-think a situation and then worry. I think it would help if I say The Long Healing prayer before I put the eye drops in my eyes and went to bed. It would also help if I did not overeat. I know I over ate today and that is why I feel the way I do. I am going to close this now because it is getting dark and I decided I would write until it got dark.