Internal musings and thoughts

Can't Cry

         Why can't I cry?  I have not seen my kids since Thanksgiving 2014 due to a separation between my wife and I.  Thinking of my kids all the time puts a lump in my throat, yet I can't seem to cry.  I don't know if it is because I'm a man and can't show emotions.  My heart is very heavy, but I can't come to the point of breaking down.
         I have come close many times, but something blocks it.  There are moments when I would love to have a deep, crying time.  I guess I don't want people to see that side.  I'm a very affectionate, compassionate, and loving person, yet I hide my emotions.  I see families everywhere having a good time and that brings a well of emotions. 
         I'm not a cold person so it should be easy for me to cry.  I wonder if the separation has hardened me.  Sixteen years of marriage never should have been thrown out like this.  I never thought I would be one of the statistics.  I would love to see my kids. 
         The unfortunate situation has left me with limited, financial resources.  I have no way of retaining legal counsel in order to see my kids.  Communication between my wife and I is zero.  She won't answer any phone calls or texts from me.  They recently moved out of the apartment where we were living so I have no idea where she has gone. 
         I'm at a loss as to what to do.  She stated to me in a letter she wanted $500 dollars for the children, but my finances are limited.  I was told she would have to go through legal parameters in order to receive any kind of monetary assistance from me.  I don't know if I have any kind of parental rights when I have not been able to oblige her request.  I want to see my kids and also want to give her monetary assistance. 
         I'm so lost in this situation.  I miss my kids very much.  There seems to be no end in sight or any rectification.  I wish my wife would contact me in any shape or form.  I never thought my wife would ever take the position she has. 
         This separation hasn't been easy.  I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. It is an unfortunate situation I hear about all the time.  There has got to be a solution, but my wife doesn't want to come to a solution.  I want a solution now.
         I want to see my kids.  They need me in their lives.  I'm missing precious time with them.  I don't want to miss those times of seeing them growing up.  Each day that passes is one less day I miss those precious times. 
         I am tired of this situation.  I need a time to cry, but it doesn't happen. Why?  My kids are my life.  I just want to cry.