Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about a new product and not remembering stuff.

What's up you guys? Before I get started, I gotta say thanks to everyone for the love yesterday (my 14th WDC anniversary)...it was so cool getting the messages and emails and MB's and all that. Everybody should have an anniversary! Oh wait.... But yeah, it was pretty great, so thanks again!

Now...what kind of mayhem will today bring us?

Isn't this wild? It's a pitcher...that pours itself! I just said that last sentence to myself in Homer Simpson's voice, just for the sake of hilarity, and it works surprisingly well. But sadly, as a functional means of serving beverages, this item does not. Follow me for a few minutes...

See, I don't doubt that eventually a self-pouring pitcher will be in our future. What'll probably end up happening though is some lazy jackass business executive type will green-light this after seeing a prototype, and before we've even figured out that something like this is basically a plastic piece of crap it'll wind up in the As-Seen-On-TV section in millions of stores for the low, low price of $19.99, not to mention the plethora of infomercials plugging this at 3am (right around the time you've snapped to and realized you fell asleep five minutes into that umpteenth Frasier rerun). But wait, there's more!

See, as humans we envision things and we want them now, first, and quality often comes second. And that equals cheap. And then what sounds like a really fantastic idea just becomes more trouble than it's worth, collecting dust in your cupboards after little Billy tries to make it pour him some fruit punch and winds up ruining your fancy tablecloth because the batteries ran low or the stupid thing just decided to go kitchen-haywire. And since parents are often too preoccupied with the technology in their pockets to consider how batshit crazy a self-pouring pitcher could go wrong is, little Billy gets the belt for being clumsy. That's us, society...always deflecting the blame for our own shortcomings and laziness.

What we're really afraid to admit though is that the robots are taking over, and they're so advanced we don't even know it. What if that's not a pitcher pouring itself, but the hand of an invisible robot working its voodoo magic? I mean, you can't see it, so it's gotta be something mysterious, right? And you know the first people to invest in such wonders of mechanical science will be the same a-holes who never learned how to get their VCR's to stop flashing 12:00.

This is another reason why the aliens keep bypassing the planet Earth. We have no clue how anything works or what its purpose is, so long as it's cheap and we think we need it. We're so dumb.

"What are the most memorable things you have ever got in the mail?"

This is actually really hard, because I don't know if I've gotten anything colossally memorable throughout the course of my life in the mail...something I'll look back fondly on and say "Awww, I remember plucking that out of my mailbox!" And I consider myself to be a sentimental guy, but maybe I'm just not that sentimental. Or I really am a heartless person who doesn't care about anything at all. Quite an interesting paradox, I guess I can be.

I don't really get a lot of mail anymore, to be honest. I get excited when I receive Save $2.50 off one pack! coupons from Newport, but that's about it besides random letters from Social Services and my monthly bank statement reminding me how broke I am...that's about it. I joined Elle - on hiatus 's "The Snail Mail Forum" , and I get some mail from kind people through that once in awhile, but I'm really bad about responding so maybe I shouldn't be complaining (which I'm not...am I? Hope not...).

Like seriously...the best mail I've received in the last month or two has been about applying for SSI at the end of the month. And my last copy of Wired magazine, that I subscribed to because my best friend from high school's wife's kid (guess that makes the kid his too, duh ) was selling subscriptions for Girl Scouts. I have a small stack of this particular magazine that I haven't even torn the plastic off of, because I never think to read them. But that's ok, because I'll always love Randy, Carol, and their family.

I should be lucky I suppose, because I don't get bills or a shit-ton of junk mail, nor do I have very many enemies that care hate me enough to send me glitter bombs or horse manure cupcakes  . The hate business is really boomin' these days. It must suck to be a mailman.

"How well can you memorize things? Do you have any helpful hints for memorizing information?"

I have a terrible memory. It's not a bad memory, because I can remember things from thirty years ago, but I can't remember the last time I ate. And as cool as it would be to be an actor, and I think I'd be pretty decent at it, I could never memorize my lines. I tried, in 7th grade, for the school play. I was an understudy for some role in Cinderella. It was mostly a lot of dancing, ballroom-like. I was terrible, and I quit. I'm not a great dancer either, unless we're doing The Running Man. I'm a mean-ass Running Man-er. Or was, considering I can barely walk now as it is.

So no, I don't have any really good memorization tips, unfortunately. Association seems to help me, like if I can associate words or sentences to objects or life events, but that doesn't always work on tests. I can tell you what has sucked for me...and that's being able to somehow pick things up quickly and manage to retain certain bits of info. Why does that suck? In high school I never had to study...I just paid attention in class, took notes and did homework occasionally, and did well come test time. Well enough to pass, I guess. Now? Fuck man, I studied my balls off both times I tried going to college, and outside of a writing-intense English course I did...not do so well. Being smart doesn't help, and neither does being interested and motivated. I'm convinced there's a whole lotta luck involved...there has to be. Any idiot can memorize anything through repetition; that's why so many kids pass kindergarten. We know our ABC's, but how many people do you know that can't write a text message or a simple Facebook status without subbing "u" for "you" and don't know the difference between to, too, and two? I can't be the only one who gets infuriated by the lack of fundamental spelling and grammar on display sometimes.

But that's not the point. You want my advice on memorizing? Buy a pair of Chuck Taylors, and get all punk rock on 'em. Draw anarchy symbols on them, doodle some shit, and cheat. Write all the pertinent info on the white part of the sole. Take it from me, the guy who can recite all of "Straight Outta Compton"  , but can't recall what happened to all of his beef jerky stash.

I'm not crazy about this term in reference to myself, as I prefer to think I'm on top of things all the time...but the older I get (and prepare yourself to hear me start referencing age a lot in the coming weeks) the more I see things slipping away from me mentally. Not much stings more than realizing you forgot something- anything- when you've always kept things in order...especially when you set things up routinely for the expressed purpose of not forgetting particular things. When you're like "Why the fuck did I do that??" and you know there's a specific reason why, and alcohol, bad decisions, or rushed timing isn't involved, then you know you've got problems.

"Yesterday’s people end up scatterbrain.
Then any fool can easily pick a hole (I only wish I could fall in)."
Lyrics.  

I already know I spend way too much time on the internet, which is half the reason why I dump out so many links, but it's also how I generally wind up staying abreast of what happens in the world. So yeah, obvs I paid attention to the whole SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage (or as we should've been calling it, as it's been pointed out so many times now, marriage)...and many brands we're all familiar with showed support by rainbowing their logos  . What a great thing, my first thought was. But quickly after that I wondered about the companies that didn't show up on that list. Not Pepsi, not Coke, not Frito-Lay...and for all the time I waste online, yeah, I still couldn't possibly know everything and who supports what nowadays, but it's still troubling a bit when corporations are afraid to take a stance in fear of isolating consumers and/or losing profits. It makes me question why we're all so worried about loss more than what could potentially be gained by acting in what interests us most besides money or politics. Everything is a facade, it seems, more and more. I hate it. Big money can eat shit, as far as I'm concerned...it sucks that society panders too often to the corporations that control almost everything we consume  , from news to snacks to our lives. And there isn't much we can do about it. If we voted with our wallets and our time instead of how our hearts are played with by these organizations and political criminals, maybe a real change would come.

I'm a single, adult male. I've taken a lot of precautions (or whatever you choose to call it) to remain so for the long haul that maybe I'll be able to see through to the rest of my life. I've learned that I don't function well in relationships, partly because I can be an opinionated, outspoken asshole, and partly because I do the things that said opinionated, outspoken assholes do. Trust me...I'm very ok with this decision and all that it does or does not entail. It will take a combination of metric shit-tons of awesomeness and hotness to get me to change my mind (and that's on my terms, not yours or anyone else's), as I'm still of the age of desirability and capable thinking. That said, I'm glad to have found a resource that makes it ok to be single  , and I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in wanting to be alone.

And finally...well, I have no other fun way of saying this, but I never once in my life imagined my rear end was something that could inspire anyone to write a poem. Yet, as things happen always surprisingly, Cinn managed to do such a thing based on the back-and-forth last night from my entry yesterday. Please back your asses up, cop a squat, and enjoy the only known tribute to the right side of my buttocks, "Ass Mosaic" . Your life will be richer for the experience.

And with that I have no choice but to put an end to this entry. I'd like to thank my guests, my inspirations, the powers that be, and you (provided you made it this far). Tip your bartenders, check out "The Blog Board" , and always keep in mind that you get what you pay for. Peace, somewhere I'm not, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!