Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about influence, the impossible, and repression.

"Does music influence your writing at all? Can a particular artist, band, or genre shift the direction your blog entry is going in?"

What's up you guys? Might as well start this now and get this out of the way, because history has proven that if I don't by a convenient hour I'll get lazy and lose the will to actually write a halfway decent blog entry. So here we are...welcome to the final week of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 's 5-day mini-challenges! This week's roundtable discussion topic is Music, and I'm the host, which means if I wish to participate then I'll have to write for my own prompts (which you know is among some of my least-favorite things to do, but I suppose I'll get over that). And that's cool, because I like music (and not just on a first grade level, which is what this sentence kinda sounds like). Let's count it off and see what happens...1, 2, 3, 4...

He knows all of your first grade sentences,
and some of your second grade ones too.

Does music influence or affect my blogging? Yes and no. I'll start with the "no" part because that's the easy one to explain.

When it comes time to actually sit down and begin typing, I prefer nae, need silence. The thoughts and noises in my head can't compete with people talking or a tv blaring or a device pumpin' beats, because I'm not very organized and they interrupt my stream of consciousness. And then what I write sounds even choppier and more all-over-the-place than usual. I don't even like switching tabs in my browser, because that's interrupting...and it's possible that right now I've probably got fifty tabs open, with maybe ten pertaining to this entry alone. Sure, I could use a little bit of order, but that's disruptive to me if it distracts from my train of thought. I think.

But about the "yes"...see, here's part of my writing process. While I'm laying in bed at night before I go to sleep, I usually catch the next day's prompts. I arrange tabs in the order I want to use them, including any pertinent links I might want to make part of my entry. I try to find an appropriate song, the lyrics, and cue that up...that way I'm ready for whenever I want to start this whole thing. The trouble is, I've forgotten most of this by the following afternoon and need to reread everything I've situated the night before. I'm the hot mess of writing processes.

On top of that, if there's a day like today where I've had to go anywhere that has necessitated me breaking out the iPod, there's a chance that I'll hear a song that better suits a prompt or my mood...which leads me scrambling to reorganize from the previous skeletal sketch I laid out, or basically starting over from scratch. But who cares...I generally need something to do between the time I take my sleeping pills and when I actually fall asleep, so this chaos sorta works for me.

And some days, the head start I give myself is perfect. My thoughts align, my mood fits the prompts, and everything's great. But the last few times I thought I might crank out an entry, I've really wound up completely unmotivated. I've had a lot on my mind, I had the slight touch of a stomach bug (which could be related to weaning myself off of medication, or my body rejecting vegetables in an attempt to eat better), and my state of mind has been generally a shit mix of anger, frustration, and...I don't even know what else. So naturally, when I've played music, it's been in that vein. And now that I've actually gotten up the wherewithal to write, because of where my head's at, this entry will take on some of those characteristics. Moody, depressive, etc. Conversely, if I were in some mythical happy place, I'd probably be more interested in the peppy, poppy music in my collection, and that would radiate here as a byproduct of whatever that feels like.

And I think I just took a very long, convoluted way around of saying "Yes, music does in fact influence my blog entries, even though you may not see it...it's there, and I know it, so bugger off and leave me the frig alone."

"'Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.' -Francis of Assisi. What do you think? Is this statement true?"

I'll tell you what...if you believe this and you live by it and it works for you, I won't argue with you about it. The concept sounds legit; newspapers, magazines, and the internet are routinely filled weekly with human-interest stories of people who overcome seemingly insurmountable things, and most of them are believable I guess. Meanwhile, on a more personal level, I have problems of a different magnitude. Lateral issues? Maybe, or maybe it's not for me to decide...but if I don't start figuring some shit out soon, I might never achieve the seemingly impossible things in life.

The gravity of the situations we're faced with that we categorize as "possible" or "impossible" may vary, but the pain behind the thought process is similar. We have to decide, and then act on that decision, and adjust so we can live with the results. Oh, and a lot of us can do that in a fairly reasonable period of time. I wouldn't dare say this is a strength of mine; far from it actually but sure, some have it worse. The real truth is that everything's quantifiable in some way, and everyones' systems of measurement are vastly different. There isn't a way to accurately calibrate them, or drain them down into common denominators...we're just too unalike for simplicity. And maybe that's a complicated way of saying we're complicated creatures with complicated habits and methods, but (and I'll use this line any chance I get and I love it) one man's ceiling is another man's floor...what's possible to many is fallacy to some, and your weaknesses could be my strengths and vice/versa. Maybe that's why the majority of the population can fit together so well...the ability to rely on others to fill in our cracks.

"Do you think dreams sometimes can tell people what they have repressed? Did you ever have such a dream that made you go, 'Aha!'?"

Well, we (my therapist, doctor and I) established that I'm a represser, an avoider, and a conflict runner-away-frommer (I'm pretty sure those are all highly scientific terms, but I haven't cross-referenced them in the DSM-5   yet). And on top of that, I've only begun recollecting my dreams recently, like in the last five years or so...or at least more than usual. And that bothers the ever-lovin' outta me.

I guess I dream deeply, or somethin'. And mostly what I dream involves heavily the elements of my past, combining different eras of my life in one giant awkward nocturnal motion picture of sadness, bad decisions, and regret...all of which is not a fun way to start off the day, especially when you can't seem to shake the feelings or images for awhile.

I could go into detail, but I can already tell this entry's gonna run a lot longer than I intended for it to in the first place (they always do, try as hard as I want to that they don't), and in order for them to sorta make sense they'd require more room and detail than I'd want to give them here. I know, that's no fun for all you armchair psychiatrists out there...but my insurance doesn't cover y'all'es co-pays.

But yeah, my dreams pretty much tell me what I already know...that there have been a lot of times that I've been a complete shithead to certain people. It's almost not fair; my dreams never seem to remind me of the good things I've done for people, or take in to account that I mean well or have been at least likeable enough at times to lead to the bad decisions of others that I've had a hand in. I'm not asking for much; I just wanna wake up some mornings with more smiles than regrets. Is that so hard, oh great and powerful sleep thing that I can only control pharmaceutically?

So I'm laying in bad last night, already medicated and breaking my personal rule of not having conversations with anyone while in that crossing-over state by having conversations with multiple people (see what I said in the first part of this entry about distractions), and at the same time I'm jammin' to "Impossible" by the Wu-Tang Clan   because I think that might go with one of the prompts for today (but then I decided against it this morning, even though Ghostface Killah's verse at the end is so so great from the heart). And the reason I choose most of the time to shut everyone else down late at night is because I can become vulnerable- to myself, to others- and then I either get myself in trouble or start talking actual nonsensical Ambien shit. But anyway, I was doing six things at once, and most of them have turned out this afternoon to be either irrelevant or more cause for unnecessary worry (as per usual). And what happens today, on my way back from printing up some stuff I'll need for an appointment next month, is I hear this song, which means virtually nothing to this entry, but puts me in a place to better sum up how I've been feeling lately with an inconspicuous bow that only I can see and appreciate. Now if I can just learn to not make big deals of things and have brawls with myself and others in my head, I'll be on my way to maybe being a better person.

"I kissed your lips and I tasted blood.
I asked you what happened and you said there'd been a fight.
You said 'I've been fighting for your honor but you wouldn't understand.'"
Lyrics.  

I don't have a phone that lets me do all sortsa fancy emoji crap so this really doesn't do anything for me, but apparently you're getting a hockey emoji   eventually. What this information does do for me, however, is make me proud that well over a year ago I pestered the people who run a certain website dedicated to the craft of putting words together into sentences and paragraphs for internet perusal (who shall also remain nameless because I bothered them enough at the time and felt like a huge douchebag for doing so) into creating a hockey emoticon for use within the parameters of their information superhighway on-ramp and rest area. With the help of my pals brothernature and Lyn's a Witchy Woman , we raised some charity funds for RAOK and for our efforts received not one, but four excellent hockey emoticons that you all can use too. The WDC community was way ahead of the Apple nation on this very important and monumental issue, and no one can take that away from us.

Speaking of hockey, one of the underrated gems of the internet- and specifically Twitter- is the creation of accounts for inanimate objects. One of my recent favorites has been the @LordStanley feed  , which supposedly has followed the feelings of the greatest trophy cup in all the world's history of championships. In a world increasingly full of detestable detestables, it's a beacon of joy reading about what the cup has thought of the 2014-15 NHL season.

I have to share this new place on WDC, "Coffee Shop Discussions" , headed up by Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ . It's a unique idea that I haven't quite seen before here, and I suggest you all check it out because it looks interesting and has the potential to promote a lot more critical thinking than I'm used to experiencing (and no, that's not a shot at anyone...it's just that I think an idea like Fran's coffee shop is sort of a general evolutionary step in blogging: it adds a collaborative element of ideas, which serves to enrich everyone involved). It's a positive thing y'all.

And finally, I'm always down for finding out about things I'm familiar with, but sometimes unsure of what they're called (and I also like weird words that take the place of whatever we call stuff when we're not sure of what they actually are). Here's a cute list   of exactly those types of words. I always just called bacon "bacon"...but why not impress your friends and call it something more like what it really is? That's nourishment for the belly, and the brain! Plus, it beats the alternative  .

Ugh...didn't I say something about this being long? Someday I'll figure out why I do this to myself and subject your endurance to all of this. But today is not that day. I've got my own soul to deal with before I start considering yours or anyone else's. Peace, a pizzatarian, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!