Shouts From Down Under

When your beer, shoulders, even cookies have a head on them.

Don't be stoopid. That's all. That's the lesson here. Write. Write a lot. Write a large amount. But, stupid don't be.

Check out the comments under this video. Some requires caution for the sensitive.




"My cookies have a head on them"

What amazes me with videos these days, is not so much the content, although that's often out of this world with awesomeness because people can upload the most trivial anonymous rubbish and yet it has universal, viral appeal in no time. No, what really amazes me is the cleverness and off the cuff cool ness of the comments section.
Yes, there are the trolls. There is racism. There is the usual tools who think swearing and being otherwise filthy is tough and intelligent.
But despite these tossers, there is a huge amount of thought, debate, banter and yes, yes it is this also - comradeship, in the comments. There are hilarious jokes written in the bland, deadpan way that true comedians master that only increases our mirth to painful levels.

People seem to care a lot about doing the right thing when spouting about it in comments sections makes them feel superior to others. We've all jammed our necks in dumb waiters surely?

Let's dry our (almost hysterical) tears of laughter then, and move on.

Today I realised something I should have long ago. A book is like a vehicle. The reader is the driver. They spy your book (vehicle) and if something appeals to them enough by the look of it, the outward appearance, they'll stop, look some more, perhaps even choose to get in for a few seconds (open it and read a little, turn a couple of pages) and see if they want to take it for a long spin, perhaps even own it for themselves.

They may like the fact that you, the designer, are right there ready to explain all about it, show a human interest side to the vehicle (your blood, sweat and tears novel) and even sign it for them. (One day you'll be famous)

So, they open the door and get in. They look around. But what if the vehicle looked great on the outside, but inside there's so much smoke and cobwebs, and built up fluff, that the driver (reader) can't even see the dash or steering wheel?

What if there's no steering wheel? What if someone's fogged up the windscreen and taken the fuse out of the demister / heater fan?

What if your hook lines are non existent in the first few paragraphs or pages? Boring. Offensive. Hopeless. Amateurish. Stoopid.

What if the plot is fuzzy, confusing, full of gaps and misalignments, maybe even jammed, or seized? What if there's no strong direction and the driver can see ahead, but drives off from the kerb, only to find the vehicle is sailing over a cliff- falling into a ravine of darkness and disappointment?
There'd be a lot of bad language from the driver. A reader wouldn't recommend your book to others; quite the opposite.

Watch these two videos with caution, or it'll be like driving over a cliff...there's a bit of bad language in there.





I've been thinking about stupidity for a while. Also thinking why people say (not necessarily stupid people either) you should write this way, or write that way, or some other way. Are these wise opinions?

Or are people just stupid? Are writing advisers just stupid? Am I just sputid?

Not all cars / vehicles are the same design, for the same purpose, look the same, or appeal to everybody. Not all readers can read. Someone might read the story for them. You might be trying to appeal to more than one skill / ability level reader.

Yes, the vehicle analogy, it's the same as the way we write.

There's more to this train of thought than just stupidity or lack of. Think about it. We all hear, and I'm guilty, of trumpeting about show not tell, and give more description, and more dialogue, more this, less of that, lift your game, stop doing that, keep doing this, and above all, don't be stupid.

But, hang on a second. Let's all just calm down. Have ourselves a cup of tea. And nut this out.

What if all readers aren't Neo from the Matrix? What if we, as readers, aren't all super heroes, aren't a huge IQ level, aren't as edumacated, aren't as intellectualised as others?

What if drivers have different levels of ability when sitting behind the wheel. Now let's not get that argument started with jumper cables. PLEASE.

You know the one. Women drivers. Men drivers. Young people speeding or hooning. Old people driving slow on Sundays. Volvo operators wearing hats with a folded tartan blanket with shag edges on the back parcel shelf. The drivers wearing a hoodie, mirror shades, heavily tinted windows, ipod earplugs jammed in their head holes, and wondering why people can't predict their intentions in traffic manoeuvres.

What if the reader of your book doesn't really need great mystical expansion, a hidden depth to the plot-ness, and couldn't give two flying hoots about whether you told them instead of showed them. What if they, the reader, simply wanted to read an Enid Blyton or J K Rowling story? What if people wanted to be "told"? What if they just want the characters to be ordinary, easily imagined people that sell drills, and get on trains at the station like everyone else. What if they just want to read Dr Seuss?

http://www.catinthehat.org/history.htm

Not everyone thinks at an elevated, complex, highly *intelliganinkle level, is what I'm saying.

Horses for courses, to quote a tired, worn out- possibly even dead- cliché.

You don't write like a dictionary, (as my kids told me after reading a couple of pages of my manuscript) if it's kids reading it. You don't display inflated, baffling, highbrow literature to readers who just want to sit down and read a love yarn, or enjoy a good heart stopping horror story, or want the relaxation that comes with a neck hair raising, cemetery misting, dirt smelling, ghost story.

Sometimes you don't have to reinvent global warming, or pay a lot of money for something that can be done simply, easily, and without the pomp and ceremony.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/tonybradley/2014/04/09/replacing-a-dead-prius-hybrid...

When we commit to writing a book, I seriously believe that all authors should be a bit flexible, and aim to hit the target market. Think outside the square. Think laterally. Think originality. Think rule breaking. Think new ideas.

http://www.equipeenterprises.com/products

Think un-stupid though. Grammar, punctuation, spelling, and other basic stuff can never be "short cut" to indulge the lazy. (Like me)

Think art. I saw a painting on canvas today that had been placed on a chair in a small porch with one wall open. The rain had done things to that painting. Unintended effects.

I asked the person were they a painter. No. It was just an accidental situation.
But the effect was original. Who would think of painting a picture and then letting it weather? This idea gave me ideas for this blog.

In addition to all this fatherly writer advice, may I point out a list of people who AREN'T stupid. Just so you know. These people write. They write in spite of all the negatives. They write even though they already know there's only a minute chance of getting published, and less chance than winning the $100,000,000,000 lottery of every becoming famous or pedestalled.

Here is the list of people who've never been stupid.

.
.
.
.
and
.

Case closed.

*spell check suggested "intelligible" for this word. What's not clear about the word as it is anyway?

Sparky