Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about first dates and self-love.

"This is what I would blog about if there was nothing to blog about."

Good afternoon everyone! Today is an exciting day...team names and logos have been revealed in the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 's fundraising brouhaha, and I will be a member of the prevailing squad, The Blogging Bunch.

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I also got a fantastic night of sleep last night- maybe the best I've had in awhile- even though I woke up around 4:30am sweating profusely with an intense desire to, ummmm, take care of some personal behavior-related issues involving a body part that was overwhelmingly awake. I resisted though, because my need of falling back asleep outweighed the desire to procure any materials that would've aided in the relief assistance...it was a feeling that couldn't be beat, you might say.

Moving on...today we're not given much to work with, and you know that makes me feel some kinda way. But I'm not gonna let it get to me. I've found some interesting materials to build off of via the vast knowledge possessed by the interwebs, and I'm gonna use them.

Yesterday we learned in Julie D - PUBLISHED! 's entry "Invalid Entry"  that she recently went on a first date with a perhaps new romantic interest, and that she had quite the enjoyable time. This man was afforded the opportunity to then meet some of Julie's friends, who are very protective of her. In honor of that occasion, I'd like to present a list of 30 questions that should absolutely be discussed on any first date  , in hopes that Julie's pals asked the proper information of her new man if she hasn't already.

In addition, I'll provide my answers, as someday I may want to start dating again, and with this entry I'll be able to get the preliminaries outta the way. I toyed with the idea of posting these first and then the questions, but some of you might read this part first, initially skipping the link because that's just a click that takes you away from this page, and some people don't like that. Whatever. Knock yourselves out...this is what happens to me when I don't have the proper motivation and supervision.

1) Absolutely, without a doubt, I feel very passionately about this. We need to do what's best not only for our children, but for the animals as well. I wrote about this once in "This one's about 12 staples and no sauce."  (you'll have to scroll to about halfway through to see my topical response).

2) It's a complex formula that consists of how much time I can make up along the way, presuming the dog also doesn't bite me (which is the likelier of outcomes).

3) Two, three tops; this depends on if I'm actually wearing pants.

4) That weren't on TV? Zero. I think.

5) Reclined. Or straight layin' down with my head well-propped.

6) None of 'em. People feeding and housing and dressing dogs over humans? Let's not have that talk.

7) Assuming they're straight-up real bakery donuts, let's stop at one. If they're cheap little Hostess powdered Donettes, how many packs ya got?

8) Depends. I can go months and months without, and then spend 2-3 days feeling absolutely terrible about otherwise inconsequential things.

9) All of it, please. Please!!

10) No one. No time for that.

11) I probably wouldn't even let you leave the room without you watching me disobey you.

12) No. I'm unflappable like that.

13) Probably, yes, but maybe with some kind of improvised plastic undergarments on. Like saran-wrapped loins would probably do.

14) None, but that's not to say I never drained more than a few out of sheer loneliness and/or boredom.

15) Wouldn't need to think about it...couch me. But six days...that would take a lot of work. Good thing I'm not a quitter.

16) Oprah can go slap herself.

17) Cutthroat.

18) No. The journey is often more fun than the destination.

19) Five days, not counting bathroom breaks.

20) Answer carefully. If you object, you may never love or understand me.

21) I don't think that's ever happened, but I did eat an entire bag of Sour Cream And Onion potato chips once and then power-puked the rest of the evening.

22) Never. Showers render tears indistinguishable.

23) The limit is when it's too painful to breathe.

24) Probably just to a grocery store. It's not something I've ever had to specifically journey for.

25) Ew. Corn dogs are gross.

26) Ew. The Olsen twins are the corn dogs of shitty nineties/early 2000's movies.

27) Not ashamed to admit I've done this before. I think my max was 16.

28) Around $14. On myself. That was a fun late breakfast/early lunch.

29) What do I do with the other 79.5 pages?

30) Original. I'm a traditionalist.

I hope that this has helped you in some way...if not today or this week, then down the road where it can be fully appreciated. And we're all pullin' for ya, Julie...good luck!

Day eight of "The Soundtrack of Your Life"  should cover some familiar territory for most of us: the first date. For many, it's often the best part of the relationship because like the internet and social media, we're usually striving to put our best aspects on display. The goal isn't just to fall in love, but to get to the second date...and then the third one, and so on. Until there's no longer anything more you can do that the other person finds likeable. And then it's all downhill from there, unless you're lucky enough to maintain some kind of status quo of happiness that never quite feels on par with the excitement you felt immediately after the first date. I'd say that while I have plenty of optimistic bones in my body, the amount of relationships that end up like this or worse is a lot higher than we'd all like to believe.

I love first dates. I love falling in love with someone. The smiles are smilier, the hearts are heartier, and the loathing is practically non-existent. It's one of the most beautiful things in the world. If there were a professional league of first-daters, I'd be an all-star. I'd make millions off that post-first date feeling, and people would pay top dollar to watch me woo as ladies swoon. There'd be incentive clauses in my contract for batted eyelashes and "I know we shouldn't but I really want to"'s.

But that doesn't exist, and in its place this does. And it's glorious and hilarious and only semi-biographically cringe-worthy. From the album Take Off Your Pants And Jacket, it's Blink 182's "First Date".

"Please don't look at me with those eyes.
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies."
Lyrics.  

More info about Harper Lee's sequel   to To Kill A Mockingbird...maybe she does want this book to come out, and has been screwing with everyone for years by saying it never existed and that she only ever wanted to publish one book. Maybe something stronger is in play as well...perhaps, and I know this kind of speculation is unbecoming, there's more to Harper Lee than what were seeing of this entire story right now. Could this be the last act of a fragile woman clinging to life, before everything fades to black? Hard to say...but like the married couple that's been together their entire long lives, and then one passes and the otherwise healthy widow/widower passes immediately after, maybe this is her way of truly saying goodbye. I know it's a morbid thought and all, but in this age of overanalysis by anyone with access to any form of media, I fear we may never really know of a truth about anything that isn't open to all sorts of random speculation, rumor mongering, and conspiracy theorist rampaging. And apparently now I have sunk to that level and am no better.

Recently we were introduced by Gwyneth Paltrow to the virtues of vaginal steaming  , which I never knew was a thing and I'll bet most of you didn't until then either. But it is, for better or for worse, and now there comes along a bona-fide reason (or 10)   why you might want to consider getting your meat curtains ironed. I know many a strong woman, but like steaming, this too is something I'm not familiar with at all. I'm down with keeping systems clean and healthy and well-maintained, but this is an all-new level of feminine power to me. My newest hope is to now someday not get beaten up by a vagina.

And that's it for today, friends. These are the things I think about when I'm told I don't have to think about anything. Peace, forever and ever, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!