Victories in Disguise

Part 6: January 17, 2015 [3:00 PM]

It was time for the main event.


Mary Ruth stood before her gathered audience, effortlessly describing the project for anyone not already up to date.  She appeared calm and jovial as she regaled us of her inspirations.  Her speech was fluid and lighthearted as she transitioned into the early planning stages.  There didn’t seem to be any stress in her at all.  She looked perfectly at home up there, ignoring the fact that she was literally at home. 


That’s writing humor, folks.  Deal with it.


After about fifteen minutes, she filled us in on what we could expect in the coming months, ending with the fundraiser in April during which the artwork based on the stories would be sold via auction.  Now, all this was well and good.  Though I was near the focus of attention, where I’m least comfortable, my anxiety level was fairly low for the time being.


I think this particular detail is what confuses most people about social anxieties.  People hear the phrase “Social Anxiety Disorder” and imagine a person with the stoic fortitude of a church mouse in a room filled with hungry cats.  This is an inaccurate comparison confusing fear with anxiety.  They are similar, but not the same thing. 


Just a second, I have to adjust my glasses, as we nerds do, before dropping the knowledge on you.


Fear is a sense of distress brought on by the threat of danger, whether that threat is imagined or not.  Anxiety is simply a state of apprehension that can exist with or without a fear-inducing stimulus.  See the difference?


That little mouse is screwed and he knows it.  His tense reaction to his predicament is completely justified in that he is surrounded by a clowder of fuzzy death.  It is a fear response, fight or flight all the way.  When given the option, mice always choose flight.


That is, unless they’re characters in a Disney movie.


Now, if the mouse is surrounded by other mice instead of felines and he reacts this way, it is still considered a fear response because, though the other mice are harmless, the danger is still perceived as real.  Fear reactions from imagined threats are commonly associated with phobias because, whether we like to admit it or not, perception is reality.  Musophobia is the fear of mice, by the way, and ailurophobia is the fear of cats. 


Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words because psychologists are jerks sometimes.


Our humble, pious rodent would only be considered as having anxiety rather than a phobia if he understood there was no danger to be found in his skittering brethren, yet still exhibited signs of stress.  Interesting twist, isn’t it?  A simple difference in perspective makes a huge difference.


Knowing this, I’m often fully capable of being in a situation that would normally cause me anxiety and not feel any anxiety.  It takes some effort usually, but there are times when it happens on its own.  However it’s achieved, it often comes at a price.


You see, I’m so used to feeling anxious that, as I learn ways to reduce or even remove stress, I miss it.  It’s not that I long for it like some sullen, Shakespearean teenager pining after a girl perched on a balcony.  I’m actually quite pleased it’s gone most of the time because I feel I have the rare opportunity to show people my true personality, corny jokes and all. 


I see those eye rolls.  I just don’t care.


It’s that I’m so aware of the absence of anxiety that I become anxious for its return.  I know it will come back.  I just never know when and the anticipation is just as stressful as any social exchange.  You read that correctly.  I have anxiety about my anxiety.


All of this can be controlled, mind you, just like anything else, with the proper level of focus.  People are often surprised when I tell them I have social anxieties because I appear calm in very social situations.  Well, that’s the point.  It’s not a fear response born of imagined threats.  It’s an unfounded stress reaction to things I know will do me no harm.  Once I learned about it, I perceived it for what it was and reacted accordingly.  What good would it do anyone for me to have a panic attack in the middle of a crowded store or at a party filled with people trying to do something good for humanity?


I’m sure it would get a few hits on YouTube.


I would have to keep that in mind as Mary Ruth transitioned from her project overview to the part of the evening I dreaded the most.  She started the course of artist and writer introductions on the opposite side of the room, which you’d think would have made me happy.  It didn’t.  Now, I would have to wait, dreading its arrival like a tidal wave flowing across the crescent seating arrangements to overtake me.


I didn’t even bring my water wings.