Wondering about my Wanderings

I Forgive You

They are three electric words. They are at some levels fighting words, because upon saying them you know without a doubt someone is going to say what did I do wrong now.

There is a history. I have been divorced for over twelve years now. In the aftermath of the divorce I was confessing all manner of sin/wrong that I had done. Inasmuch I was saying the reason for the divorce was all my fault.

It was about three of four years she called me out of the blue to say that she forgave me. It struck me real funny. At first I wanted her to tell me what she was referring to and I let it go. I tried to savor the moment and yet in the back of my mind I wanted to tell her I forgive you too. I could not do it, because Cindy is the kind of person, who does the right thing. She does things for the right reasons. It felt all wrong.

I woke up and realized I needed to do something even if it would only lead to more pain for me. I needed to tell her that I forgave her even it she never gave any indication that she needed it. I had been stirring up resentment. I came out here and I fell in love with her and after that lost track of my family back East. Then there was divorce and brokenness in all kinds of ways climaxed by the death of my mother who I had not seen on a Christmas holiday since before I was married.

I am tired of being angry. She has been a great mother and human being. At the moment she is studying to be a minister. I wish her well. Even if she does not ask for it I offer it to her anyway. Maybe that is as good an example of grace as I will ever find.