Wondering about my Wanderings

Missing Mom

I really felt it today, more than any other. I am sitting in church listening to Christmas Carols. One of them is "Silent Night", the last song sang before she died. I was reminded of my last Christmas with her and felt pain at knowing inside myself that I did not recall my last Christmas with my kids. All of a sudden Christmas becomes an awful reminder of how alone I feel.

I listen to the message in a half dazed state. I feel angry and want to tell my ex and children how much I hate the holiday and that it is all my fault. I sit here pondering the Christmas. There is no place at the inn. I read further and see a baby born in a manger. There is a remembrance about how a lot of people missed out on that first Christmas. I hope to find a way to recapture the spirit of that first Christmas this year. All the presents that I give mean nothing. I would like nothing more than to be with them and realize that it will never happen. At least that is what I feel deep inside.

I pray God can help me come to grips with what it means to miss mom even as I miss being my children's dad on the holiday. God be with me and help me see how the blessing of Christmas can be there for those who might not know it otherwise.