Blogs on a Life Time of What If's?

I Am

The question I often ask myself is, what is self esteem and when does arrogance and pride overtake self belief?

I often think of my grandmother, a woman who understood her value and was self depreciating in her opinion. Then I remember the time when she remarked how a friend was a peasant. I was shocked but events since have shown the truth of her statement.

The word peasant paints an image of a worker in a field, eeking out a living from the land, with little or no education. A quick reference to the dictionary showed the meaning to include unsophisticated, rude and ignorant. This pulled me up sharp, how many times have I behaved in a similar fashion and worse still, how many times have I accused another for their behaviour? We can all be peasants and excuse our behaviour as being warranted because of anothers actions.

Is this due to the arrogance of ego and self pride, that we are unable to see ourselves behaving in a derogatory manner justifying it as righteous indignation? In truth, yes, it probably is. I cringe when I read again the emails written in self righteous indignation after my father’s passing, knowing I had sold myself short. It would be easy to excuse my actions by pointing the finger at the incoming emails, but the reality is, I held no responsibility for the writers actions, I was responsible only for mine.

There is a progression from a place of self recognition, knowing from within what feels right for you and listening to that instinct. I have lost count of the number of times I have ignored that voice of warning and found myself uncomfortable in my own skin. My fathers passing was the catalyst which helped me understand how false pride and ego can destroy lives and relationships. I also learnt to understand how pride and ego can disguise an awareness of self.

I think to my brother who finds comfort in family and business connections, who takes pride in never having made a mistake, I think to my mother who took pride in being an artist of some note and saw herself as always being right, I think to my father who took pride in his family connections and being a member of the Mensa club. Did pride make them happy people? I dont think so, in fact I would go so far to say that they were three of the unhappiest people I knew. They spent their lives looking for the great I AM accolade from society only to be bitterly disappointed.

I AM comes from within, from self knowledge and honesty. A simple statement, simple to understand, difficult to achieve. To know yourself is the greatest gift, a commodity which cannot be bought or sold, but easily stolen.