Blogs on a Life Time of What If's?

Captain of Our Ship

We are responsible for ourselves and our actions. I am reminded of this every day particularly when confronted with situations where I begin to question myself.

I have started a job doing what comes naturally, talking to people but because I have to learn new skills through trial and error, something starts to curl in my stomach causing self doubt. It is easy to roll around in pain, finding blame elsewhere, looking to the company, the training, the system or whatever it may be, but the fact is, there is only one person who is captaining my ship and that is me.

Someone once said that where ever we are, whatever we are doing, that is what we had planned and thinking back over the years, I think they may have been right. One example was when I was eighteen and nursing, I skipped a couple of shifts and spent the weekend with my then boyfriend. The fall out was a verbal thrashing by my mother. I spent many years blaming my mother for her outburst, but on reflection I realise I had orchestrated that weekend as a means to an end.

Self worth is a valuable tool enabling us to live our lives confident of the decisions we make. The decision to go nursing wasnt mine to make, it was my mother's. The irony is, the decision to leave nursing was also my mother's. Why didn't I say to my parents I wanted to leave the profession of their choice? Because I was frightened of the outcome.

As a parent, I have discovered it is harder to encourage self esteem than it is to tear it down. One of the joys of parenthood is watching your kids learn to captain their ship without your assistance. I dont think any parent gets away from some blame from their kids for whatever it was they did or didn't do, but, at the end of the day, it doesnt matter. What is done, is done, move forward. Many of us climb on the cycle of blame, which, as it turns becomes faster and faster until eventually someone falls off. This is when relationships break down as it did between my mother and myself.

It’s comforting to blame someone rather than look at yourself. It wasnt until I found Mums painting ‘Looking Through the Looking Glass’ did I begin to understand. We are a mirror image of the other, independant of thought, spirit and emotion, not tied in any material way other than reflection. We as parents and children tend to forget this, tying ourselves to family perceptions losing ourselves and our self confidence amidst a flurry of expectations.