Wondering about my Wanderings

why me?

I am discovering that it is very hard for me to let things go, when I feel like I have done something wrong. My conscience is overbearing and it drives me crazy. I guess you could say I am a perfectionist when it comes to me, whereas if someone else does something wrong I freely am exposed as all forgiving. I recall spilling something on my work seat-it was watery and thinking it was the end of the world. I talked to the head driver and he let me know he had done something a lot worse. It was no big deal. I listen on my radio and notice the times I just barely make radio checks. It is something at least ten officers do at the end of a shift. Yet for me I have to beat myself up even if I flub up a little.

I boil it down to being the oldest and living life on the edge. I never knew when something would go wrong. I did everything possible to keep it from happening. Then when stuff did happen I would catastrophise . Something bad happened and I had to quietly come to some resolution inside myself to justify my existence. I beg the question when will it stop? I wonder if anyone else has that problem. Someday I will blame myself for dying or for not being there when a friend went through a rough time. Part of me still wonders if I could have done more for mom. She was constantly on facebook. She liked what I wrote, but I for some reason let all manner of things distract me. I spent more time obsessing about why my son and daughter at one point did not talk to me. I must have done something wrong. I feel like I am the only one who has done this. Is there anybody out there that can relate?