Who do I still think I am??

This one's about that one.

MOB-RELATED ACTIVITY:

Good evening folks! It's another one of them snowy nights...seems like there's been way too many of them this year. I heard on the radio this afternoon we're supposed to get 6-10" overnight, with it tapering off by daybreak. And it better, because I have plans in the afternoon that require going over to the other side of town and I don't want to be bothered any more than I'll already be by having to leave the comfort of my warm bed.

It looks like our Blog Mob is managing survival, and Andre, the bOSS' (with an uncapital B) Blog Monkey, is still out and roamin' around. Brother Nature even pitched in 10k to not take him back right away, which means he trusts us to do the right thing...whatever the "right thing" is with a monkey. People ask me, "Yo, what's the deal with the monkey?" and I'm all like, "Man, I don't even know! It's all bigger than me." And it's true...at this point, I have no idea what Andre's purpose is anymore. As long as he's not shootin' smack under a bridge somewhere in Skaneateles, he'll be fine. Although I'm pretty sure if he was, you probably wouldn't be able to pull him out of a police lineup with all the other junkies.

That being said, I think it's time to talk about me for the rest of this entry. Because you > me > monkeys > dope fiend monkeys. In case you were wonderin'.

BCF PROMPT: "How did you meet your current/most recent romantic partner? If you have never been in a romantic relationship, how would you like to meet 'the one'?"

I love how this prompt kind of (and I'm sure that's not the intent, but I can't help to see it like so) implies that if I'm not with "the one", then I obviously haven't met that "one" yet...sort of glossing over that nowhere land where your life remains incomplete by staying forever alone. I know it was in a book or a movie or something, but it bears me asking in my "incredulous" voice, "Who says my life has to be defined by me having someone else to share it with??"

I don't break out the bold font very often y'all, but if ever there were a time....

I suppose if I really wanted to relive the months (months!!) I spent trying to catch a date with the lady that would've eventually became the most recent ex-girlfriend, I'd be wasting all my remaining breaths rereading "I'm Studying You"  while sitting next to a box of tissues wearing only pajama pants and Cheeto dust on my fingers. And while I'm thankful that through that experience I gained readers, encouragement, and life lessons, on the whole it's not something I care to relive...all that time (nearly four years) to get to this point is plenty for me, thanks.

That's the mythic idea of love that I don't comprehend; that you have to be in it to share it, and vice versa. I don't buy it. It doesn't work that way for me, but then again rarely do things turn out under the premise that they're supposed to under certain terms. And while I understand that there are some things only a lover can provide, it's not like I can't live without them or feel any less complete not currently having them. I've had them all before, so I have the frame of reference; it's not like I lost them because I've learned to go without, but there's a very real sense that destiny thought better of my plans than even I did. I'm totally ok with that, and if you don't like it or think otherwise, well, walk a few blocks in my Adidas and tell me you're dying because you can't be with the person you feel like you're so meant to be with.

Sure, sometimes I miss all the fun stuff that couples share, but I don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't have to be responsible for another person's feelings, or take into consideration that all or some of my decisions have ramifications beyond me. I'm not forcing my will or living for two or pacifying. I have a hard enough time making myself happy as it is; I can't imagine having to please others as well anymore.

And if that makes me sound selfish, well, it wouldn't be the first time anyone's called me that . The line forms to your right (my left). I'm not saying I'll never date again as long as I live, but right now the idea that when I eventually leave this world I won't be leaving anyone behind means more to me than any of the alternatives (romantically speaking)...and if you happen to work in a drug store of any sort in my neighborhood, this is especially good news. I've had three significant (longer than six months) relationships in the last ten years, and all three of those women happened to work in that particular segment of retail industry...maybe I do need to get out more .

MUSICAL BREAK!!

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I'm gonna double-up and pick two songs today, because I managed to miss a day earlier this week. Both revolve around a time in my life, oh, maybe fifteen years or so ago, when I was coming out of a relationship with a girl that I absolutely thought was my "one". I was sooooooo in love with her, and sooooooo oblivious to the fact that she was not in love with me, that it's comical now to think about it. But wow did it suck...especially considering that all of my friends knew that she was seeing one of my best friends behind my back, but nobody wanted to be the one to break the news to me.

I won't include a video for the first song because I'm pretty sure there isn't one that's just the song, but it's how I dealt with it on the outside...I felt I was the better long-term choice for the girl than my friend, and I wasn't gonna let anyone see how hurt I was by their relationship. I got to be pretty good at hiding my real feelings behind humor and sarcasm, which wasn't healthy, and even though the guy's name wasn't Gary I could listen to "Dysentery Gary" by Blink-182 (album: Enema Of The State {link:http://www.amazon.com/Enema-Of-The-State-Blink-182/dp/B00000IPAX/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392341627&sr=8-1&keywords=blink+182+enema+of+the+state}; lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blink182/dysenterygary.html) on repeat and blame that dude for just about everything wrong with the world. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3VfFmQHL7w

The other song, "Lady, Your Roof Brings Me Down" by Scott Weiland (album: 12 Bar Blues {link:http://www.amazon.com/12-Bar-Blues-Scott-Weiland/dp/B0000062RU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392342192&sr=8-1&keywords=Scott+Weiland+12+bar+Blues}; lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/lady-your-roof-brings-me-down-lyrics-scott-weiland.ht...), was definitely a better indicator of how I was handling everything internally regarding this same girl. I felt like I was doing everything right by going along with her whims (when she wanted to be with me, I made myself available...when she wanted space, there was space), yet I couldn't match expectations in the long run and it felt devastating to a clear extent. The whole cd is pretty amazing actually, but this song in particular nailed how I felt from an emotional perspective.

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

50: Too freakin' young to die. Rest in peace, Maggie Estep...I can't recite any of your words by memory, but I can definitely count myself among the generation inspired to pick up a pen by your performances on MTV and as part of Def Poetry Jam. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/13/arts/television/maggie-estep-slam-poetry-perfo...

So while I was watching the Scott Weiland video before actually thinking of an entry to write around it, my internet dropped out...and if you want to see what a heroin addict looks like, I suggest pausing the video at the 2:44 mark (which is right where the video stopped for me). Tell me there are no similarities between Weiland and Jim Carrey at the beginning of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g-4ClI2HvQ.

Well, I'm out of tales to tell this fantastic evening, so I'm gonna pretend like I don't see ya comin' with the hope that you blindside me. Peace, when today I thought there was some, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!