Blogocentric Formulations

Day 3: Article About The Past Year

*Written as part of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 

Day 3 Prompt: Look back on 2013. Read your blog entries from early last year and observe how you've changed. If you weren't blogging early last year, think back to that time and imagine what you would have been doing or thinking about. Now, write an article about your past year of life in the voice of a reporter. Remember: making your reader laugh is key, so this can be as outlandish and overblown as you are brave enough to do Have fun!

THE IDENTITY-CONFLICTED TEMPORARY VEGETARIAN
by R.E. Porter

For Jeff, 2013 started off like any other year. He recounted his reading accomplishments from the past year and talked mostly about the inane topics he always likes to discuss: movies, books, music... hot-button issues in the world of typography and lexicology... the kinds of things that really speak to people. Little did Jeff know, his whole world was about to change.

It started with a trip back home in February where Jeff realized the home he grew up knowing didn't feel like home anymore. Clearly, these negative, depressing thoughts started him on a dangerous downward spiral because he started experimenting shortly thereafter. Within a month of that fateful trip, he had converted to vegetarianism; a condition he claimed was temporary, but has anyone checked up on him recently? Has anyone monitored his eating habits to ensure he's back to consuming delicious fauna? Call this reporter skeptical, but he's not going to believe it until the paparazzi snaps a picture of him stuffing his face with a Wendy's Baconator!

Jeff's downward slide didn't stop there, though. He went 77 days without updating his blog, during which only God knows what he was doing (he bullet-pointed out reasons for the absence, but it's entirely possible he was just in a quinoa and tofurkey-fueled stupor that whole time). A month later, his wife leaves him... for a mission trip out of the country BUT STILL LEFT HIM. Inside sources cite his erratic behavior and bizarre dietary shifts. Thankfully, they were reunited a few short weeks later.

From there, Jeff's year seemed to be looking up. He got a new office at work, and posted shortly thereafter about not being "blue" anymore, which experts took as a sign of improvement, albeit with references to now being "purple" which greatly confused everybody. Friends and loved ones waited anxiously to see what would happen next and, unfortunately, it was a dramatic relapse.

He binge-watched reality television, went to a baseball game and contemplated actually liking the Dodgers despite being an avid Giants fan... AND HE CHANGED HIS NAME, dropping the carefully cultivated Writing.Com handle he had nurtured for years in favor of using his real name. Authorities and family were concerned for his safety now that his real identity was out in the open, but thankfully the days and weeks passed without any hostile action on the part of crazed fans and/or exes.

Interestingly enough, the name change seemed to do wonders for his personality. He became a productive member of society again, contemplating starting a Writing.Com screenwriting group and creating a "thank you" video for the site owners on the heels of the site anniversary. He also replaced his aging laptop, wrote some blog posts that were approaching intelligible, coherent, thought, and seems to finally be back on the road to recovery.

Only time will tell if 2014 holds more progress or another relapse in store for Jeff, but of one thing this reporter is certain... vegetarianism is clearly a gateway drug that should be avoided at all costs.

More as this story develops.