Destiny's End

Home Again

They talked about little things, sights, and made light conversation as they sped down the highway. Sooner than she wanted, Lanae was back in her home town. It looked the same, but it somehow felt different. Steve slowed and turned left at the hospital.
         "This isn't the right corner, Steve. I told you the address and I thought you had directions and a map." Lanae explained.
         "I do, I just thought we would take the scenic route past the park and the river, instead of just down the highway to your street. I guess I want to keep you a little longer, that's all."
         Sally knew that wasn't the case. When they had looked up the directions, she seen they would pass right by the train museum from this direction, and they now had the "new" dinning car out in front, refurbished and open for use as a snack bar and dinner. They knew this would bring back unwanted memories for Lanae and had decided that was not the best way for Lanae to start over here.
         "It's my fault, I told Steve to kidnap you and hold you for ransom so high we won't ever have to give you back." Sally turned and faced the back. "Are you sure this is what you want, Lanae? If you're not sure, we can go back and try our plan."
         "I don't know, Sally." Lanae looked out the window, then turned back, "I just don't know if this is the best thing or not, but I know I have to try. This is where I lost myself, and this is where I need to find me again."
         Steve looked up in the mirror. "Your right, you do need to do this. I believe that with all my heart. I just don't think you need to do it all alone. We are not that far away, and you have our number, and a phone. I'll keep it active and you call. I don't care what for, just call for any reason or no reason at all. If you need anything, you call."
         Sally finished for Steve, "Yes call, all the time. And if you change your mind, you don't feel like your letting anyone down. We want you to come back, and we will come get you, here, there, or wherever this path takes you."
         They stopped in the driveway, and Steve put the car in park. Turning, he said, "Lets end this part and start the next with a prayer for our friendship, and for your next chapter of life."
         They all joined hands, "Father, watch over our friend, or little sister. Guide her, protect her, and help her find what she's looking for. Comfort us all, Father, in our sorrow and help us to cope with being apart. Most of all, Father, guide us all to the place we can once again all be together. Amen."
         Steve got out, opened the door for Sally and then the rear door for Lanae. He went to the trunk and everyone grabbed something. With two suitcases and a full garment bag, Lanae returned to the house she had left with only a handful of cloths what seemed like a lifetime ago. Everything looked the same, but as soon as the door opened and Lanae stepped inside she noticed something different. It looked the same, but it felt changed.
         Lanae introduced her friends to her mom, who asked them to spend the night. Of course, Steve explained the situation, "We'd love to take your invitation, but we both have to be up for work tomorrow. Thank you, perhaps another time."
         They both gave Lanae hugs again, and Sally got all teary eyed as they said goodbye to each other. Lanae felt tears in her eyes, too. She fought them, not wanting her mom to see her crying, and in the end she managed to stop them from flowing down her cheeks, but not by much.
         "You have some nice friends, there, Lanae. It's too bad they had to leave so soon, I would have enjoyed visiting with them and getting to know them better."
         Lanae smiled, "Yes, they are wonderful friends, Mom. I'm sure they would have stuck around longer, but with them having work tomorrow, they wanted to get home before it gets too late. You understand."
         Lanae was still standing, not sure what to do or how to act. Her mom had pulled out a chair and said, "Come sit for a while, your planning on sticking around for a while aren't you?"
         Lanae sat. "How have you been, Mom? You look good."
         "I feel good. I'm working now, at the courthouse. I don't know if you remember, but I used to work there when you were a little girl. I bumped into Gladys in the grocery store one day, oh, maybe a month after you moved out. She asked how I was getting along and I told her I was a widow and that you had also moved out. She told me there was an opening in records, and that I should apply. I did, and she helped me get the job."
         "I do remember. That's wonderful, you liked working there, and I guess I never understood why you quit. Maybe I just wasn't old enough. Why did you quit, Mom?"
         "We never told you, because you were so little and wouldn't have understood then. I suppose it's kind of late now, but I quit because I was pregnant."
         Lanae was taken by surprise, "Pregnant?"
         "Yes, I was about three months along, but I was having some problems. I had gone to the doctor and he said I would have to quit work and take it easy until the baby came. That's why I quit, and I went in every week after that."
         "I was little, but I would have understood you having a baby."
         "I know you would have been alright with that, but at first I didn't know I was pregnant, then when I found out, I was sick all the time. Then, with the problems, we decided it best not to tell you until we knew the baby was going to be alright. But the doctor didn't know if the baby was going to be alright or not. The heartbeat was so slow and not strong enough."
         "I was sent to see another doctor, who did a lot of tests. Finally, he told us the baby would not survive, her heart had not fully developed, and there were only two chambers instead of four. I was scheduled to come back in for some more tests a week later to see if there was any hope at all. Only, before I even went back, the baby had stopped moving and the doctor confirmed the baby's heart had stopped."
         Lanae understood more now than she ever had. "Oh, Mom. I'm sorry, I wish I would have know this sooner."
         "Why, what could you have done? It was over and by the time everything was said and done, your dad and I found out I could never have another baby. I had developed a tumor and had to have a complete hysterectomy done. That's why you went and stayed with your grandma for so long."
         Lanae new her mom had been sick, that's why she had gone to grandma's for a while. It was after she came home that her mom seemed more distant. Lanae also knew this was about the time her dad and she became so close. "I know I was too little to understand, and I know I couldn't do anything, but I do understand now mom. I understand why you and I stopped doing things together, why I had to stay and grandmas, and why you changed."
         "I changed?" Her mom flushed, then took a deep breath. "I suppose I did, but it wasn't just me, Lanae. I still wanted to do things with you, once I had recovered, but your dad, he didn't take the loss of the baby very well at all. He insisted that you do everything with him, all the time. At the same time, I think he always blamed me for losing the baby. After, we never had any passion, there was no romance. He wouldn't even sleep in the same bed with me anymore."
         She broke out into tears and ran to her bedroom. Lanae started to follow, but when she heard the door slam shut, she stopped. This was all new to her, to see her mom cry, to hear these things, and to finally understand why life had turned the way it had. But, she could not bring herself to accept that her dad had shut her mom out.
         She sat back down and put her head in her hands. This was just so different from how she always seen her dad. She was still trying to put it together when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She was startled and jumped half out of her chair. Turning, she seen her mom standing behind her with her hand on Lanae's shoulder.
         "I'm sorry, Lanae, I know you should have learned this a long time ago. I didn't mean for it to all come out now, and I know it's hard for you to understand."
         "I'm trying, Mom, but I just can't see Daddy being this cruel to anyone."
         "Your dad was never cruel, he didn't do it to hurt anyone. I just don't think he ever stopped hurting, and he just pulled away." After a long pause, "I guess I also pushed, and eventually he turned his attention to you. Soon, you two were the best buddies, and I suppose I was jealous of you. I know that's not right, but I was. I watched you two get closer and closer even as Wayne and I drifted further apart. I know my own bitterness only pushed him, and you further away."
         "I'm not asking you to forgive me, Lanae, I just want you to know why." Phyllis went to the living room and sat down in her chair.
         Lanae got up and went into the living room. "I'm sorry too, Mom. I never knew but I guess I should have seen. Maybe that's the problem, I didn't want to see. I don't know, I'm going to need some time to let this all sink in. I'm pretty tired, and think I'll just turn in; do I still sleep in my old room."
         "Yes, I made up the bed, but it's not like you left it, I was going to turn it into a sewing room, but never got around to it."
         "That's alright, as long as there's a bed and a place to put my stuff, it will do just fine."
         Lanae took two of the suitcases, her mom got up and carried the rest. When Lanae got to her old room, the door was open. Everything was gone except the bed and dresser, and they were moved. The closet was empty, the drawers were empty. Her posters were gone, her toys, everything. "I guess you really cleaned house in here."
         "I couldn't handle seeing your things, Lanae. I had to get rid of them, so I packed it all up and donated it. I didn't think I would ever hear from you again, not after the way we parted."
         "Oh Mom, I could never stay away. I know we have our differences, and we didn't get along, but I love you, you're my mother."
         They both had tears, and for a long second or two, just looked at each other. Then they rushed together and for the first time in many years, Lanae felt her mom's arms holding her. She hugged her mom as tight as she could. After, her mom turned and went to the door. "I'm glad you came back. I'm tired too, let's get a good night sleep and talk more tomorrow."
         Lanae had a restless night. Dreams haunted her sleep, and the conversation with her mom haunted her wakeful stages. Finally, when the sky began to lighten, she fell into a deep sleep. She didn't hear anything and slept quite late into the morning. When she did wake up, her mom was gone. There was a note on the table, "Had to work, be home a little after 3:00. Make yourself comfortable and make some lunch. There's coffee in the server on the counter if you drink coffee. Maybe we can go out for supper. Mom"
         Lanae poured a cup of coffee and sat down. It was still pretty warm as she sipped on it. She thought about all her mom had told her. It made sense, but she wasn't able to picture her dad turning on his wife, he had been so loving and caring. "He always asked you to come with but you wouldn't. Why"
         She didn't find any answers, and knew she never would. "Oh Daddy, why"
         She finished her coffee and went to her room to put her cloths away. She put some of them in the dresser, then went to the closet to hang the rest. She folded the garment bag and put it on the shelf above, then put the two suitcases in the back of the closet. There was a box there, and she pulled it out. It was about twice the size of a shoe box and it was full of pictures. Many were of her parents before she was born, and when she was very little.
         She looked through them quickly, then took the box out to the table. She poured another cup of coffee and started looking at the past. She had never seen these, but they were her mom and dad, that was certain. They were so close in them, holding hands, kissing, some her mom was sitting on his lap. She looked through more and more. In some of them, she was a baby, then a young girl, then a school girl. There was one that caught her attention. She was sitting on the table, helping her dad put curlers in her mom's hair. Her mom did not have a shirt on, just her bra, and it was easy to see the roundness of her tummy.
         Lanae turned the picture over, and on the back there was the date. It was just as her mom had said. She went through the box and found a few more taken that showed her mom pregnant. Of course, the younger girl in the pictures didn't know what pregnant was. "I wonder why I didn't remember any of this. I do now?"
         Lanae put the box back, then made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. After she had eaten, she went around the yard, and looked around. It still looked the same, only her sandbox no longer was full of sand, it was dirt and there were flowers. She had not played in the sandbox for a long time, but it always had the sand in it. She remembered when her dad brought home the great big tire that he made into a sand box.
         She sat on the step and let her mind drift back. He had not brought the tire home, it was already there. She remembered it leaning against the garage. "Daddy, why is that big tire there? What's if for Daddy?"
         She could remember asking him and she remembered now his answer. No, not his, Mom's. "That was a tire on my Daddy's tractor. We brought it home so your Daddy can make me a flower garden."
         She remembered coming home from school, was it a couple days later? The tire was in the back yard full of sand. "Daddy, did you put flowers in that tire for Mommy?"
         "No, Honey, its sand for you to play in. Your very own sandbox. Let's get some toys and try it out."
         "Mommy, come with us and play." She remembered her mom looking so sad, then going in the house. She spent the night in her room and Lanae did not see her again till the next day.
         "Mommy doesn't feel well, Honey." Her dad had explained when they ate supper in front of the TV without mom.
         She got up and went back in, feeling very sad. "You do remember, you just didn't let it sink in."
         She straightened up the house, dusted and was just about done vacuuming the living room when her mom got home. It wasn't messy, and it didn't need cleaning, but it gave her something to do, and she had gotten into the habit of cleaning for Sally.
         "Lanae? You didn't have to clean the house." Phyllis had come in unheard with the vacuum going.
         "I know, I was bored and - well I didn't want to think anymore." She smiled and then wrapped the cord up.
         "Didn't want to think? What are you talking about?"
         "I found the box of pictures in the closet and then I went outside and seen the tire sandbox."
         "Lanae, I didn't put those flowers in there to be mean, I...."
         "It's alright, Mom. I remembered where the tire came from, it was your dad's tractor tire, and it was supposed to be a flower box, not a sandbox." Lanae looked at her mom, "I remember the story, and then I came home and it was a sandbox, and you were upset. I know now you weren't sick, you were hurt."
         "That was a long time ago. I just thought since you had stopped playing in there a long time ago, then after you moved," she looked so sad, "After my dad died, they auctioned the farm because he owed so much money. I never got anything to remember him by, because we couldn't get back in time. Anyway, after we did get back there, we looked around. The farm was sold, but nobody had moved there yet. Everything was gone, the buildings locked up, then behind the barn we found the tire. It was an old tire he had changed out, no good for anything, and I suppose they put it back there to get it out of the way for the auction."
         Lanae listened intently as she heard the whole story. "I wanted something from the farm, and your dad wrestled that big ole tire out of the weeds and over the fence. Well, actually, he kind of knocked the old fence down trying to get that tire out. Then, we both wrestled with it and managed to get it up on top of the car. We found some twine on some hay bales and tied it in place. He told me it would make a beautiful flower garden, in remembrance of my dad."
         Lanae took hold of her mom's hand as she finished, "It was late in the fall, so he rolled the tire over to the garage and it stayed there through the winter. The nest spring, I was pregnant and it got put on hold until later. Well, you know the rest now. I do want to add, I don't think your dad did anything out of meanness or bitterness. It's just that something inside him died with the baby. I guess something inside me did, too."
         "After your dad died, and after you moved, I went through things. So many things made me hurt when I would remember, like those pictures, so I packed them away. Some things I got rid of, but others I stored away, to give to you someday. That's why the pictures were put in the closet. I didn't want any from before, to remind me of what we lost with that baby."
         "I don't know what to say, Mom. I never knew, but now I can remember some of it, and I don't know what to say."
         "There's nothing to say, you were a little girl then, and did not understand. I suppose it was difficult for you to see things changing and not know why. Just let it rest, Lanae, there is no use in living in the past. We all made mistakes. No matter why, it doesn't matter anymore; it's more important to move on."
         "I agree, but it does help to know why things were the way they were. I think it will make it easier now for us to rebuild that mother, daughter relationship we used to have."
         "I would like that, Lanae, but it will never be like it was, we have both changed. I don't want you to be disappointed when it never goes back to what it was. Ok?"
         "Ok. You're right, it can't ever go back, but we can build a new one. Right?"
         "Right, and to do that, we need food. I don't know about you, but I'm starved. I like to go to the River Side Caffor the all you can eat fish fry and was hoping you would join me. Are you up to it?"
         "I am, but I don't have any money and I don't expect you to pay my way. You go and I'll join you once I've found a job."
         "I'm not expecting you to pay, I'm inviting my daughter to dinner. We need to talk and plan out where this is going to, but I can't do nothing on an empty stomach and by the time I get done stuffing my face with fish, I'm going to be too stuffed and too tired to make plans for anything except bed."

***