Amygdalia's Blog

Melancholy holiday

I think I’ve written before about how down I get during the winter holidays. Part of the problem, of course, is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was SO hoping that moving to California would eliminate that issue, but no such luck. It’s been glorious and sunny for the past several days, but I’ve been huddled inside, gloomy and shivering under a blanket. My body EXPECTS to be gloomy and cold this time of year. Somehow I have to retrain it. My full spectrum light wasn’t doing me much good, so I stopped making it a part of my morning routine. Perhaps I should start using it again and see what happens.

But back to the holidays . . .

I’m just working part of this out in my mind as I write. Parts I already knew and understood, but I’m having a revelation as I sit here. I have ALWAYS felt resentful during this time of year. Regardless of the fact that I strongly believe everyone has the right to their religion and beliefs, I resent the fact that, at this time of year, in the United States, everyone is assumed to be Christian, and to celebrate Christmas. Growing up, we did Christmas art projects in school, we sang Christmas carols in music class, and exchanged Christmas presents. If there wasn’t a Jewish mom to come in and tell the class about Hanukkah, it was utterly ignored. And, of course, my mom was not that mom. I did go into my kids’ classes for many years, to tell the children about the different Jewish holidays. I stopped when we moved. I’m not entirely sure why.

So resentment about the presumption that I celebrate this holiday hits me strongly. This year I became irritated about the Christmas ornament exchange in Monkey’s classroom. And yet, I had not gone in to teach the class about Hanukkah. Monkey DID bring in dreidels, as well as a couple of stories for his teacher to read. So that made me happy. But an ornament exchange? Surely my child is not the only non-Christian in the class. I felt uncomfortable though, saying something to the classroom parent, who was organizing the party. Why? Well, my husband is not Jewish. We have a tree. If I made a stink, I’d feel like a hypocrite, despite the fact that we do the tree for Bob. Not for us. So I asked Monkey if he wanted to participate in the ornament exchange. He said yes. We have a little red bell on the tree now, as a result.

Of course every time Monkey’s class does ANY kind of party, I have to provide special food for him. Pizza party? Off to Patxi’s I go, for Monkey’s cheeseless “sauce pizza.” Each parent is supposed to send in a small amount of money to cover the cost of party food. I figure since I spend double that to make sure Monkey has food, they can toss him a juice box without my paying up. Ooh, off topic, another kettle of resentment entirely.

Resentment hits me in the stores, as well. The shops are crowded, which I don’t do well with on the best of occasions. Everything is a Christmas display. It was less than a week ago (if you’re keeping track, Hanukkah ended on the 3rd of December) that I saw the wee Hanukkah display, tucked away on a top shelf at CVS. Oooh, that’s handy. I usually buy something Hanukkah-related, out of principle, if I see it in a store. A thank you for carrying items related to my holiday token, perhaps. But also a reminder that they should CONTINUE to carry these items in the future. Look – someone’s buying them! We need to have them again next year! I didn’t see anything in that sorry little display that I felt compelled to buy. Cheap candles. More dreidels (I have approximately 75). Fakey plastic menorah. Nope. No thanks.

I want to make clear – I do not resent those who celebrate Christmas. I know it’s an exciting, and all-consuming time of year for many people, and if anything, I resent the fact that I can’t find myself feeling that sense of excitement.

Well, you know what? Maybe I do . . . not resent those who celebrate the holiday, but when I see a photo of a Jewish friend wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, I have to ask myself . . . why? Do they feel the lure of being a part of this season, or are they selling out, in an effort to fit in? Probably I need years of therapy to deal with this.

Ah well, in a few days it will be over.