Diary

Oh My, What Worries

Dear Diary,

Today has been a rather normal day, however I'm feeling some distress. My anxiety levels are rising again because I have a mock interview for school this week that, if failed, will cause me to fail the class. We students have different assigned interviewers, some have the same, but I was the only one assigned an interview with the CEO of the college. People say he is really nice, but to me it still sounds like a recipe for disaster. The worst part to everything is that I have finally found something I want to do in life, but I am almost done with my current degree, which is not something I want to do and I fear I may fail at. Since I am in healthcare, I must follow the appropriate laws, which I don't know much about. What if I break the law when I get a job and end up in jail? I know this is very possible because I can be naive, unknowingly doing things, and it scares me to death. I have an externship coming up and I fear i may fail that. I have no office experience, no experience using a fax machine or office scanner. I just want to get this degree, pass school and externship and get everything over with. Then when the time comes I can go back to college for what I really want to do. The problem it, it would be my 4th time going to college, and I've already switched majors so many times because I didn't know what i wanted to do. Is there a limit to the amount of schooling I can receive? I know the situation looks bad, and that is what I fear. But after so much switching, I've finally found something I'm interested in. But this current degree I'm going for, I just don't feel like I'm fit for it, but I don't want to quit again, I want to be able to say I have a degree, I did it, even if i don't end up using it.

There's another matter that worries me. My boyfriend Alex had to move away for a while and it has been months since I've seen him. I worry that he won't be back in time for my graduation, and I really want him to go. There is also the matter of whether or not we will be getting a place together. I do not know if he is ready, he used to be but after our relationship ups and downs, the last time i asked he wasn't sure. I currently live with my parents and if he doesn't want to live with me or doesn't come back in time, I will have to find my own place which will require me to have a full time job. I prefer to be a stay at home girlfriend because of my extreme anxiety and my lack of interest in my current career field, which Alex supports my decision, but that won't work if I have to get my own place. I suppose we will see what happens when the time comes. I will end up going down whatever path God needs me to take. I just hope our relationship stays strong, as it seems to be again now. I don't want anything to happen to tear us apart again. We believe we are soul mates, that we are a part of each other and we make each other happy. He has told me he feels that way, so I have hope that we will be together forever, especially if God gives us guidance to a good healthy relationship.

For now I am on anti-depressant medication and I'm due to follow up with my doctor, however he says I am running out of some options for medication because none of them seem to work. The medication I'm on now I have been on before in the past, but now it seems to cause my mood to be irritable. I feel like it has helped my anxiety maybe a little, which is the only good side and I am afraid my doctor will tell me that I'm out of options. I always get really nervous to see the doctor, I have never liked going but i know that being on this medication I have to go. I just hope he can still help me out with my anxiety.

My life is so full of worries, how i wish I was more confident and intelligent.