Who do I still think I am??

This one's about the terrors, and trial and error.

BCF PROMPT: "You’re having a nightmare, and have to choose between three doors. Pick one, and tell us about what you find on the other side."

What's up folks? It's been quite the weekend and this prompt is in need of my attention, so let's not waste any time today, okay?

My troubles attaining a decent night of sleep over the last year and a half or so have occasionally crept their way into my writing (physically...as in my actually having written about them, and luckily not mentally, as in me falling face-down into my keyboard mid-sentence, although that could be seen as physically...and speaking of which, well, since this sentence is already reaching run-on proportions, let's get into the mental aspect later). But I've been experiencing a different phenomenon as of late, and I'm not really happy about it. The nightmare.

I used to have a problem years ago when, if I was tired enough in the middle of the day, I'd try to take a nap. I'd get cozy on the couch, close my eyes, and slowly drift into a phase where I wasn't quite asleep, but I wasn't awake either. I knew the music I had on was still playing, but when I fully realized I was awake, the music was off. And if I was really "lucky", I'd have what I used to call a terror-nap. I'd feel awake, but I was dreaming...or was I? The two most common terror-naps were 1) constant knocking noises that I would hear, either at the door or a nearby wall, but couldn't force myself to rise and answer or investigate...and when I finally did, there would be no evidence that someone was at the door (my door was really difficult to shut, so I'd know if someone was trying to knock and left), and I lived by myself, so there could be no possible way the wall next to me was being knocked on unless someone crawled up the basement pipes and into my kitchen sink (which was on the opposite side of the wall as my couch, and as you and I both know it's impossible to get anything up a basement pipe); and 2) millions of tiny insects with all of their tiny insect legs crawling all over me...I'd get the visual on the 65" plasma I watch my dreams on inside my head and somehow be awake enough to feel these sensations all over my body as if it were actually happening...and just like that, naptime was over.

So I stopped taking naps. I'd just try to power through and catch the second, third, fourth or 12th wind of the day, and hope that I could sleep at night. Then sleep became a problem in general. And after getting some treatment for that, and having the doctor play trial and error, I got on a pretty good combo of meds in conjunction with giving up caffeine and sugary drinks. For the most part, it's been working out pretty awesome (although I do miss coffee in the mornings and Mountain Dew whenever I'm thirsty)...but there's a catch: once I fall asleep, I'm out solid for about five or six hours until I stir a little bit, roll over, and fall back asleep. That's about the time my nap dilemma and my current sleep trend have come full-circle...I'll start dreaming, or at least remembering what I dream about. And by dream, I mean nightmare.

Oddly enough, and I'm not kidding, a lot of the time they involve different doors. I know this because my therapist had wanted me to start writing down my dreams, but he hasn't asked me about it since and I'm not sure where I put that notebook anyway. They almost always end up with me and my ex, either in the apartment I grew up in as a kid, or in a twisted version of my dad and stepmom's house. And the doors are always in different places, leading to rooms that may or may not have existed in their original form. Like the other night for example...it was a Sunday, and I was looking in the fridge trying to figure out what I was going to buy at the store in order to make dinner for the ex and her kids. But instead of our house, it was that childhood apartment, and my ex wasn't living there with me. My bedroom (in the dream) was my mother's room (in reality), my brother slept in what was my room, and I don't think the third bedroom existed. The tv was different, and the front entrance to the balcony wasn't there. I left to go to the store and held the door for the old lady who lived there as she came outside to hang laundry. I walked...but it wasn't the same street I remember growing up. I walked back home because I wanted to take the car, and then I went and shopped. When I came back, I couldn't park by the house, so I parked on the next block, which looked more like where I live now. I had to walk with groceries through some strange building that resembled part of a gym, part of a fire hall, part of the basement in the house I lived in with my ex, and part of a locker room.

I felt lost and confused. I didn't know where I was, but I knew I didn't want to be there. I could hear guys in the locker room, and I didn't want them to know I was there...I didn't want to disrupt them. But you know how that goes...the minute you try to pull that off, that's the minute you sorta get caught. They were yelling, taunting, and calling for my attention, and I was trapped. I couldn't get out. There was no "other door" to go through. It was me, them, and a panic attack.

And that's usually how I wake up. I almost have to force myself awake because I don't want to face or find out what happens next. If I'm dreaming that I'm freaked out, that's enough for me. You may as well have just thrown cold water at my face. Only, with cold water, at least I'm startled enough to try to get up and dry myself off...not turn over and try to fall back asleep while pondering what just occurred. At that point, I'm exhausted but I'm not falling back into a complete sleep, and I'm too out of it still to put my feet on the floor and try to get out of bed. That little struggle isn't an ideal way to start a day.

The weirdest nightmare? Had to be the one that happened either earlier in the same morning or the morning before. I had convinced my 12th grade English teacher to commit suicide. Upon leaving him after our discussion, I fell and broke my arm. I began to feel extremely guilty about my conversation, but I had to get my arm taken care of. I came across my dad/stepmom's old house, which (as it usually does in my dreams) had three doors on the front porch instead of one. I went inside and the living room looked like you would imagine the seedy parlor of a witch doctor's would look. A woman, dressed like the "I Dream Of Genie" genie (but way uglier) said she could fix my arm, and she did so by using a drill to drive a screw through my arm with no anesthetic. I lifted my arm and all sorts of clear liquid started gushing from it...spouting, really. But I wasn't in pain. I ran back to where I last saw my teacher, but he was laying on the ground. His son was kneeling behind him and holding up his head. I began to apologize and explain, but he politely cut me off and said, "It's ok. He's gone to the other side now." That, my friends, is no way to start a day either (and in case you're wondering, the teacher in question was one of my favorites and had passed almost ten years ago of natural causes or a brief illness...if he caught you daydreaming in class or playing with the blinds on the windows, he'd make you stand on your desk while holding the cords, jump off it and yell...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24WjeP1El1Q).

I could go on and on...no matter which door I pick, it never seems to be the right one. I see my therapist Tuesday afternoon...maybe I'll run that by him and see what he thinks. He's been talking about trying to get my in some class that helps with natural sleeping techniques...maybe this will help him actually do his job and follow up on things he says he's going to do.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

I have woken up to this feeling too many times as well.

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

Tough weekend to be a sports fan if you're in my world...

          Not only are my beloved Buffalo Bills without their top draft pick, QB E.J. Manuel, but they lost another QB to a potentially career-ending concussion on Saturday. And to make matters worse, one of last year's top draft picks (and a real bright spot for the team), CB Stephon Gilmore, will probably miss the first half of the season due to wrist surgery after hurting it this weekend as well. The Bills did manage to trade for and sign some reinforcements for the QB position, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel a little bad about tweeting this after Saturday's preseason game (because in hindsight, the guy's livelihood is now in jeopardy...concussions are no joke):

I then went on a bit of a Twitter binge the next day, but it wasn't nearly as entertaining. If you're really that concerned, you know where to look for it...@fivesixer.

          The deities of sport had their revenge on me when it was determined earlier today NY Mets ace pitcher Matt Harvey would be shut down for the rest of the season because of a partially torn UCL (basically it's something in his elbow that makes it function like an elbow). If he has to have Tommy John surgery (where, well, here, instead of me trying to tell you what it is and why it's named: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tommy_John_surgery), he could end up missing next season as well. As one sportscaster on ESPN Radio said this evening, "It's a typical Mets story"...they weren't supposed to contend this year anyway, but at least it was an interesting season because of Harvey and some of the other young guys on the team. They lulled us in and then suckerpunched us.

Come to think of it, they almost sound like Bills and Sabres teams of recent years.

Speaking of internet messages, sleep, and anything else related to those topics, I have to apologize to Wordsmitty ✍️ and other members of the Blogging Bliss editorial department I may have emailed the other night when I should've been trying to sleep. Even after taking my sleep medications, I don't immediately fall asleep. That's usually when I'll head to http://www.usatoday.com/ or http://www.grantland.com/...an article or two later, I'm ready to clock Z's. But for some reason, I felt compelled to grab a late-nite snack, and that prompted me to check my email...which led to me sending out a response, apparently. I knew in the morning I had sent out something the night before but I didn't remember what exactly until I read what Smitty sent back, prompting me to reread what I'd sent. Without divulging too much (and it's not as bad as it is embarrassing), "ballot" and "ballet" are two entirely different words (and I repeatedly kept spelling the thing used to vote with as if it were a type of dance), and while using a keyboard on a laptop in the dark after taking Ambien and Remeron is not listed among side effects, it should be right up there with the warning that it may cause people to talk, walk, have sex and drive a car in their sleep (all quoted from the papers they stick in the bag when I pick up my Ambien script). And I didn't even learn my lesson, because I was at it again the next night! I woke up the following day, and I had a notification on Facebook saying that someone liked the comment I'd made on their post. Up to that point I had no clue I'd even made the comment. Turns out I'm pretty funny, affable, and a horrible speller when I'm under the influence of sleeping pills.

And speaking of newsletters, I hope everyone had a chance to see this month's "Invalid Item" ! It's our best issue yet (and I'm not just saying that because I had anything to do with it). Emily , brothernature, and especially Wordsmitty ✍️ all did a tremendous job putting it together. And we can't forget about blainecindy...welcome her back in September and wish her a Happy Birthday!! Head over to the "Blogging Bliss Newsletter Forum"  and tell the editors what you think of this month's Bliss, ask a question, share your favorite blog entries or tell them what you'd like to see in the newsletter...and who knows, your blog could be featured in the next issue. pinkbarbie and her blog were the subject of this month's feature, so check it out and be sure to leave her a comment. Thanks to her and to everyone who's supported the Blogging Bliss so far...it just keeps getting better and better, and hopefully we'll have some exciting things to share before the year is out.

I need to plan my snack habits a little better. While I did manage to score a $3 coupon for CVS and have it directly applied to my card thing bonus program whatever they call it online, I realized about ten minutes before they closed that I was just about out of peanut butter and jelly right around the same time my belly was telling me it was time for peanut butter and jelly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xn0aibhV9I. I managed to make it downstairs knowing full well it was raining out, but from upstairs I could not have noticed that one could've easily floated a family of beach balls comfortably down the street atop of the inches of water the rain provided. Yeah, there's no way I was that desperate for some PB&J that I'd cross the street on bad legs in the middle of that kind of rain storm.

Remember when you could watch the MTV Video Music Awards and all you'd have to worry about was Britney Spears gettin' a little sauced and trying to relaunch her career as a slightly paunchy exhibitionist after ditchin' her babydaddy 'cuz his rap career sucked and he became an internet punch line? (Here's the proof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaiJIbweU6g} Me neither. What's a video anyway? I guess MTV actually had more performances on the show than actual presentations of trophies. One of my cousins actually posted on Facebook this evening, "I think I should be concerned about how many adult friends I have on Facebook that commented on the VMA's."

That's about all I can do for you guys tonight. Thanks...you've been a lovely audience. I need to quit pretending I'll only take a few minutes to wrote up an entry, because it never fails that I eventually take hours on end to complete one. I also need to quit screwin' around and get back into reviewing people like crazy because my WDC Upgrade's expiring in a couple of days and I'm not even close to having enough GP's this time around to keep it going. But that's all for another day, because it's late. Peace, let's see what's behind door number three, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!