Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Five - "Boy From Yesterday"

“Wasn't it you who brought me here


To the place lovers go?


Just look at these arms, reaching out to you


You said that you'd always care


I just turned around, and there's nobody there.”





- Stranded, HEART

The electricity came back on at 4:37 in the morning. Adam lay in bed, hovering between sleep and wakefulness, his mind still spinning and unwilling, perhaps unable, to shut off and rest. The events of the evening with Sam replayed on a loop, his words and actions, his desperation and fear,  jabbing at Adam's mind. Somewhere beneath the surface of Sam's seemingly erratic behavior and emotions, there lay the truth, a reason for it all. But when Adam reached for it, it would withdraw into the darkness, linger at the edge of enlightenment but refuse to show itself.


         When the lights came on, they brought Adam to full wakefulness, blinding him. He left the bed and switched off the overhead light, leaving only the soft light of the bedside lamp. The bedroom door was ajar. He had left it partially open, in case Sam needed him sometime in the night. He wanted to be able to hear him if he called to him. He wasn't entirely sure why he felt so protective of Sam, why he felt the deep need to be right there for him the second he might need him. But that sense of protectiveness was there and he couldn't put it down.


         Adam left the bedroom. Sam's door was closed, but a light glowed underneath it. No doubt his light had been turned on when the electricity went out. Adam moved past the room and went through the house, turning off the lights. He double checked the stove to be sure the burner was off, turned off the kitchen light and walked back down the hall.


         He paused outside Sam's room once more and listened at the door. No sound emerged. He knocked lightly. “Sam?” He spoke low, so as not to wake him if he was finally asleep. The kid needed his rest, especially after their eventful night. He had been exhausted when he'd finally went to bed, nearly falling asleep in Adam's arms as they sat on the hearth. Adam had longed to just take Sam to bed with him, just hold him and comfort him. And by that point, he was certain Sam wouldn't have objected. But the passion Sam had ignited in Adam had been taking its time settling down, and Adam knew the risks of having Sam in bed with him, vulnerable and open to Adam's advances.


         He opened the door slowly, quietly. The bedside lamp glowed. Sam lay on his side, his back to Adam, hugging a pillow tightly in his sleep. Adam approached the bed and watched Sam sleeping. He still wore his black t-shirt, and the blankets were bunched at his waist. A light wind ticked rain against the window. There was a noticeable chill in the air and Adam moved forward, gently drawing the blankets up over Sam's shoulders. He lingered close, slowly combing his fingers through Sam's hair.


         “Sleep well, babe.” Adam whispered, aching to crawl beneath the covers with Sam. He drew his fingers from Sam's soft, golden hair reluctantly, tracing his fingertips over the young man's covered shoulder.


         “Adam...” His name fell from Sam's lips in a bare murmur, heavy with sleep. Sam's hand slid up over Adam's and gripped him weakly.


         Adam tensed, waiting. Sam's hand rested lightly on his own. His pulse quickening, Adam rubbed his thumb over Sam's fingers. Sam tightened his grip a little and drew Adam's hand down around his chest. The kid was asleep and the wise thing would be to just gently pull his hand away and return to his own bed, but Adam sat down on the bed instead and leaned down close to Sam's shoulder. Sam pulled his arm around him tighter.


         “Sam.” Adam murmured against his shoulder but he didn't answer. Sam held onto his hand in his sleep. Releasing a shaky breath, Adam stretched out on top of the blankets behind Sam and hugged the kid gently. He pressed his face into Sam's hair and closed his eyes. He wore only his blue silk boxers and the cold air quickly began to chill his exposed skin. He trembled at the thought of slipping under the blankets and cuddling up against Sam's warm body. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't.


          “Oh god, Sam.” Adam whispered unsteadily into the kid's soft hair. Hair that smelled so good, felt so good against his face. He intertwined his fingers with Sam's and pressed his hand against Sam's chest, focused on the steady beat of his heart. “Oh my god, Sam.” He shuddered. “I can't be in here with you this way.”


         Adam went to draw his hand back but Sam suddenly gripped him more firmly. The kid tensed in his sleep. Beneath his hand, Adam felt Sam's heart begin to beat faster, harder. A shudder ran through the young man as his breath caught in a sob. Adam frowned and tightened his arm around Sam again. He kissed his hair then pressed his face into the curve of his shoulder.


         “I'm here, Sam.” He whispered thickly and kissed his warm skin. “I'm right here, baby.”











“Jase...wait.” Jase's hands were all over Sam, an urgency in their touch that both excited and frightened Sam.


         The sand was cool against Sam's back as Jase began to slide his shirt up. The other boy's mouth was hot on his throat, his eager, hungry body pinning Sam against the beach. Sam's pulse raced wildly. He stared at the dark sky overhead, riddled with millions of stars. Listened to the crash of the waves on the beach. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly as Jase pressed his body more firmly against Sam's. The boy's hunger and need couldn't be denied.


         Jase could wait no longer. Sam had put him off for as long as he could, but he was at the end of his rope. His love and desire for Sam was consuming him and, tonight, there was no turning back. No more waiting.


         Down the beach, a huge bonfire lit up the night. Sam turned his head and watched the flames leaping up into the darkness, as if trying to reach the sky, the stars. Other kids moved around the fire, laughing, shouting, drinking. Rock music blasted through the night. No one came down this way. There were no interruptions.


         Jase's hands were shaking with urgency as he worked to unfasten the front of Sam's pants. He wasn't in the state of mind to hear what Sam needed to tell him, but what would Jase think if Sam made love to him before explaining everything to him? How would he feel about Sam then? Would he hate him? Feel betrayed?


         The thought of Jase turning away from him, not loving him anymore...it ripped through Sam's heart. Jase was the one. The love of his life. He loved Sam with all his heart. He'd said so many times over. And Sam had seen the truth of it in his eyes every time he looked at the other boy. Jase would understand and still love him. He had to.


         “Jase.” Sam's own hands were shaking as well as he grabbed Jase's hands, trying to halt him. He hungered for the boy as much as Jase hungered for him. Sam wanted this. Wanted it desperately. He had dreamed about this moment with Jase. But now that it was here, he was terrified. Could he really allow Jase to make love to him when there were still secrets he was hiding? Important secrets that Jase needed to know?


         Sam wanted their first time to be perfect, with nothing left unresolved between them. He didn't want this to be a bittersweet memory years down the line. He had to tell Jase the truth...and pray the boy would understand.


         When Sam gripped Jase's hands more firmly, preventing movement, Jase pressed his face against Sam's neck and groaned with a level of anguish. “Sam, please...don't do this.” He kissed Sam's neck, then his mouth. “You know I love you. I can't wait any longer. I can't, baby. It's killing me. You said you were ready.” He kissed Sam's mouth again. “Please don't take it back. I'll lose my mind.”


         Sam kissed him back. “I am ready, Jase.” Sam whispered. “I want this too, but-”


         “No buts.” Jase kissed his mouth with hunger. “Let's not talk anymore.” He kissed Sam again, with more passion and tenderness, drawing Sam under his spell. “All I want to do is make love to you. That's all, baby. We can talk later if you want. But just...not now. Please.”


         Sam trembled beneath Jase's body, his intoxicating kisses. He loosened his grip on Jase's hands and let the boy undress him. Sam closed his eyes again and let himself get carried away by the feel of Jase's hands on his body, his warm lips kissing places that had never been kissed before. And when Jase began to use his mouth to bring him to the brink orgasm, Sam was sure he would go insane.


         He clutched fistfuls of Jase's hair and cried out in the dark, not caring if the others down the beach heard him. He begged Jase to take him all the way, thrust him over the edge and just let him fall into the abyss of ecstasy.


         Then Jase's mouth was on Sam's, kissing him urgently, desperately. Sam gasped sharply and clung to Jase's body as the boy slowly entered him. Sam trembled and shook as Jase took possession of him, made Sam his own. Tears flowed from Sam's eyes as his heart swelled and exploded with love for Jase. More love than he had ever experienced before.


         “I love you, Jase.” Sam cried against the boy's shoulder, and clung to him tighter. “I love you...I love you so much.” He kissed Jase's mouth with desperation, even fear. “Tell me you love me, Jase” Sam begged, kissing the boy hard. “Tell me you'll always love me.”


         Jase kissed him back with passion and force as he buried himself inside Sam. “I love you, Sam.” He shuddered, breathless, his body trembling. “I'll always love you, baby. You know I will. Nothing could make me stop loving you.”


         Sam cried and held onto him in a death grip as Jase began to move against his body, slow and gentle at first, then with more urgency as their hunger, passion and pure need for one another took over.


         A scream swelled up in Sam's throat as Jase brought him closer and closer to climax. Jase's hot breath seared Sam's skin as he kissed all over his face and neck, panting erratically, desperate for release.


         “Oh God! Sam!” Jase released a strangled cry as his thrusts grew harder, more erratic.


         “Jase!” Sam cried out loud and clawed the kid's back as his own orgasm gripped him fiercely. “Jaaassse!!” Sam screamed as his body arched and locked up so tight he couldn't breathe. For a split second, he thought he would pass out...then sweet, intoxicating, mind shattering release.


         Jase came at the same time, his body clenching in beautiful agony as he filled Sam with his fluid love.


         The two young lovers clung to each other in desperation and love, their bodies trembling in the throes of ecstasy. Jase's hands were shaking as he touched Sam's face, kissed his trembling lips.


         “I love you, Sam.” He shuddered, his voice cracking with emotion. “Baby, I love you so much. I want to be with you always.” He kissed Sam again with a level of love that swore he meant every word he said. “I'm gonna marry you one day, Sam. You're all I want.”


         Sam wrapped his arms around Jase's neck and held him tight, crying. Praying he would still feel all those things after Sam laid out the truth before him like a lamb on the alter.


         Would their love become the sacrifice?











Sam came out of the dream with a small gasp, flinching hard. His heart was racing as the effects of the dream held on momentarily, causing his body to burn with the passion of that night. His face was wet with tears and a lump tightened his throat.


         “Jase...” He trembled, barely audible. Then he felt the hand against his chest, the strong arm encircling him. Sam tensed as he realized Adam was laying on the bed with him, his face resting against Sam's shoulder. His breath was even, smooth. He was asleep.


         Sam swallowed thickly and shifted his hand. His fingers were wrapped up in Adam's fingers, intertwined. Adam held his hand tightly, securely.


         Images of that night on the beach with Jase flashed in Sam's mind. It had seemed so perfect, convincing Sam that nothing could break their bond of love. What Jase felt was real, there had been no doubt in Sam's mind. And it had been real...until Sam had told him the truth.


         Adam shifted in his sleep. His arm tightened around Sam. Sam's eyes stung and new tears fells from his eyes. Adam looked at him much the same way Jase had, though the depth and intensity of Adam's desires felt stronger, even more mature somehow. But maybe that was because Adam was older than Jase and his desire for Sam was that of a man...rather than a boy.


         A shudder ran through Sam's body at the thought of Adam making love to him with the passion and experience of a grown man. That night with Jase had been amazing, but Jase had still just been a boy, barely entering manhood. Adam was...


         What was he doing? He couldn't be thinking this way. It didn't matter if Adam was a man, his passion more mature...the end results would be the same. Adam would turn on him as Jase had done. And somehow Sam understood that losing Adam would crush him in ways that even losing Jase hadn't done.


         Shaking with the desire to just turn over into Adam's arms, Sam carefully untangled his fingers from Adam's and slipped carefully out from beneath his arm. He didn't know why Adam was in his room, in his bed, but the man obviously wasn't there for selfish motives since he was laying on top of the blankets rather than having crawled under them with Sam.


         Sam left the bed and the chill in the air instantly bit at his skin. He looked at Adam, wearing only his boxers, his body uncovered and certainly cold. Sam went to the closet, found a spare blanket and covered Adam with it. He would rather heat Adam with his own body, but he quickly shook that notion from his head and left the bedroom.


         The fire in the fireplace was mere glowing coals. Sam tossed on some kindling then a couple chunks of wood. A soft throw was draped over the back of the sofa and Sam grabbed it, wrapping it around himself. He sat on the sofa and drew his legs under the throw. Images from that previous evening snapped behind his eyes. Adam's body covering his, Adam's lips kissing him, his sweet tasting tongue in Sam's mouth.


         Sam trembled as electric sensations shot through his body, merging with the lingering effects of his dream about Jase. That night on the beach had been the last time someone had touched him in love...until Adam. He hadn't understood how much he missed it, how much he needed it. If he'd just refused the ride from Adam. If had never met the man. He would be fine now. He had conditioned himself, made himself believe he didn't need the love, the touching, the kissing. And in one shot, one evening with Adam, and all that conditioning had been wiped away. He was back to square one and unsure if he had the strength, or even the will, to work his way back up to not wanting or needing another man's love and touch.


         He stared at the fire, the flames casting flickering shadows up the walls and across the ceiling. Though it was nearly six in the morning, it was still dark outside. The rain still fell, though the storm had passed. Sam's eyes raised to the mantle and the wine bottle still sitting there where he'd left it. The candles were burned out and melted down to almost nothing.


         Sam tucked a square throw pillow under his arm and laid his head against it as he gazed again at the fire. He could hear Jase's voice in his head, drifting up out of past memories. He closed his eyes and tried to push it back down. That night on the beach had been his last good memory of Jase and he didn't want to delve past it any further. But too much was trying to happen here with Adam and he needed to remember why he couldn't allow it. Why he had to find the strength of will to leave here and never return.











“Are you okay, baby?” Jase lay on the sand beside Sam. He rested on his side, propped up on one elbow. He gazed down into Sam's face. He rubbed the back of his fingers down Sam's cheek then leaned close and kissed away the tears lingering there. “Please tell me you're not sorry about what we did.”


         Sam turned and pressed his body against Jase. They were both still naked and the night air felt good against Sam's fevered skin. “I'm not sorry.” He whispered against Jase's throat as the other boy's hand stroked his back. “I could never be sorry.”


         “Then what is it?” Jase's hand slid up Sam's spine and his fingers combed into the hair at the back of Sam's head. “You can't pretend with me, Sam. I know you too well.”


         Sam raised his eyes to Jase's soft gaze. A smile played on Jase's lips. I know you too well. Sam fought the tears trying to well up. No, Jase, you don't. The words teetered on the tip of Sam's tongue. He had to tell him. But how did one start such a dialog? Where did he start to build up to what he needed to say? Sam didn't know.


         “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Jase stroked Sam's face again, caressing his lips with his thumb. “So out with it, babe...how awful can it really be?”


         Sam's throat tightened. Jase had no clue. Was this going to rip them apart? Did he even have any right to expect Jase to understand?


         “Jase...” Sam trembled and his words short circuited. Was this the time and place he really wanted to do this? Laying here naked on the beach with Jase, having just made love for the first time. Couldn't it wait at least until tomorrow? Couldn't he have this one night with Jase? This one perfect night?


         Sam kissed Jase's chest softly and closed his eyes. “I'll tell you about it tomorrow.” Sam whispered as tears squeezed his throat. “Tonight is too perfect...I don't want to ruin it.”


         Jase smiled and kissed his hair. “You're not going to ruin anything.” He murmured. “I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me.” He lifted Sam's face and kissed his lips softly. “Just tell me, babe. I'm sure you're imagining it to be much worse than it is.”


         Tears slid down Sam's face. If only Jase were right. If only he were making something out of nothing. But it wasn't nothing...and Jase wouldn't think so either.


         Sam pulled away him and gathered up his clothes, then began to dress. Jase frowned and sat up.


         “What're you doing?”


         Sam pulled on his pants and fastened them then started to slip into his shirt.


         “Leave the shirt off.” Jase looked him over, smiling. “I know you think you don't look good shirtless...but I think you do.”


         Sam licked his lips and smiled, but pulled on his shirt anyway. He felt exposed and vulnerable without his clothes on, and he didn't need to be feeling like that when he was trying to talk to Jase about something like this.


         He looked down at Jase. The boy laid back and crossed his arms behind his head and smiled up at Sam. Moonlight washed his body in an almost bluish light. He was beautiful. The most beautiful boy Sam had ever laid eyes on. What would he do if Jase stopped loving him? The thought of it squeezed his chest and made it hard to breathe. Would he even be able to breathe without Jase's love? It was like air to him.


         As he gazed at Jase's naked body, he knew he couldn't say what he needed to say while Jase laid there in all his glory either. “Please get dressed, Jase.” Sam said quietly.


         Jase grinned. “What? You can't talk to me like this?” He propped up on his elbows. “Is it too distracting?”


         Sam's eyes slid over his body. He was distracting, but that wasn't the reason Sam wanted him dressed. “Can you just put your clothes on.” Sam whispered. “Please?”


         Jase dropped his head back and groaned, then crawled to his feet. “All right. If you insist.” He grabbed Sam and pulled him against him, rubbing his lips across Sam's mouth. “But are you sure you want me to cover all this up?” He smiled against Sam's lips. “We could put it all to good use again...if you'd just strip back down.”


         “Jase...” Sam flattened his hands against Jase's chest. His skin still had a slightly damp, stickiness to it from when they'd made love. Sam closed his eyes and wished to go back to that moment. And he could go back to it again. Jase would forget about the talk if Sam asked him to make love to him again. But if he put it off now, he didn't know how long it would be before he got the courage to bring it up again. And right now, Jase was high on his love for Sam. And Sam needed that extra allied force.


         When Sam didn't immediately throw off his clothes again, Jase groaned and released him, then grabbed up his jeans. “Okay, babe.” He said. “We'll talk. But then we're going to lose our clothes again and...” He fastened his pants then stepped close to Sam and planted a kiss on his lips. “And make wild, passionate love beneath the stars.” He gripped the back of Sam's head and pulled him into a deeper kiss. “Deal?”


         Jase's blue eyes were only an inch or so from Sam's, and resonating a deep, enduring love. Sam swallowed his tears and nodded slowly, wanting desperately to believe they could go right back to being who they were together at this moment. But a sickening dread took root in Sam's gut, its tendrils spiraling outward, reaching to his heart and wrapping around it tightly, squeezing.


         “Okay then.” Jase grinned and dropped back down on the sand then tugged Sam down in his lap. “What did you want to tell me, babe?”


         Sam scooted off his lap and sat facing him, his knees drawn up. He hugged his legs and stared at Jase, taking one long last look in Jase's eyes, drinking in the intense love glowing therein, basking in that light...before it went out forever.