Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's not about the Oscars.

THE PROMPT: "Give us a serious opinion, analysis, or persuasive opinion of the Oscars, their meaning to you along with the hype, glamour, and actions/comments by celebrities - winners or losers. Quotes from people or articles about the Oscars should be used to support your position. Leave the actual films out of it!"

What's up y'all? According to Wordsmitty ✍️ , it's time to get serious up in here. It's always serious up in here, in one way or another. Why should today be any bit more extra-special serious?

I wanna get the quote part of this entry out of the way in a hurry: "Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires give each other golden statues." -Billy Crystal

I saw that on Facebook this afternoon and couldn't stifle my chuckle.

I didn't watch the Oscars. Gasp! I know, right? I didn't watch them because I don't own a tv right now, but I can assure you that if I did own a tv, I still would not have watched the Oscars. Let me put it to you in another way: there could've been the hottest chicks in the world there, with free booze, all the tacos I could eat, in an easy-to-read format, with convenient side-closing strips, covered in bacon, and I still wouldn't watch the Oscars.

Now, some of you who've made it with me this far today might ask me why. In lieu of a good reason, it simply isn't my thing. I didn't see any of the movies. I don't really harbor many, if any, actress crushes (and don't play the "What if..." game with me, because we both know Katherine Heigl isn't coming home with me anytime soon), and I have better things to waste a good worry on when it's a Sunday night. And that's my word.

I never understood the allure of the Oscars, honestly. At least the Grammys have nothing if not interesting musical collaborations. What's the purpose of watching these people wearing something they're likely to only wear once, with their hair did all crazy (let's be honest...nobody looks like that if they're taking the kids to the dentist), groping on a trophy that's shaped like a dude in what's probably a once-in-a-lifetime (unless you're Denzel Washington...then it's sixth-in-a-lifetime and counting) experience? That there really exists a market for this marked example of celebrity celebratory flogging is above, beyond and through me.

I read a newspaper. I shaved. I ate some Triscuits and a few pieces of cheese. All of this meant a little more to me than the Oscars. And I hate shaving. I really do. Probably more than I love cheese, and I really love cheese.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

Because this is my luck sometimes.

VITAL STATS:

So, I was told during my meeting with the anasthesiologist this morning that I'm not allowed to leave the hospital Thursday under my own power; I'm to have a "responsible adult drive me home and be with me for 24 hours after surgery". Responsible? Child please. On second thought, maybe that's not a bad idea, because...

The other day I mentioned how I tried to go grocery shopping using a motorized cart, and how, well, let's just say it didn't go great. I don't know what's gotten into me, because today I assumed I must be a pro at driving these damn things.

I was starving after my appointment, and the same grocery store happened to be on my way home. I decided I'd get a microwave pizza and eat in in their little cafe. Not a great decision, but probably the best one of the day.

So there I was, mindin' my biz and cruisin' down the end of the beverage aisle. I went to bust a left and drove my motorized meatwagon right into a dude. Perfect timing. Knocked him back a little. I was pretty embarassed...another situation where in the process of trying not to do something you end up making it worse. It was ok though; the guy wasn't hurt and we exchanged apologies. I then waved him by to cross in front of me, to which he said, "No. Kick that thing into high gear and go ahead!" Me: . He was unaware that these things don't have a "high gear".

I figured that nothing worse could happen after that. Not that what I'm about to say qualifies as "worse", but it's just my luck. I got my pizza, heated it up and drove into the little seating area. I ate and hopped back on my hog to take me to the front of the store. I turned the throttle, and...nothing. Wasn't moving. The battery was charged, the button indicating I wanted to go forward was pressed, and yet I wasn't moving. I started rocking back and forth in my seat, thinking I could just will the thing into moving. That wasn't happening. Remember when we were kids and the store had those kiddie cars in the front that you could "drive" for a quarter? I felt like the kid sitting on one of those rides without the quarter. The scene would've been complete if I'd been going "vroom vroom" as well.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be rude. I wanted to do the right thing and not be that guy. But I think you know where this is headed. I did what the majority of y'all woulda did...I got on my crutches and got the eff outta dodge as fast as I could. No lookin' back, cuz if you look back you know someone's gonna be like, "Hey you a-hole, put the cripple cart back where you got it!" But since I didn't look back, that didn't happen. I know what did happen though; I know I am not to be trusted by myself in a grocery store with a motorized cart.

One last word about the Oscars...there were a few articles I came across in the newspapers I read about the host of yesterday's program, Seth MacFarlane. The best thing I heard? One of the commercials leading up to the Oscars featured him saying, "Ask your kids", in reference to older viewers possibly not being aware of who he is.

And just like that, we've reached the end of another entry. Always look both ways while grocery shopping, peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!