DTM's Buzzquotes: $hit My Man Says

Family

That's right folks, this installment is dedicated to out family, and when i mean dedicated I mean that no one is safe from the crap that my husband has to say.

  Once, when I was 9 months pregnant I had to work a 3-11 shift during a major family get together. Before dinner, my father opened the mean with a grace that paid respect to those family members that pasted away. once he was finish, my grandmother suggested that they say a prayer for myself and unborn child. at this point, my husband looked her dead in the eye and explained to her that I wasn't dead and that I was only working and there is no need to say a prayer in my honor. He managed to silence a household of 30 people and make my mother almost piss herself trying not to laugh at him.

  While discussing names for out furture child my husband was telling people at the dinner table that we were thinking about naming out son Christian. MY grandmother gave her two cents about how that is not a manly name (yep, same grandmother as above). he looked her dead in her face and said I guess it's a good thing we're not taking a survey. Boy was she upset.

Below are some random family quotes that just happen to pop into his head:

  "Having a pretend tea party with my child is the most relaxing thing I've done in the last 6 months"

  "There comes a point in every man's life when he has to hell his mom he was just cleaning it"

  "My daughter's onebrave little bitch to f*** with me before I've had my coffee"

  "My nephew's coming over to have tea & cookies with my daughter. Read tomorrow's headlines to see if I've snapped."

  "My daughter found a beer bottle on the ground today and said, “This smells like daddy's kisses.” How adorable! 

    "My daughter cried for 20 minutes because a fly buzzed by her head. This is exactly why I pull out now."

    "Guess my daughter's done with using the fork seeing as it's jammed into the dog's back"

    "My wife just caught me cheating on her... with the couch."