Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about GNBN.

What's up folks? I'm coming to you from Blackberry Central, due in part to my inability to walk less than two blocks after a snowstorm because one of my legs still has a weight-bearing capacity of zero pounds. At least the worst of the snowstorm is over; I hadn't heard a final count but there's at least a foot of snow out there. And according to Facebook, my sources back in the homeland of Buffalo have received at least a foot as well. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday, ya got what ya wanted, ya spent time with loved ones and not-so-loved others, feasted, or just had a good couple of days. Now, more about me and why I'm here tonight.

In the interest of driving the medical community's economy by seeing that my government-sponsored insurer would pay a local doctor out here, I took my left leg into the shop. Standard procedure, or routine maintainence, I suppose. I had some x-rays done, which the doctor said "looked super". It's amazing how an x-ray can make a man who makes a lot of money feel so excited...especially if my "super looking" ankle has two screws in it.

In walked then a nurse. Pretty, but not remarkable. Clearly not in the same realm of Hollywood nurses, but pretty nonetheless. With a combination of fiestiness and flirtation, she was charged with getting my vitals and interviewing me. Assessing my needs. Feeling my pain without actually feeling my pain or doing much about it. She modified the apparatus on my leg that keeps me from taking complete steps by trimming an inch off the top and tucking some softer materials in the ends so I don't go too crazy with this cast on. We exchanged a few more niceties and that was it. My newly tricked-out cast was ready to greet the public. Only one man could stand in my way...

The doc walked back in. He was encouraging again. Kept calling me "kid" and "young man" and he couldn't have been much older than me at all, but I'll admit, I looked younger. Definitely. I think the nurse thought I was a lot younger too, and I'm pretty sure she was younger than me by at least five years. Anyway, I digress...the doc went on to say words I could try to live with: he wasn't prescribing me anymore pain meds. I was a little disappointed, but whatever. Then he went random superhero on me. "On people a little older than you, normally I'd leave the screws in there. But with you young guys, I like to get what doesn't belong in there outta there." No doc, I'm not following your theory there at all. Unless you intend to pay for the prom tickets so I can take your nurse to the 1993 prom that doesn't exist. He isn't.

He went on to warn me about how I can only use my toes to balance, and tell me why the screws are in there, and what can happen if I continue to try to walk without crutches. Basically, if I walk without crutches and add weight to my foot, I can break the screws and then they stay in there. So riddle me this: does breaking the screws add years to my life's age, since he won't take them out of me if they're broken and much the same as he won't take them out of the perceived elderly? Just a thought.

But that wasn't the worst of it. All of the nurses in the hospital, as well as all of the other previous ankle-seceeding-the-leg victims I'd spoken with, had said the phrase "6-8 weeks" like they knew this to be true as gospel. Foolish me hears it and believes this from the mouths who've seen or had legs in this condition to be true as gospel. What I learned yesterday is this form of gospel is incorrect.

"So," says the good doc, "we'll bring you back in next week. We'll get your cast off and take your stitches out and go from there. I know your operating physician likes to have the screws pulled in 6-8 weeks; however, I prefer to keep them in for 9-12. So we'll get the stitches out and get you in a smaller cast. Ok?" (It's worth noting that at first, when he said, "9-12", he didn't specify if that was days or weeks. This lead me to asking the dumbest question of the year in the dumbest way possible..."Days, right?"...like I was telling him how long I'd be keeping his nurse out on prom night but by asking with a time I knew he'd find unacceptable.)

Ok?? OK?!? Look, I knew he wasn't gonna wave a magic want over me while I staggered up from my chair and wobble-walked to the other side of the exam room while the theme to "Chariots Of Fire" (Youtube it) played through the office's overhead speakers. But damn. Common math tells me this:

12 > 8
9 > 6
6-8 weeks is 1.5-2 months
9-12 weeks is 2-3 months
That's a big difference. Especially when you consider the stairs I'm gonna have to climb.

Yeah, that made me not happy. No more good meds and the potential of an additional month of this madness. At least I made it home before the big snowfall, lest I got the urge to put a little weight on my non-bearing busted limb out of pure angst and spite.

So that's all I'm gonna say about that for a day or few. We'll see. Say, speaking of Buffalo people, I did get an email from Bonnie14222 wondering why I'm not signed up for the January edition of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  and to catch up a little bit. Well, I haven't totally convinced myself to stay out of the 30DBC any bit more than I can coerce myself into committing to it for another fun month. I've got a few days left to decide...the first big decision of 2013, where I can look back and say to myself, "Self, what were you thinkin' last year? " I'll sleep on it (more like I'll toss and turn over it) and get a solid answer out there soon.

Alright y'all...you've heard enough outta me, and my thumbs are gettin' sore. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm gonna use the Blackberry's copy/paste function, try to post this, get the error message that WDC can't store the item because my wi-fi's out, wave my phone around the room like I'm trying to fly with it in hopes that it can find the free wi-fi, notice the symbols telling me I have access, store this bastard entry, send that notice out to followers who get notifications from me that I have a new entry, eat one of those Little Debbie apple pies, and re-read this entry, stopping to edit any and all things that need to be corrected (probably every three minutes' worth of read text), watch some tv on dvd (just got through the first season of Modern Family...enjoyed it) and then do the tossing and turning I spoke of in the previous paragraph. Peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!