Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j

If you were to...unfinished

08-19-12 @ 12:41 am EDT

If you were to take a personal expression and transfer that piece of insight into a character, describe that character or have that character describe him/herself.

Again, I have written something and then adapted the If statement to fit the writing in order to expand upon it. What I have previously written is in brown What is newly written to cover the If Statement is in magenta


In a recent mail exchange, a wdc author expressed their disbelief that I, who am able to express myself so well, suffer from writer's block. I responded by explaining that my skills at self expression have improved over the years but the source from which I create has dwindled over time. This got me to thinking just when did that occur and now what can I do about it other than accept this crippling of self as a matter of unchangeable fact.

During October 2001 my security shattered and my stories I'd worked so freely on came to an immediate slow down. I lost touch with that place where my stories were flowing. the Archival well spring was no longer accessible. When that door shut tight against me, I no longer trusted my world; it wasn't safe to express my emotion even through my fiction; and my dream for becoming a published author suddenly became more difficult to obtain. I have fallen into a place where I no longer hear my muse. I think she has closed herself away from me. I have imagined that she was struck down by a falling concrete brick (you know the kind, the really heavy ones used as foundations for homes). My muse isn't dead, but I am no longer open to myself, therefore I'm not open to her. There is pain where love and trust once lived. I am not brave enough (and I can't seem to find the key in order to) open that door. I would rather feel numb than to feel the pain of my loss. So it becomes a choice to struggle with my writing self. Most times I choose to be crippled and avoid the hurt. So why do I insist on crying about it? Why don't I just set it aside and quit pushing? Well one, I am stubborn and two, if I quit pushing then I may as well roll over and die; therefore, I credit my survivior instinct to keep pushing and digging in the rubble in search for my injured muse. Writing is my passion, without the passion I have no reason to live. The brilliant colors of the spectrum fade to dull grays and black. So I push myself to get each printed word into a line on the paper. Maybe, I tell myself, I will reaccess my muse through finding trust and self love. And I ask myself: Why do I need to be co-dependent on what someone else feels about me to be able to create my alternate worlds freely? Upon reflection (many years of reflection) I know it isn't what she feels or doesn't feel for or about me which has crippled my writing. No, it is my co-dependency, my love I felt which is no longer healthy to feel which has shut me down in every aspect of my life where I once found safety and joy. Over the years I have been diluting that connection of the heart and in the meantime I have taken mail courses to improve my writing; purchased books to push through writer's block and improve on my weaker talents of punctuation, grammar, and tense continuity; read and reviewed WDC members works; and taken every opportunity to participate in the WDC NaNoMo challenges to push myself to write. I still place my "Butt In Chair" and write something (even drivel about why I'm unable to create anything at the moment). The result is I am still here on WDC and I am still reading and learning and someday I know I will conquer this debilitating condition and be able to write freely again.

Just sittin' and expressin' my self tonight with this bit of blog is proof that I am, if nothing else, determined.







Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.

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Murphy's law regarding Plot: Every Plot Starts to Go Wrong Just After the First Big Scene.