Standing up from Rock bottom

False start

19th of may 2007, that was going to be a big, HUGE, day for me...as my baby girl had just been born. I had been preparing for month's for her arrival and now she was finally here, but there was a problem, she was one week early and I was 5hours away from her. Yes, you guessed it, I was adopting. I didn't have children of my own and at the age of 26 I probably should have, but I wasn't ready. A couple had called my mother to ask her if she would have their unborn child but mum suggested that I think about it and offer myself up to take care of this unborn child. These parents already had 6 other children and didn't think they would cope with a seventh especially since number 6 was still a baby himself. Mum thought I would be a great mother because I had a background in early child care so she thought it was fitting to ask me to consider having a baby. (I never wanted children of my own, from the time I and all of my cousin's girls aand boys turned 15 all were having babies but I was selfish I didn't want to be a teen mum I wanted to drink and party and breath the air good and bad so I independently marched myself to my family GP and begged him to put me on the injection, he asked me 20 questions and I gave him 20 answers, in the end he concluded that the injection was a safe way to go. Had my mother known what I did she would have cried a thousand tears, because she desperately wished for a grandchild of her own after seeing all her brothers and sisters happy to become grandparents after getting over the initial shock that their teenagers were no longer 5years old she wanted to feel that too. Needless to say I stopped the injection when I turned 23 so mum never understood why I wasn't getting pregnant especially when I was in a relationship with my man for 6 years). Anyway, my baby was born...she was here...in the world and I couldn't wait to meet her, my baby girl. After all the preparation I went through, shopping, it was extremely hard work shopping for baby clothes, a cot, suitable carseats, itchy clothing, non itchy clothing choosing a milk formula, bottles, teats even, you name it I had it, well except for breast milk. Everything I needed for my baby I made sure I had available. A bunch of my work colleagues from childcare were over the moon for me and why not, I was going to have a baby. I took time off work and prepared to drive 5hours down to the Windy City. I couldn't wait and no sooner had I departed from my small town of Sulphur city I had blinked and missed the 5hour journey that I alone had just driven and was suddenly holding my daughter she was so tiny, as all newborns are, and she was all mine. The birth parents were happy to see that baby and I had formed an instant bond, however I sensed something bad was about to happen but that bad feeling dissolved when I looked at my now new beautiful little girl. She was so small and precious and I just couldn't stop adoring her I wanted to take her home as soon as possible but her nurse asked me if I would stay for a week so she could make sure that baby was healthy before our long journey back to Sulphur city so I stayed with the family for the week and in that time baby and I got used to each other, I fed her every 3 - 4 hours, changed her, bathed her, comforted her, talked to her and loved her and when the day came for us to finally leave the Windy city I was excited and over the moon to be taking her home. I loaded up the car and picked up my baby and said my goodbyes to everyone. I sent a mass text message to all my friends and family back in Sulphur city and advised them that we would be home by the end of the day, but as I walked out the door with my little girl cradled in my arms, her birth father turned away from me and spoke the words "I can't let you take her". I looked at him and waited for him to turn and look me in the eye... but he didn't... all he knew was that now... he wanted to keep the baby.. the baby that he was so willing to give up. In that entire week he had not touched her... he talked to her... but he had not held her... but I knew deep down he did love her. I asked him why he changed his mind and why he didn't tell me sooner... to save me the time and energy of coming there... still facing away from me he said that it was just how he felt, he had also decided that I would not be able to take care of a child, his child. I felt my body harden, my heart had momentarily stopped beating, there was an awkward silence, every emotion known to man had surfaced I was so angry I wanted to attack him, kill him. I calmly gathered my thoughts kissed the baby cradled in my arms and set her down on the bed I thanked his wife who had no idea what was happening. I thanked them both for having me in their home and bravely walked to my car without the baby. I sat in my car and prepared to make the wasted 5 hour journey back to Sulphur city, back home. When I left that driveway I could feel my hardened body shaking with so much agony that every fiber in my being...was crumbling, falling apart...my heart...was...shattered...my eyes...my eyes were so full of tears that I should have stopped driving but I couldn't...I couldn't stop...because I was heart broken...angry...and destroyed. I had never felt that kind of grief stricken pain before, not even for man, any man! For the first time in my life, I had experienced heartbreak. I drove for an hour as rivers were pouring out of my eyes, my body was shaking so much from the heartbreak that I almost lost control of the steering wheel I tried to calm down so that I could think and drive straight but I was almost hysterical. Then, as I was driving up a small hill...still in hysterics the car broke down, my vehicle had broken down an hour outside of the Windy city, at that very moment my phone started ringing, it was my mum checking to see that I and baby were safely on our way home. I wiped the tears off my face and tried to be calm and cool so I could muster up a word before answering finally I answered the phone mum's voice came through first "Hi honey, how's baby? whereabouts are you now and are you both okay" Those words made me want to cry some more but instead I got out of the car and started circling it to calm down now that the car had made the decision to just stop for me. "Hi mum, I'm coming home alone the father decided he wanted to keep baby...after 7 months of not wanting to keep her he's changed his mind oh and I can't take care of her". There was a pause on the phone, my mother is so super protective I knew exactly what she was about to say, seconds later mum's voice screamed through the phone "THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS, TREATING MY DAUGHTER THIS WAY!!!! NO-ONE GETS AWAY WITH HURTING MY DAUGHTER. ARE YOU OK HONEY? I'LL FIX THAT BASTARD" mum yelled, to that I replied "I'm okay mum, I've cried so much this last hour that I think my tear ducts are all dried up" Mum, "Okay sit tight and I'll figure out a way to come and get you". mum then asked me to hang up and she would call me back in 10minutes. While she did her thing back home I did my thing and text my close friends and family and advised them of my current situation, not just about the baby, but the broken down car too everybody text me back there love and support and sent me funny pictures and jokes to make me laugh while others gathered around the restaurant mum was working at making decisions on who's car would be best for the long trip and who would drive with mum and save me from my new hell. Meanwhile unbeknown to mum I already had a knight in shining armor on his way to save me from my hell. 10 minutes later mum called me back and told me she had called baby's parents and abused the father and told him if he knows what good for him that he will never return to Sulphur city, Sulphur city is his hometown it's where his entire family still live hence her threat. What she did didn't make me feel any better in fact it made me feel worse I told mum that James was on his way to get me and that I'd see her in the early hours of the morning I waited on the side of the road for what seemed like forever while everyone back in Sulphur city text me to keep me company. My car had broken down at 1pm and when my knight had arrived it was 7pm. I realized he had his 2 children in the van that's why he was an extra hour late. He jumped out of his van and ran straight to me and gave me the biggest hug that he could give. He wasn't my partner or my husband he was my best friends ex-husband and I was so thankful that he had offered to help me in my time of stranded grief as he had just gone through something similar and seeing a friendly face made me feel so much better, especially after the ordeal I had suffered 6hours earlier, he told me I would be fine and then he stood aside and there standing behind him was my mum and my big sister. I was so happy to see them James had stopped by mums job and picked them up to come and comfort me, my mother was so angry for me but I had cried enough tears in those hours that all I felt was numb! We reached Sulphur city at 2am somehow everyone including the kids had managed to stay awake all the way home but it was silent which I think is what I needed but didn't want at the time. I couldn't go home to my house and face my flatmates (my cousins) plus everything that I had bought over the last 7 months for this beautiful baby was a reminder of my broken heart and how much it destroyed me not to have her. Mum offered me my old bedroom but I didn't want to hear her bickering as that too was a reminder of the loss I had just gone through. My dear friend James... this gentle man...was living with his parents in their downstairs studio and he offered for me to come stay with him and his boys and his parents who lived up top in the main house I was hesitant because he was my best friends ex-husband, but I looked at my mother and thought about my room at home and all the things I had purchased and collected I jumped back in the van and went and stayed with James and his family minus my best-friend which was another 20 minute drive on the outskirts of Sulphur city on a beautiful lakes edge. Finally we arrived at his home he walked his two young boys inside and tucked them in their beds while I stayed outside looking at the stars and asking questions I could not get answers too. I was so tired and so disappointed James came outside and sat next to me he didn't say anything he simply wrapped one arm around me and sat with me in silence at that moment I felt comfort. James then stood up and helped guided me inside and we both went to bed. Yes we slept in the same bed but nothing happened sex wasn't going to fix my shattered heart plus I felt nothing...no pain, no joy, nothing...just empty due to my false start with the baby I didn't have.