My Blog

So Many Thoughts

Do you ever have days where your mind just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'm having one of those. So many thoughts just running rampant with me unable to get control of them.

Main thought: Why have I had so much trouble with men and relationships? I think I've figured it out at least to a certain extent.

When I was 16, I had some sexual experience, but not a whole lot yet. I met a nice 18 year old guy that my parents also happened to like. He lived about an hour and a half away in a town called Red Wing.

I actually officially dated him for a little while. I went to his high school prom with him. He took me to a movie. He came to a piano recital and an honors choir concert of mine.

We didn't have sex. We kissed and touched, but never crossed the line.

I thought I was doing things the right way. My parents certainly would have said so.

He "hated" my so-called best friend Sheila. She had grown up in foster care and my parent actually considered adopting her at one point. She was my age.

He called her a slut, loser, etc. She was no good.

Guess who he cheated on me with?

This has forever warped my view on sex and relationships. I see that now. I see it clearly.

So, if you put out on the first date, you're a slut.
If you take your time and build things slowly, the way they say you are supposed to....instead of a man talking to you about it, asking you if you're ready to take the next step, you can count on them to fuck the first easy slut that comes along and offers.

If you want a man to stick with you, be faithful to you, you'd better give him what he wants.

But, guess what? He won't ever truly respect you. He'll never fully trust you. He'll think you're easy. He'll think you're going to cheat on him if he isn't in the mood when you are. He will forever feel threatened by your high sex drive if he discovers he can't keep up.

So, how do you win?

How can I convince the man I love that I truly love him. I don't just want him because he's an amazing lover. I don't only call him cuz I'm horny. I don't go see him just to get multiple orgasms. I love him with all my heart, but how do I prove that? He's been hurt many times too. He has trust issues too. He knows me better than anyone and has seen me at my worst.

How do I convince him that my worst isn't who I really am? How do I explain that the only way I've ever known how to deal with heartache, rejection, pain, anger, disappointment, and frustration is to go out and get drunk and get laid?

How do I prove to him that I haven't been doing that anymore? I only want him. I only love him. I have loved him for almost as long as I've known him?

I haven't seen him since Friday, last talked to him Monday. Things are crazy right now and there's nothing we can really do about the obstacles thrown in our path. But...I've had offers, I've had opportunites. I've turned them down. I've walked away. I've refused to fall back into old, self-destructive patterns. I will wait. I want to wait. I have toys. I use them. He makes me happy.

Why is it so easy to say these things in writing, but so impossible to say them face to face?

I know, there is probably no easy answer. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing and hope he will see the truth in my eyes.

He says he loves my honesty, but yet I'm afraid to be completely honest. What if he still doesn't believe me?

I'm not giving up. I will never give up. I will keep being me, keep trying, keep giving him love, affection, honesty and me.