My Blog

I Wish My Exes lived in Texas

I really don't get men sometimes. I was walking home from a wonderful night with the man I love when my ex-boyfriend, Jay, started texting me. He was going on about "reliving old times" and tried to bribe me into giving him a blow job for 100 dollars. Don't get me wrong, I am on an extremely tight budget, so that was a little bit tempting, but NO. I am not going back to old, self-destructive behaviors. My life has finally gotten to a point where I'm happy...yes, things are tough and I don't get to see my sweetie as often as I'd like, but when I do, it's amazingly wonderful and having to wait a few days, sometimes, makes it all the sweeter. Anticipation and all that.

So, anyway...Jay kept texting me and I finally told him that I had just had 5 hours of great sex and was tired and going home to bed. He wanted to drop by after work at like 2 A.M. I told him NO. DO NOT stop by.

So, what does he do a little after 2 AM while I'm asleep? Calls over and over...which I ignored. Texts a few times, which I ignored. Rings my fucking doorbell 3 times.

My roommate's boyfriend, Eli, woke me up to tell me Jay was downstairs at the door. I told Eli to tell him that he tried to wake me but couldn't.

I'm not the person I used to be. I don't like the person I used to be. I did a lot of stupid, crazy shit last year when I was extremely depressed, lonely, hurt and angry by the way my husband was treating me. I felt worthless and miserable because of him. It made me do things I'm really not proud of now.

If it wasn't for my best friend/former lover/current lover, I would never have made it through this last year, I wouldn't have had the strength to divorce an abusive husband, I would have no self-confidence and no self-esteem. Now that I have those things, I don't need casual sex. I don't need to debase myself for cash. Yeah, I could use the cash, but I'd rather be broke and eat ramen noodles. That's the truth.

More than anything, I want the man I love to see that I've really changed. That I'm not the person I was last year. I want him to trust me and respect me. I don't want to do ANYTHING that might cause him to stop wanting me, stop caring about me, stop wanting to be with me. Losing him would be a nightmare. I can't stand that thought, it scares the living hell out of me.

My daughter's father keeps bugging me, too. He's asked me to go out on dates. I'm not stupid enough to believe that he wants to date. I believe he is lonely and horny and, like most men, thinks that if he acts all sweet and nice and takes me on dates, I will think he has changed and give him another chance. Yeah right. There is only one man that I'd go on a date with.

And, finally, my ex-husband, Scott. He still calls me at least once a day, sometimes twice. At least he's let up a little bit. For awhile he was calling me 5 or more times a day. He keeps telling me how much he misses me. How I'm the love of his life and he doesn't want anyone else. We are legally divorced now. It finally made the newspaper yesterday after a month. I will never trust him again. I don't know what to say to him at this point. He talks about how depressed he is and how he thinks about walking off the bridge.

I know it's emotional manipulation, because my ex-boyfriend Joe did the same shit. Unfortunately, Joe actually did kill himself by overdosing on all his prescriptions. The night before that happened, he had been talking about dying and had played the song, "If I Die Tomorrow" by Motley Crue for me, insisting I had to hear the song THAT NIGHT. But, he had been acting like that a lot over the year after I dumped him for Scott, and I didn't take him seriously. So, now, I really want to tell Scott to leave me alone and never bother me again. I want to tell him that I'm in love with someone else, someone I've loved for years, long before I met him. That I will never trust him again after all the times he has hurt me and abused me over the past 8 years. But, I'm afraid I'll push him over the edge like I did to Joe and I don't need more guilt.

So, yeah, I'm happier now than I've ever been, but I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck, too. I love someone that I'm not 100% sure of how he feels and I am scared to death that I'll fuck it up again.

My exes are emotionally draining me as well. Why do they have to keep bothering me? I just want them to leave me alone so I can just try to be happy. That's all I want.