Bloggin' Umholtz

Nobody Panic!!!

To Who; Whom; Whomever It May Or May Not Concern,


Linda and I are weathering (hey, I made a punny) this hurricane quite well. In anticipation of the oncoming storm Linda and I went to C'dale yesterday. I nailed the garbage cans to the side of the house so they wouldn't blow away and being the Thinker that I am I took my trusty chainsaw and cut down every tree and shrub within three hundred ft. of the house. True, I had to cut down several trees on the neighbor's property to accomplish the 300 ft, but I'm happy to say, that the neighbors were very appreciative. While I couldn't hear what they were saying over the noise of the saw, I did notice a number of them, through the astute use of sign language, said I was Number One. When the sawdust all settled, 17 trees lay on the ground, two fences had new entry points and there was one cracked windshield, but hey, it wasn't on the driver's side so no harm no foul.

Back here in H'burg, in anticipation of this storm proper preparations were made several days ago. Taking a lesson from our friends in New Orleans I cut a hole in the roof so that we could climb out when the floodwaters arrived. And knowing full well that paint doesn't stick to wet shingles I painted the word HELP! on the roof in six foot letters. In afterthought I walked over to the neighbor's side of the building and cut a hole for his family also. I felt I needed to paint something on his side of the roof so I painted the word ME. True, it now reads ME HELP! but I can always hope for a dyslexic helicopter pilot. Linda just told me that somebody added the word NEED between ME and HELP with an arrow pointing towards our half of the building. Obviously a student of proper grammar.It does the heart good to see the attention to detail.

Further preparations included loading the boat with all the necessary survival tools. Boy I sure am glad we get the Discovery Channel. Currently Linda and I are sitting in the boat as the rain pelts down and the wind blows. We each have our lifejackets on and I am wearing my WW II Infantryman's helmet. (Safety is no accident) Linda thinks the helmet is a bit much. "After all" she said, "What possible harm could come from YOU getting hit in the head...again." For those of you who watch "Say Yes To The Dress, Linda's lifejacket is a self inflating light pink with yellow highlights to match her golden hair. It comes complete with a waist cinching pearl studded belt and has an over the shoulder neck piece that modestly enhances , when inflated, the subtle curves of....well you get it. I of course am wearing my matching yellow and pink polkadot inflatable duck ring, complete with a quacker whistle. We are surrounded by a case of Twizzlers, two Coleman lanterns and and a stove. We each have three pair of clean underwear and of course all the fishing gear. Several weapons, including the crossbow are included. I mounted the crossbow in the bow of the boat on the camera tripod, so we now have a bow gun! (I made another punny! he, he, he.) Since you can't just live on Twizzlers...hmmm, I'm not entirely sure about that, but just in case we've also included two cases of Ramen Noodle soup, 150 lb. of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (Yummm!) and, be still my beating heart, 14 cases of Yoo-Hoo. Yahoo!!!

I've also tethered the outdoor grill to the boat. I know what you're thinking, "the grill will sink!" Not so, Oh befuddled ones. I filled it with spray foam insulation, making it, in effect, a dingy. At least that's what the neighbor called it. I'm pretty sure that's what he was referring to when he shouted above the high wind. I caught the words, "that man's dingy!" Surely, what he actually said was "Look at that man's dingy!" And since my zipper was up I know he was referring to the grill.

The plan is, when the flood waters start lapping against the garage door, Linda and I will open it, fire up the boat motor and glide right out of the gay-rauge. Once free of our moorings we will set a course for Richmond VA, site of the recent major, major earthquake that was felt by exactly two people and apparently one dog (I suspect it was just fleas.). Once at Richmond we will take pause and reconnoiter our surroundings. From there we expect to head farther south until we are able to round the isthmus of Florida. After several rounds of Margaritas in Margaritaville as we wait out the buffeting (wait for it) winds (Punny, Punny, Punny) we will set a crooked/straight course for the Isle of Denver Co. Expect to arrive there, out of twizzlers and macaroni, but I suspect we will have Ramen Noodle soup left. It goes without saying we will be Hoo-less by then also.

Of course we will be videotaping our whole survival experience and you will be able to view it on Discovery at some future date, assuming we are able to arrive at an acceptable agreement. Some of our conditions include, no enemas, no pee drinking, no bug eating, (unless well cooked) no swimming with man-eating reptiles, no poisonous snakes...and the list goes on. Don't worry, after we become famous, we promise to remember all you little people.

P.S. Linda asked me to tell you that I'm off my meds again. She's so funny. ( I like the pink pills best)