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ROE 2: Article #2 - O-bitch-uary

PROMPT: Obituary that subtly reveals what a creep the deceased was


O-BITCH-UARY

Late Tuesday night, Herman Jenkins passed from this world to the next, as the result of complications from surgery. He was 91 years young.

Herman was born in Poughkeepsie, New York, to loving parents who tried to instill in their son the same qualities they had been raised with, such as honor, kindness, and respect for their fellow man. Herman left home at his earliest opportunity, enlisting in the U.S. Army where he served as a Corporal. He had high hopes for a career with the Army, but was eventually discharged after being embroiled in a narcotics and sex trafficking sting, which Herman maintains was undertaken as part of a classified, high-level assignment. He eventually settled into civilian life as the owner and operator of a successful nightclub called the Silver Fox Lounge.

In 1941, he married the love of his life, Estelle. The two had no children, due to Herman’s duties and interests requiring him to be away from home most days and many nights. They both retired in 1979 and bought a small home in Las Vegas, in order to be closer to the other loves in Herman’s life: playing cards and loose slots.

During the last thirty years living in suburban Las Vegas, Herman was well known around their neighborhood. Few men leave impressions as strongly as Herman, who among his other activities was known for implementing his community’s neighborhood watch program. As its first and only member, Herman shouldered the burden of reporting people with overgrown lawns, encroaching hedges, too many cars parked on the street, and leaving holiday lights up well into January. He will surely be remembered for his diligent watchfulness, his astute and inflexible adherence to any and all rules – no matter how mundane – and the strength of his convictions, which he made known at every available opportunity.

Estelle will always remember her husband as an unwavering patriot. Herman was fiercely proud of his country, and let nary an infraction pass without reporting it to the proper authorities. The local Las Vegas Police Department and Sheriff’s Office were well acquainted with Herman, and will certainly miss his frequent phone tips and Good Samaritan reporting. Thanks to his wary eye, the local landscaping and service industries will think twice before hiring or harboring workers that are in the country illegally, and people will never again operate home businesses without the express written permission of their Homeowner’s Association.

Herman Jenkins is survived by his long-suffering wife Estelle, who asks that in lieu of flowers, donations be made in Herman’s name to your local Spouses of Sex Addicts group.