Bloggin' Umholtz

Little Jim's Family Christmas

Note: At this time of year many families send out annual letters to update family and friends of the past years events. While some people view them as nothing more than a way to brag about successes and children, they are a very efficient way of updating people all at once. Not as good as a blog, mind you. But not bad. So with that thought in mind I give you an update on Little Jim’s life, which I guess in a way could be called bragging, after all there is the jail thing. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Little Jim and his friends, I suggest you check out his folder in my portfolio. For those of you that are familiar, you will recognize certain traits that Little Jim just can’t seem to shake, i.e., the jail thing. So I give you...

Little Jim’s Family Christmas letter 2010

“Joe?”

“Yeah, Little Jim.”

“I’ve got a problem. The Missus says we’ve got to do one of those family Christmas newsletters.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Well, I haven’t a clue what to write. I’m not the writer around here. You are. You couldn’t maybe take time from your busy schedule and help me out could you?” Jim waited patiently while Joe pulled the newspaper from his face and sat up in his recliner.

“Jim, I’m rather busy right now. Lot of projects I’m working on. The wife says I’ve got to hang the Christmas wreath on the door and get a tree.I don’t see how I could...”

“Tell you what Joe, I’ll help you out and you help me. How’s that?”

“Well...okay, I guess. You go get me a tree and I’ll start on your newsletter.”

“Sounds good, Joe. Thanks!’ Little Jim headed for the door as Joe settled back in his recliner and pulled the newspaper back up over his head. Time for research, he thought.

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2010 was an incredibly good year for Little Jim and the Missus. Last April Little Jim quit his job of 25 years down at the mill because he just couldn’t seem to keep his mind on running the press being as it was gettin’ close to trout season and all.

At the end of April Little Jim celebrated four straight months without having to call Joe to post bail down at the county Jail. The boy’s at Moe’s got to talkin and they all figured that was a record...or at least the first time Jim has gone four months without getting arrested since 1972 and that was only because he was playing miniature golf on the professional circuit back then and the windmill conked him in the head and put him in a comma for six months. No, it really was a comma.

In May, Little Jim and the Missus, much to the surprise of pretty much all that know Little Jim, celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. The local woman’s gardening club at the urging of Mrs. Martin and her dog Penelope gave the Missus an anniversary present of a three day cruise...alone.

In June, Little Jim’s dog Mortimer was served with puppy support papers for an alleged dalliance he had with a local hound dog named Elvira. Since Mortimer is a St Bernard the judge continued the case until such time as the DNA evidence is submitted. Mortimer doesn’t seem much concerned and still shows up to court Mrs. Martin’s dog Penelope, a miniature poodle.

In July while walleye fishing on Crotch Lake, Little Jim caught what most people around here believe to be the largest carp ever to come out of that lake. The actual ruling is still pending due to suspicious propeller like marks on the fish. Little Jim steadfastly denies any knowledge of the alleged marks.

In Sept, Little Jim and the Missus celebrated their May anniversary by going fishing at Miller’s pond. Little Jim swears he didn’t push her from the boat but whatever happened, the Missus has some serious doubts about celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary.

In October, Little Jim and the boys down at Moe’s organized the Veteran’s Day parade. Normally this parade would be held in November on Veteran’s Day, but after some heated discussion and several bottles of Yoo-Hoo it was decided that because of conflicts with hunting season and the fall walleye bite it would be better to hold the parade in October since duck season wasn’t real big around here.

Somewhere during the year Little Jim got another job. After about a month the company decided to pay him to stay home and wait for the phone to ring. He did. It didn’t. Everything seems fine except the walleye population appears to have taken a severe hit.

In December Little Jim dressed up as Santa for the kids down at local youth center as he does every year. This year the Missus joined him as Missus Claus and Moe from down at Moe’s Fine Eatery dressed as one of the elves. Yoo-Hoo was enjoyed by all.

That pretty much sums up the year for Little Jim and the Missus... as long as we don’t count the required visit to the local psychiatrist. Don’t ask. Suffice it to say the therapist refused to see him again and retired shortly thereafter.

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Epilogue: Little Jim made good on the Christmas tree, complete with decorations which on the face of things seemed a good thing...at least until the cops showed up and demanded to know how Joe ended up with the Christmas tree from the Borough building. And so went Little Jim’s chance for staying out of jail for all of 2010. It also meant Joe needed to bail him out so he could make Mortimer’s court date.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!