Outrunning Shadows

Chapter 16: The Outing Confession

Chapter 16 – The Coming Out Story





The 4th of July came and went. That Saturday, Andrew decided that he had to tell Evan that Betty, Darcy, Amanda, and Mr. Jacobs knew about them or he would burst. His timing could not have been worse. They were on their way to Columbia late that afternoon.


“Evan, there is something I want to tell you.”


“Okay.” He said tentatively, he could sense that it was going to be something bad.


“Evan, the people at work found out about us. They found out about you and me being involved.”


Evan was silent as the landscape sped by.


“Say something.” Andrew said, “Don’t just sit there.”


“Take me home.” His voice was shaky- not from anger but from panic.


“Evan, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”


“Take me home, please.”


“Evan, please don’t be mad.” Andrew said as he pulled over to turn around.


“I said, take me home.” Evan’s voice was forceful, but still quivering.


“Amanda has been a friend of mine since high school. I was on the varsity baseball team with Betty’s husband. You told three of the biggest gossips in training that I’m a faggot? Why don’t you just shoot me now and save their redneck relatives the trouble.”


“I didn’t mean for it…” As his car picked up speed headed toward home.


“I don’t want to hear it. Take me home. Their reputations will skyrocket once this gets out.”


“I’m so sorry. They promised me they wouldn’t tell.”


“Yeah right. And you! Sorry? You’re sorry?” Evan was yelling now. “How could you do this to me, Andrew? If you love me as much as you say you do, how could you betray me like this? I trusted you.” The emotion grew in his voice.


“Evan, I don’t know what….”


“Just shut-up. I don’t want to hear it.”


Evan was scared, ashamed, and hurt all at the same time. People get killed for stuff like this. He didn’t know if he’d be able to live here anymore if this got around. The more he thought about it, the more scared and betrayed he felt. Andrew obviously didn’t care enough about him to keep his mouth shut. His mind was racing faster than the pine trees outside the car window.


By the time he got home, his emotions had gotten away with him and there were tears in his eyes, but he managed to keep them away. His mind filled with the images of rejection and hatred that he had dreaded all his life. The instant the Pathfinder stopped, Evan threw open his door and got out. Without another word, he slammed the door and walked up towards his house.


He threw open the door, the slammed it behind himself as hard as he could. Dora and Myrtle had been sitting in the living room talking.


“What’s the matter?” Myrtle called out.


“I don’t want to talk about it,” He choked out. He was already running full tilt up the stairs. Myrtle glanced out the window just in time to see Andrew driving away.


Andrew parked and went inside his house. He made it to the front foyer before losing it. He hated himself for betraying Evan like that. He didn’t know what he’d do if something actually did happen to Evan. He didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself if Evan felt like he couldn’t live here anymore.


He was standing in the front foyer with the tears streaming down his face. He wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and looked around. Movement outside the window caught his blurred eyes. Engrid was marching across the lawn in his direction. She didn’t bother knocking or ringing the doorbell, she just opened the door and walked right in.


“What is going on?” She demanded.


“Nothing.” He wiped away tears with the back of his hand.


“Andrew Garrison, don’t you dare lie to me. What happened with you and Evan?”


“Nothing.”


“You are lying. Myrtle just called. Evan got out of your car, ran up to his room and is, as we speak, face down on his bed bawling his eyes out into his pillow and you aren’t exactly dry eyed yourself, now what in the Sam hill happened?


“Get out of my house you nosy old bag.” Andrew stomped towards the stairs.


“Yes, I am a nosy old bag. You’re right. But I’m not doing this because I’m just being nosy. I’m doing this because I’m scared.”


“Of what?”


“You don’t seem like the type and I know Evan isn’t the type to get upset about anything. The fact that both of you are crying tells me that something terrible has happened. The fact that you won’t tell me what it is tells me that I had something to do with it. Do I? Was it something I did?”


“No.”


“Is it something that you think I would be upset if I found out?”


After a moment’s hesitation, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”


She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the kitchen. “Let me get you cleaned up. You look like you just got dumped,” she said as she pulled a tissue out of the box to wipe his eyes and nose with.


He snatched his arm free. “I can clean up myself.”


“Sit down,” she commanded and he obeyed.


“You just don’t get it do you?” She asked as she dabbed his eyes with the tissue.


“Get what?”


“This is what living in community and family is all about- being there for each other. It means standing up for each other. And sometimes it means standing up to each other. I’m trying to be here for you if you’ll let me you stubborn old fool. You said you wanted to be part of this community and this place. Well, this is how community and family get built. Some crisis comes along and that teaches you who your true friends are. I may be a stubborn old fool myself, but I can see that you need someone right now and that someone is me.”


“If you want to be there for somebody, go be there for Evan.”


“Evan’s got his mother and Dora over there. He’s got as much consoling as he can stand. If you haven’t noticed, you don’t have anybody- except me. Myrtle didn’t send me over here to find out what happened. She sent me over here to make sure you’re okay.”


Andrew turned his head away.


“Whatever happened,” She said, “I’m here for you.”


He got up and stormed out of the kitchen and went upstairs. Engrid sat down at the table and put her hands out in front of her. She wasn’t sure what to do next. A few minutes passed.


Andrew was laying face down on his bed crying into his pillow. Engrid was standing in the open door way behind him. She walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down. She put her hand on his shoulder.


“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. I can see it in your eyes.”


“What?” He said turning his face to the side so he could speak.


“Your eyes tell me everything I need to know.”


“What do you mean?”


“You are in love with Evan, aren’t you? And, judging from his reaction, he’s in love with you. You did something to hurt him, now it’s killing you both.”


“How did you know?” He rolled over and looked up at her.


“Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”


He looked up at her. He didn’t see the angry, disapproving face he’d expected to see when Engrid found out about him and Evan.


“I know. How did you know? Did Dora tell you?”


“Dora? No, Dora hasn’t said anything to me about it. Why would Dora know?”


“Nothing. Never mind. How did you know?”


“Some things, you just can tell. I don’t know exactly how I knew, I just did.”


“You sensed it?” He wiped his eyes with his shirt sleeve.


“In a manner of speaking, I suppose I did. Evan made a good show of not liking you. But, when he talked about you, he couldn’t help but smile a little- just a little smirk, but enough to give him away.”


Andrew smiled a little to himself. “I’m sorry I lied to you before.”


“It’s okay. I understand why you did.”


“So you’re not angry about all of this?”


“No, Andrew, I’m not angry. Disappointed? A little. Upset? Yes.”


“But you don’t like gay people?”


“Who on earth told you that? I just don’t understand it.”


“I don’t know? I guess I just assumed?”


“You took one look at me and decided I was a narrow minded bigot?” She looked at him, she was teasing, but it had an edge.


“But you’re not?”


“I used to be. I used to hate gay people. I thought they were the most evil, immoral people on the face of the planet. They wouldn’t be satisfied until they destroyed every speck of decency and destroyed the civilized world.”


“Why?”


“That is a complicated story. That’s just what I was taught as a child. I guess I was being simple minded. You see, Andrew, we come from two very different worlds. I grew up in the 1920's and 30's and you grew up in the 1980's and 90's. When I was growing up, gays were seen as evil, dirty, irreligious, irresponsible and immoral. Basically, gays represented everything that was wrong or bad about the world and opposed everything that was good or right about the world. We had religious people telling us they were God forsaken people who had a one way ticket to Hell; we had political people telling us they were hedonistic and would cause the downfall of America.”


“It's not true.”


“I know that. In my heart at least, but when you've heard something over and over again for 8 decades, you tend to start believing it. I guess I just want to do the right thing. But, everyone believes that they're doing the right thing. Shoot, even the Nazi’s believed they were doing the right thing. You see, the world was never simple, but we used to have answers. They're used to be someone who told us what was right and what was wrong. We may not have always agreed with it, but they were in charge and so we went along with it because that was the way it was supposed to be.”


“Why?" Andrew suddenly felt like a 2-year-old. He sat up on the bed.


“We didn't know what else to do. There wasn’t a precedent for anything else. I was the first in my family to go to college. I was the first to have a career outside of the home. I was the headmistress at a boarding school of a few years. As a woman who graduated college in 1938, I know what it feels like to be treated like a foreigner in your own family. To have people snub you because you're different. They did that to me because I 'made something of myself' and they didn't so they were a tinge jealous. The terms and feelings are different in your case, but the force of ‘you’re not like us anymore’ is the same.


He didn't say anything.


“And…growing up, we were warned against those who would try to change our minds- those who would try to ‘subvert our truthful understanding.’ I can’t tell you how many preachers on the radio would talk about not letting anyone lead you off the right path and so forth and all. So, when people talk to me about things like this, I hear those old ghosts from my past rattling around in this dusty old brain of mine and think- uh-oh, the evil subverters are here just like reverend so and so said they would.”


“What changed your mind?”


“A lot of things, I guess. I guess the big thing was that I met one. I haven’t met many gay people in my lifetime. Then there was the whole thing with Morgan and Nathaniel. I know you remember us talking about them. I saw what they went through. Now, I see what you and Evan have been going through. I don’t know. It’s just different now. It’s not as easy to hate gay people when ‘gay people’ has become Evan and Andrew who I love like my own grandchildren.”


Andrew just leaned over and wrapped his arms around Engrid. She returned his hug. She could see the pain he was in.


“But the Bible says it’s wrong, doesn’t it?”


“The Bible says a lot of things. If the Bible got its way all the time, I’d sit in church with a hat on and my mouth shut. You can imagine about how long that would last. But, you’re right. It does say that. I don’t know what to do about that. After Morgan, I’ve read those passages over and over again and some of them seem pretty clear to me.”


“What do you think then?” He asked. He knew it was a dangerous question, but he had to know.


“I don’t know. That’s what I think. There’s a lot of things in this old world that I don’t understand, and that’s one of them. That, UFO’s and poltergeists. I don’t really understand any of it.”


They both smiled.


“Let’s go back to my house and we’ll fix a sandwich.” Engrid said.


“You feed me enough. It’s my turn.”


“Okay,” She patted him on his knee and stood up.


That had gone remarkably better than Andrew had feared. As they were sitting at the table munching on their pimento cheese, he was curious.


“Engrid, what did you feel when you found out about Morgan?”


“I was angry. I didn’t understand. I still don’t, but when I saw them together, I realized that they weren’t gay just to make me mad. I could tell that they loved each other. I never thought I’d live to see it. I really didn’t.”


“What did you say to them?”


“Not much. People who hate you are like attack dogs…it’s the ones you don’t hear coming that get you. But, it’s been almost twelve years since I found out about them and it’s been almost ten since they left. See, Morgan is a good bit older than you and a little older than Evan. I’ve changed a lot since then.”


“Why?”


“Well, like I’ve said, I’ve got family in the San Francisco area and then visiting Evan in New York, I saw things I thought I’d never live to see. A couple of times, I even saw men kissing. The first time I saw it, I nearly passed out right there on the spot. How could they do something that disgusting and perverse? Then something dawned on me.”


“What’s that?”


“I envied them.”


Andrew looked quizzical. “What on earth for?”


“They were free. In a way I never could be. My husband and I never even held hands outside the confines of our own house.”


“I could never do that here.”


“No, you can’t. That much is true, but I think you’ve got something you need to do.”


“What’s that?”


“You need to decide about Evan.”


“I love him so much. I know we just met, but I know I love him.”


“I know you do. May I use your phone?”


“Yeah, why?”


“I need to make a call.” She walked over to the phone on the wall and dialed a number. “Hello, Myrtle? Has Evan said anything about why he’s upset? Uh-huh. I see. Do you think Evan could have a visitor? I know he’s upset, but maybe I can help. I don’t know about that. Well, I could try. Uh-huh. Well, I think this would help. It’s Andrew. I think Andrew might be able to help. Go ask him.” A few seconds passed. “Yes, I’m still here. I know. I don’t know, maybe. We’ll be there in a minute.”


She hung up the phone, “We’re going over to Evan’s.”


“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”


“It’s a terrible idea but it’s the best we’ve got.”


Andrew slowly got up from the table. Engrid looked worried. Andrew realized that not even the elderly have all the answers. Engrid didn’t know if she was about to help the situation, or make it irreparably worse.


“Are you sure about this? What am I supposed to say?” He asked as they walked toward the door.


“I honestly don’t know. I don’t have the answers, Andrew. I never did. But, I think you and Evan need to talk it over and then come talk to us. I can’t talk to Myrtle until I know she knows. I’m no good at secrets. I don’t know what to do about Dora.”


“Dora already knows. Dora’s known for a couple of weeks.”


Engrid looked confused.


“She caught us kissing on the couch one night.”


“Oh.” Engrid kept walking toward the door.


They got in Andrew’s Pathfinder and drove down to Myrtle’s house and parked on the street out front.


“Come in,” Myrtle said, opening the door.


Andrew walked in and went up the stairs. Engrid and Myrtle joined Dora in the living room.


“I just don’t know what’s going on,” Myrtle said.


Engrid knew Dora knew and Dora figured that Engrid now knew, but neither was going to say anything to Myrtle about it. They knew that it wasn’t their secret to tell.


“Maybe when the boys come down, they can explain,” Dora offered.


“That’s right,” Engrid chimed in with an obviously contrived cheerfulness, “I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this.”


“I hope so, but I’m afraid to find out what it is.”


The three women sat quietly, a nervous tension like no other filled the room. A few eternal minutes passed, they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Andrew and Evan stood in the doorway. They came in and sat next to one another on the couch facing the three women.


“Mom,” Evan began, “There’s something you should know. I don’t know how, there’s no easy way, but I have to tell you. Mom, I’m gay.”


All breathing in the room ceased…total silence. Engrid and Dora sat with their eyes moving back and forth between the two entities. Engrid went over and sat on the loveseat beside Myrtle and patted her on the knee. Myrtle swatted it away. Engrid drew it back and moved a little further away. This was going to be worse than she’d feared. Dora went and sat on the couch by Evan and wrapped her arm around his shoulder and put her hand on Andrew’s back.


“Mom, please say something.” Evan said- the panic rising in his throat.


She looked up at her son. “There’s not much else to say.”


Everyone looked confused.


She sat up straight in her chair and said, “Son, you know how I feel about this. You cannot stay here. Please leave.”


“Mom, please don’t.”


The eruption came, “I said leave,” she stood, “And you are NOT to see HIM again.” She pointed an accusing finger at Andrew. “How could you do this?” She asked Andrew. “He is my only son, how could you do this to me?”


“Dora, Engrid, you knew and you didn’t say anything?” She wasn’t finished. “Evan, I raised you better than this. I have worked all my life to give you everything you needed and this is it? What you want is HIM?”


“Mom, it’s not like that!”


“Don’t talk to me. Don’t you ever speak to me!” She turned and ran from the room. Her crying turned to howling as she made her way up the stairs. Engrid followed. “Get out of my house!” reverberated through the house. Evan wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or Engrid. “How could you?” Myrtle screeched, “Engrid, how could you?”


“Andrew just told me less than a half hour ago, so don’t you be yelling at me.”


“Get out!” Myrtle yelled from the hallway. Then she reappeared in the doorway of the living room. Andrew, Evan, and Dora were still seated on the couch- all three looked up.


“Evan, you are never to live with this…this…animal.” She looked at Andrew in disgust. Then she slapped his face and kicked his knee. Evan stood up.


“Don’t you hit him, mother. He hasn’t done anything to you. You want to hit somebody? Hit me.”


She slapped him too, then turned and left the room. She bumped into Engrid as she left the room. Engrid looked in on them and then down the hall at Myrtle’s retreating figure. She came in and sat down next to Andrew.


“She’s gonna need some time,” Engrid said, “She’ll be okay, she just needs some time, that’s all.” Engrid sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else. “Evan, you and Andrew moving in together is probably not the best idea right now, but you’re more than welcome to stay with me for a while. Until you can get another job and find a place.”


“That’s okay, Engrid, I’ve got plenty of money I’ll be fine.”


“Good. But, the invitation is still open to you.”


“Thanks, but I need to be alone for a while.” He stood up, “I guess I need to pack.”


Dora said, “You might just want to get a few things for a couple of days, I don’t know if packing is a good idea. Maybe once she’s calmer, she’ll change her mind and you won’t have to.”


“No, I’m 27; I need to be on my own again. I can’t live with my mom forever.”


Evan went upstairs to get a few things while the others waited in the living room. When he got back down, Andrew met him in the living room doorway. Evan stood looking at him for a second. Andrew reached out and wrapped his arms around Evan. They broke their embrace.


“You’d better go,” Evan said to him, “I’ll call you later.”


Andrew left and Evan turned to face Engrid and Dora who were still sitting on the couch. “Thank you. Both of you.”


“Where are you going?” Dora asked.


“I’m going to a motel for a few days. I need to be by myself for a while. Then I’ll stay with some friends.”


“I think you’d be better off staying with me. We need to talk to someone about this.” Engrid said.


“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Evan said, “I think I need to be alone for a while.”


“Okay. But when you’re done licking your wounds, my door is always open.” Engrid said.


“Mine too,” Dora said with a smirk, “If she gets to be too much for you.”


“I need to go,” Evan said turning to leave the house.


After he was gone, Engrid and Dora trudged up the stairs. Evan and Andrew were done and finished, but they had work yet to do. Helping people pick up the pieces of their shattered lives after a personal calamity was a specialty of theirs. It comes from surviving personal tragedy time and again themselves.


Myrtle was sitting in a chair by the window. The two ladies stood in the doorway.


Dora tapped lightly on the doorframe. “May we come in?”


“No.” Myrtle turned away from them. “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.”


“I know it hurts,” Engrid said, “But we’ll be here for you.”


“You’ll be there for them. You two are traitors. Get out of my sight.”


“We’re taking care of people we love. There’s nothing traitorous about that.” Dora said, “And we care about you too.” They edged a little closer


“Why would he do this to me? After all I’ve done for him.”


“He didn’t mean for any of this to happen. He has struggled with this every bit as much as you’re struggling right now.” Engrid said as they sat on the edge of the bed.


“But why Engrid? Didn’t I love him enough? Did I love him too much? What did I do wrong?”


“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dora assured her, “Sometimes, these things just happen. No one knows why. You didn’t do anything wrong. Evan is still your son and he always will be. You raised him to be a beautiful, caring, intelligent person. Millions of mothers would kill to have a son like him.”


“That’s right. Please don’t throw that away. I know you are angry and hurt and scared, but it really will be okay. Tomorrow the sun will come up, it will be a scorching July day and you will go about your business. Slowly, things will get better.”


“Things will never be back to normal.”


“It may be a different normal, but things will settle down.” Engrid said.


They talked for a few more minutes, and then they decided that they really should leave her alone and let her think things through on her own.