Personal Journal

Entry 300!

Most of the time I write my journal entries public, though several over the years have been private. Counting them all, this is journal Number 300! And I feel a little bit good about that. I'm glad I came back here. I'm glad I'm writing, even though it's infrequent and short, and my life isn't a plethora of negative currents. Since I decided, "to listen to the universe and grow in the direction it's taking me," a few weeks ago, I really am better off than I've been in quite some time.

I've figured out some things about me, that I'm going to announce briefly:

1) My need for external validation is a trait of narcissism, and Facebook is the crack-cocaine of narcissists.
I gave up Facebook in the airport coming home from Detroit about 5 weeks ago. My life has been better ever since.

2) Nothing makes me feel more in control of my life than managing my weight at a level that is normal
There was this common thread in the really shitty part of my previous year and it was how fat I'd become. I got to 267 at one point. Bear in mind that last spring I was 244, and in 2008 after the Rachelle breakup I was 222. I can't really say that I don't know how that happened, but I can say that I don't know WHY it happened. Looking back on it, I'm really confused how it is I let myself eat so many calories (and drink - sodas are a weakness of mine).

I guess it had been a really long time since I'd let my weight get out of control. And I never understood how important my sense of personal strength (not just physical, but whole being strength) comes from having a body that is trim and from knowing through exercise that I am in very good (if not competetive) physical condition.

I don't know what changed within me with buying this road bike this year, but I've embraced road riding like I never anticipated that I would, and I've had a commitment to it that hasn't faltered, and that didn't take much discipline to uphold (I like to ride, so I do it; I like to be losing weight, so I ride). I don't know how much weight I've lost, because I haven't weighed myself since 267. And now that I have lost about 2 inches off my waist (based on belts and clothing fit), I've decided to take my wife's advice, and simply continue not weighing myself.

There are big differences in my life now versus 6 months ago. And my weight is bringing me satisfaction that basically nothing else is in my life. I hope I always remember this. I hope I am fortunate to continue to have a level of health that permits me to exercise with great vigor and frequency. I never knew how important that was to me. I must not let this get out of control again.

And knowing that life can change in an instant, I wonder what I will do if I ever lose the level of health I need to ride...

3) I have to shut my mind off to be content
I do.

Maybe if I'm alone, it's not as much the case. But I've got to shut my brain off and stop thinking in order to relax. Biking = brain shut down. Playing a good video game = brain shut down (while problem solving even!). There are a great many things I can do to shut my brain down, and I need to remember that in life, it's okay to be happy - it's a praiseworthy goal, particularly when it takes nothing from others. Shutting my brain down takes nothing from others and it makes me content. That is a satisfactory end state of being.

4) I prefer, in any given situation, to be alone, all else being equal.
This is what I know of my upbringing:
My mother is not a loving person, and she abused me emotionally far worse than physically (my brother abused me equally physically and emotionally). The result of the way I was raised is that I'm externally validating, and I lack self-confidence. I worry that others dislike me. I have a nefarious habit of imagining that others dislike me for reasons that are valid.

When I am around others, I often read from them that I am doing something wrong...

I can't seem to help this all that much, despite all the therapy I paid for. And it happens even when I'm around the people with whom I feel the most trust (Cindy, Laura, etc.). Therefore, any time I can be alone, I will embrace it. When I'm alone, there is no one to make me feel awkward for who I am or whatever it is I am doing.

I don't want a divorce, I don't want my wife to go away. I enjoy her company; I just try to pick the times and circumstances in which I'm going to be alone carefully with her. At work, I prefer to work alone. I do not suffer in solitude, no matter how long I am kept there.

That's about all I have time for.
Yay for entry 300!


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn