Personal Journal

Rut Again

I'm here to write about how I feel some big lie I've been telling for years is about to be uncovered.
I'm not telling some big lie. I'm a pretty honest person, and my integrity is important to me.

I don't know where this feeling comes from.
Regrets, I guess.
I regret being this fat, but I've accepted the habits that have me here.
I regret being as financially arthritic as I am. I'm working on that.
I regret falling behind in school (yet again) but this weekend I will catch up.
I regret having to handle all of my dad's monetary affairs since his death, and I got caught up with that a few minutes ago, and nothing really has changed (and won't until the end of this month).

I regret getting caught up in an internet discussion in which I let myself grow increasingly angry. I said my last word and haven't checked back there. I'm currently avoiding the message board and successfully.

I regret my anger, I think that's bothering me a lot. I'm getting back to letting anger go.

I don't know whether I need therapy or not. The pull toward it is strong, but I don't know what it solves at this point. And it costs money, which I'd like to conserve.

I have encountered the me that wants to hate myself, and he is a surprisingly powerful entity. Has so much fuel to draw on.
It occurs to me that I do not know how to forgive myself for human mistakes.

I'm not even a perfectionist. It's not like I'm some driven James Cameron spending 7 years on a project 18 hours a day to make it perfect. I'm a fat slacker who plays more hours of video games than he does studying for grad school.

I don't know where this is getting me, this journal entry.
Lost again, and I would love to take down time and recover - but I just had 4 days of awesome downtime with my niece (in law) over the weekend.

It's the job now, I think. I've gotta get out of here. It's 10 hours of my day spent in a state of heartache, of hopelessness. It reminds me that I can't get another job elsewhere. It reminds me that all this commuting time keeps me from doing what I need (exercise primarily). It reminds me that grad school is a gamble.

People I respect say that you never regret paying for an education, but I wonder.
Hope. I miss it.

I know I should be counting blessings, because I have so many. So much good fortune. But it feels like extinction is staring me down.
I'm so down some days.
I'm so desperate others.
I understand why I'm angry.
Other than exercise, I don't know what to do with it.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn