Personal Journal

A few days later

I got through the week despite the bad phone interview. I didn't apply for any more jobs, or even look. I smoked a lot. I rode a good bit. Life got to feel a little more open, comfortable, expansive.

My weekend wasn't without incident. I pissed off an old college friend with a Facebook post, and a newer, kayak friend with a Facebook post. The former forgave me and realized she'd misinterpreted a subordinate clause (her fault, not mine in construction). The latter de-friended me. That bothered me, but it's his life and if he wants to censor the opinions he's exposed to, that's his right.

But those incidents got me to feeling very unlikable as a person. And that's lingered on me for a few days. I think because I have a handicap in my ability to like myself, these kinds of things do stick and linger, and I have to struggle not to let them fester. I got mad at the kayak guy for being a pussy. I don't think that's an equitable response (by the way, I did apologize, but in the apology I also made a point of my opinion, and I think that's what made him go his own way).

I need to be down on Facebook. It's not doing anything to improve or enhance my life that's particularly meaningful. I prefer ananymity anyway. Will post less. Read less.

I went on a 27-mile ride on the Air Force Academy with Greg and some friends, including his wife. I came in last. I think the smoking has been excessive, and I think that's had a huge impact on my breathing. I did the whole ride, and I didn't complain. I was fine on the flats, but the ride is so much elevation gain. Anyway, it sparked me to resolve to quit, and though I smoked that day (because I was so distraught at how poorly I rode), I didn't yesterday. I'm just happy to have gotten through yesterday without feeling the need or the compulsion. We're going to do that ride again this weekend, possibly twice. I want to feel improvement.

I have to find safe, protected places for myself emotionally right now. I'm so fragile. I'm awaiting the next kick in the crotch from life, or in repurcussion from some act that I thought harmless, even humorous. I'm sad, but not depressed. Fragile is the perfect word for it.

I played some on the computer last night. I enjoyed it a lot. I had a good dinner with Laura.
And Laura got me the most heart-warming card after my bad interview. Lifted my spirits a little, and made me very grateful for her.
Oh, ironically, she got the one job she applied for this year, with about a 50 percent pay raise. I'm extremely happy for her, and for us, because that money will help a lot. I'm not even particularly grieved at our differing fates. Such is life. And she was already a part-time worker in a different role at this company, so it's not illogical to see she had a huge advantage compared to all the jobs I apply for.

I applied for one job yesterday.
I'm not going to look today.
I'm going for a bike ride.

I do think I'm mildly unlikable.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn