Personal Journal

Need, Want, Habit, and that other word

Yes, I am stoned again, every night since perhaps Tuesday of last week? Maybe one other.

I came home from school tonight, got home around 9:45, and even though my day overall was pretty good, I knew I wanted to relax more deeply and quickly, and I felt the decision happen on the ride home that I was going to take my one hitter and take a couple hits.

And I did.
And I relaxed quickly and deeply.
And in general I feel pretty good about the decision as it was made tonight.

It troubles me that I've been high every night for 8 days, and really, over the last month, easily 16 days (i.e. at least half the days).

I've determined something:
When I want to relax, I find smoking my medicine (as I have an Rx now and can buy fine medical grade shit) to help me achieve that goal.

I am relaxed, detached, and completely in control. I have no negative emotions at the moment. Even the whisp of concern is cloudy and removed like some old-world country we've heard our grandparents talk about.

Yes, well, what I'm saying is that I, like probably everyone else, try to find relaxation in life. And pot gets me there in exactly the right way.

I was listening to Willie Nelson the other day, talking about using pot daily, and saying "I use it to feel normal." Is that what this is, or should I (as is usual and mostly unhelpful) look for my own maliciousness or malignancy even when such may not be present at all?

I would rather smoke more pot than eat my way to relaxation and comfort (which I have done, and which is a subject of great consternation in my own head). I've learned this week, as I got out on the long hill climb, that pot isn't impacting my exercise and cardio too much.

And I find myself thinking to myself that maybe for me it's okay to smoke a lot of pot. Maybe, I truly mean hopefully... as my life improves (less school, more pay, more free time) I will need/want less of it. I don't know. I don't even know that I'm giving myself permission to continue on in this manner. I would say that I'm considering the process of considering that question. But a part of me would like to prove that I don't have a compulsion/addiction problem.

I remember how I was in those two weeks or 17 days that I was dry after the job interview. I was cranky. But I was cranky because I was in the heat of that respiratory infection that kept me out of exercise for literally four straight weekends. I certainly believe I am capable of stopping on a moment's notice for any required duration.

I just am not sure what benefit such an exercise in teetotalling actually produces except the idea (which at its existential best is always an illusion) that we have total control over our lives and our selves. I think I could. What point in there in trying, unless an actual, honest to god job opportunity comes along.

Hmm, on that note, perhaps there's my answer, as I applied for 3 jobs today, and have an acquaintance in a position to vouch that I'm probably not a serial killer... That's one reason I'd like to start some abstinance today. Something to ponder.

I am in control of my life.

I like having detachment, even to an extreme from the daily grinding things like futile career and school I never really 'wanted'. This frees me, and freedom is the thing I feel that I need the most.

If I were to listen to my heart, I surely would keep smoking and stop looking for work until I graduate or something fortuitous comes along. I'm tired of trying to make my own luck, and I'm fatigued by it enough to seep back into the tides and save some goddamn energy for a while.

I have 11 months ostensibly until I graduate. I'd like to believe I've done things harder than this, but actually that might not be true. It also might be true that I've lost a step of endurance ath the moral fiber level. I can't let yself contemplate that or I will end up in a bad place.

I definitely should be getting to bed. I'm ready for it.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn