Defying Fortune

Burn My Shadow.

(The Music)
A song by U.N.K.L.E. Very trippy video. I definitely enjoy the lyrics. Take a listen.

(The Life))
What do you do with major time on your hands?

The paper is finished. I had a near-fatal breakdown but I got it done. It didn't run out half bad but by the time I handed it in I didn't really care at that point. Thanks, BTW, to A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo . I'm glad to know there are others out there with similar experiences.

I haven't been on much, and for those waiting for reviews and replies to email, I'm sorry. Those may seem hollow but they are sincere. I'm trying to get my act together. This hasn't been my best showing. I was fried. Still slightly crispy. But things are coming back together.

The decision to take nothing but Tai Chi this summer until I head off to Ireland was a hard one. Yet, given my weird state-of-mind, probably for the best. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm getting on that damn plane in July. I just need some time off. I haven't done that in over a decade. I think it's time.

But what do you do with severe amounts of time on your hands?

I think...more like overthink. And I remember. And I ponder those shadows that have been following my around since I was little. And I try so very hard to not get angry or bitter or sweat something that I have no power in changing.

That night with my paper I came unglued. I was talking with my guy and I was frustrated and so very tired, but I couldn't for the life of me explain why. I couldn't tell him why I was tired. I've been running off pure mental power for so long I didn't have the words...but then he gave me a little push and told me he could take whatever I had to lay on him.

Maybe I said it out of spite or anger but I took him at his word. The sheer verbal sewage that came pouring out was quite awkward to look at days later. I told him everything I had thought and felt, every dark little thing I carry with me. Some it he knew, others of it he had guessed. I laid it out at his feet.

And it didn't stop there.

I said somewhat of the same thing to my mom, in one of the longest sentences spoken in this lifetime without a breath taken. I told her why I couldn't take it anymore. How I wished things in life were a little bit fairer. Just a little. That I didn't want to have to fight an uphill battle every damn time. Everything came out, well, almost everything.

She gave me a hug. That type of mom hug that takes you back to when you were small and the world was still not as fucked up as it was going to be when you got older. I felt four again when things were still somewhat okay and mom could fix everything that went wrong in the universe.

Then I talked with my guy. He didn't sugarcoat anything, but said the absolute best thing to say in a moment of insanity. If there was ever a doubt to how much I feel and trust about him, it died then because he is the best friend a person could have. One of the only people I feel safe enough to lean on for a second when everything seems lost.

So I've been thinking a lot and wondering and trying to find the courage to write again. There is a story, deep inside, that I should write to clear the shadows. We all have them, those ghosts that attach themselves to our bodies and minds, feeding off those less than stellar moments. I think during this next month I'll write it. For what do you do with major time on your hands?