I'm Studying You

If I don't say this, I will implode.

Good morning Studyees. I'm gonna cut to the quick. I am an unhappy mess.

I am also a eff-you-see-kay dash up.

It's haunting me enough and I need to speak to it.

I have committed a serious crime. Unbeknownst to me. Love me for my humor, hate me for my game, but hear the playa out. I'm all but screwed, and the time is big.

Once I got a job, back in the day of 2008/9, I failed to properly amend my unemployment claimings. I just kept claiming. I woke up on a Sunday morning and it was like every Sunday morning for the last who knows how many Sunday mornings, and called my claim in. Even though I was working a part-time job. In my experience with unemployment, you're still allowed to collect if you make a certain percentage less than what you made before. My failure was claiming the max, instead of actually listening to the options via touchtone. When you get into a rhythm, you just go with it, and not look back.

I was making a nice chunk of money when I was legitimitely unemployed...my past job was in the vicinity of approx. $15/hr. The job I took was approx. $1 over minimum wage, and far below the dollar percenatage that would require me to take an offered job. Basically, I didn't have to take the job at Borders because the pay was a lot less than what I'm qualified for. But I took the job. And I loved it for the most part. But I still could've claimed partial unemployment. And that's where I screwed myself.

To the tune of almost $8,000. I know, right? Amazing how it adds up, when it's going toward paying rent, buying food and covering bills.

Ironically, I have a full-time job now, making about half of what I was making at my last job. Busting my ass, working hours I don't like, and missing out on random things because I have to work.

I made this bed, and I'll lie in it. I'm not asking for pity or simpathy.

I've been to court three times already. They want at least 50% in retribution. Amazing, since I can't make that much in a given week. Next court date is gonna be a killer.

New York State has its head up its collective ass. Tax me all you want, rape me for the little I have, suck up what little of a tax refund I get, and then put the screws on me? Yeah, I get it that unemployment is high, but isn't the purpose of the unemployment office staff to help the unemployed find jobs...in their field, and with comperable wages? Maybe the state should look into their practices with the unemployed, and if there's such a demand, they should've hired people to keep better tabs on the less fortunate.

Or, since I've basically been employed all my life (with a few lapses) after the age of 15, consider all the unemployment taxes I've paid into as your retribution. Don't recall me trying to feed a family or keeping up with basic utilities. But what do I know? Other than my fuckups are now pretty much tearing apart the family I worked so hard to to have.

I want to die.

To make matters worse, it turns out that I work with a woman (that I've been nice to but barely have we shared five words at a time together) who knows my long-lost brother and mother. My mother did me some wrong and we've been estranged, but this brother is a blood brother...one I had nothing ever in common with, but reconciled with around the millenium but lost touch. The co-worker is apparently friends with my mother, and went to my mother's mother's funeral last weekend. A bad situation all around. My grandmother had nothing to do with the way my mother acted toward me when I was a teenager, and it was unfair of me to take her out of my life, but I knew she would've gotten my mother involved, and she did some shady shit to try to get a hold of me. The scary part is my grandmother lived to be 89. I don't want to live that long. I don't want to lose the house I've been in for so long. I don't want to lose my head. Last I heard of her, back in '95, was that she was going blind. Her hearing was already shot. If this is in my blood, which already features her daughter (my aunt) dead from brain cancer at a youngish age, and my dad's history of strokes and total loss of hearing and not giving a fuck about much, damn...I don't want to suffer. Take me soon and quick!

Thank you (the one or two of you who might read this) for letting me vent. It means a lot more to me than you can imagine. It's been a strange and crazy week. I love you all. Goodnight now. Wish me luck.