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Silly Stuff...Why Am I Sharing This?!

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Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again.
Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them.
Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.
~ Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

Have you ever pushed life's events of the past so far back in your mind's memory that you almost forget that it actually happened, or that you can't believe you actually did that what you have pushed into darkness, and subtly comes into light? Oh mannn...I was reminded of the shameful things I did when I was younger. All I could do when I was reminded, was ask myself..."Wow...did I really do such a thing?" My answer..."Yessss...you did, you silly bird!"
We've all been there...done that I am sure, but getting down to the core of who I am now, I can't believe I would be so heartless. I believe I was to some degree. Let me get into what led up to this memory coming to mind.
I had gotten off the computer here this morning, and got into my car ready to venture up into the hills, but Noooooooooooooo!!...the dark clouds had suddenly appeared and all around me was gloom. I'm not pointing any fingers or anything <cough>but a friend of mine and yours assured me I was going to be getting sunshine, but Nooooooooo!!!...anyway, immersed in a depressing feeling that the dark clouds all around me brought, my phone rings...it's my 'friend' who we call 'Winter' calling to ask me if we are still on for getting together for his birthday. I have learned in my life that it's sometimes best to get the worst over with, and I shared with him the fact that I didn't feel it was going to be better at another time, if any, for us to get together. He seemed to get the feeling that I was 'blowing him off' (as he said), and I stepped up to the plate to say...'well....I just don't feel it would be a good idea, I don't feel we will be getting any further in this relationship and what time I have in my life, I don't like to waste it.' Heck if I didn't hurt his feelings. I didn't mean it the way it may have come out. I didn't mean to imply that he was a 'waste of time'. I just don't believe in leading anyone on.
Which brought up the memory of shame!
Spring time...My third year in college, last semester...I had been dating a guy for years, and every day we would spend our time together. Mutual female friends from college....asking if I am going to join them(females) in renting a place down at the beach that summer. Difficult for me to say yes, but I so desperately wanted to have some 'fun' with my friends, so I said..'I don't know...we'll have to see what happens.' I knew the guy I was dating wouldn't be happy with me going down without him...what was I thinking?! So what did I do? I arranged an argument with him...He was mentioning that he had to prepare for next fall, as he was in medical school and I took it as an opportunity to break up with him. What did I say?..."I think you need to find yourself!" Oh my gawwwd! We broke up...I went down for a week and expected he would be waiting for me when I got back...Nope! His sister introduced him to a girl and he told me that he thought maybe I was right...maybe he needed to find himself and be sure of what he wanted in life. I was devastated...I knew I had shot myself in the foot and there would be no healing.
I attempted everything to get him back, including trying to get him jealous. An older guy(about 6 years older)asked me out...he was really smitten with me, so much that he asked me after 6 months to marry him and my attempt to get the other guy jealous was in accepting his proposal. I knew deep within it wasn't right, and I was only going to hurt myself in the end. When the guy found out I was engaged(I cleverly made sure it got back to him! ) he asked me to break it off and shared with me it was me who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...I stood tall and proud...and in a revengeful way, said..'Nope!'
Well...to make a lonnnng story shared short, the guy who proposed played guitar and one night he came over and asked if I'd listen to a song he wanted to sing for me. All the time I am trying to figure out a way to break this engagement off because I knew I was really going to botch my life up if I didn't. He sat on my sofa next to me, and began strumming and singing 'Annie's Song'. Soon the tears began to flow and flow and ...I was crying. Ohhh he really thought he had touched my heart-strings with this 'gift' he presented me with. He stopped singing and with a gentle smile said softly, "Ohhhh I made you cry...well, I just wanted to share how I feel about you is all! I love youuu!" And the water-works started flowing more. He touched my face and wiped away the tears asking, 'What's wrong?!' This guy had no clue what was about to hit him!...I burst out with the truth. I killed this guys ego..I killed his feelings...I killed his heart. I felt horrible (for one evening, but felt better the next day)! What a horrible thing I had done.
Sometimes it's good to go back and see your mistakes and allow them to serve as a reminder for you, either not to do such things again, or have them not be done to you again. Sometimes 'truth' can hurt. After that, I made a radical change in my life. I swore not to live in unhappy circumstances, and instead make the changes necessary, if necessary, because living like that was not bringing me peace of mind nor joy. I have found that there are many who would conform to a life filled with unhappy circumstances simply to have security amongst other things they imagine themselves to need from out there or from someone else.
I think our life's joy comes from being adventurous and taking chances. These encounters with new experiences seems to feed our spirits. I have learned that joy doesn't emanate only from relationships. The Creator has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. You just have to be adventurous enough to grasp it. Some just fear being alone. I personally can't think of anyone else I have come to feel comfortable with more than with my own self and the places that I surround myself in and around. It has gotten me to a point where I know 'me' better and can actually feel joy and peace of mind. Just thoughts shared this night!!!

My 'Gift' Of Song For You This Day~No...I can't place out Annie's Song! I laugh hysterically every time I hear it!

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