"Her"

April Showers

"Still worried about me?" I ask her once things are quiet.

Not as much as I was, no.

"This is also the time of year when I grow the most. Simply because I've got nothing left to lose. I'm sure if anyone else had had the amount of sheer bad luck I've had the past few weeks, they'd be ripping their hair out. Not me. This little period of fuckupitude will be over soon. I just have to wait things out."

You miss them still, don't you?

"My friends? Of course. But I can't keep going back and forth over this, blaming them, or blaming myself. I saw the ending of our friendship from a long time ago. I guess it just lasted longer than I expected."

When you came out to them, you expected to lose them then, and you didn't care, did you?

"No. I was trying so hard to be me. The real me for the first time in my life. I had to do it."

This is a continuation of the process for you isn't it?

"Yes. And I can't be held back. I think I would grown even more if I wasn't so worried about them or how they would treat me. It's okay if I'm gay, as long as I listen to their music, or don't bring other people around them? Not happening. I had to hide so much of myself from them, water myself down. I'm through with that. I've gotta be me completely."

She is closing her eyes, but even then I can see the light stream from her eyelids like tears. Your heart's glowing now. I can feel it.

"But will it consume me?" I sigh. "I hate being alone almost as much as I hate dumbing myself down for others."

Perhaps there is a way to have everything you want. You just need to meet the right people.

I nod. "You're right. It's time to begin a new chapter in my life. The last one's finished."