Defying Fortune

Not Too Late

((The Music))
The lovely Norah Jones. She's a musician with a broad spectrum of experimentation when it comes to her songs as well as poignant lyricist. Each of her albums has a different flavor, and I have yet to find a song that I didn't like. "Not Too Late" seems a fitting song for the day. A sense of hope - my new motto, lol. Especially with lyrics like this:

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever is.

((The Life))
This was one of those days where everything didn't really fall into place until the very end. I went to my first class unprepared. My paper wasn't finished and I have never faced a situation like that before. Mostly because I've never faced an undone assignment like that. And yet, I wasn't anxious. With all that that has happened a running question throughout my mind is - what's the most important thing?

The next class I had held an exam. I studied for about an hour before testing time, but I knew there was much I couldn't retain. I went to an exam unprepared and knew off the bat I wasn't going to do well. Yet, I paused in feeling awkward. That pesky question popped up again - what's the most important thing?

Losing June has made me feel as if I haven't been going at life in the right direction, that I might have lost the big picture along the way. I stress out over every test, every paper, every assignment, every class. I've been doing that sense I was little. It's a pressure that builds and builds until it explodes. It's what drives me to strive for my best.

That feeling has disappeared.

I was worried about losing that feeling. What the hell am I going to do now? How will I ever get things done? But as I sat for a while after my exam, I realized that failing one exam isn't going to kill me. On the big picture of life this is a tiny nub. I will move forward and do my best, but I don't need to kill myself in the process.

There are times when I'm working on a project where I will wake in the middle of the night worried about what is and isn't finished. The details attack my dreams. It's this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Dear God, how the hell did I let it get this far?

I resolved to finding a balance between the two states of mind. I need some push but not as much as I had before. I'll be pushing myself over the edge if I'm not careful. It's not too late to change things. As my grandfather used to say, "It's only too late when the dirt hits the top of your coffin."

I finally gotcha, Grandpa.