Defying Fortune

Bullet With Butterfly Wings

((The Music))
This is an old favorite from The Smashing Pumpkins. I stole the title of the song for the name of my NaNo this year, which goes to show how music can inspire. Today, the grittiness of the tune plays well with everything else I'm feeling at the moment. Turmoil is way too big for the internal conflict. A little blue makes me sound like a cheesy sixties ballad sans the hair. The imagery of a bullet with butterfly wings sound perfect in comparison. That's why I love SP - they always have something I'm looking for.

((The Life))
Ah, the life. The life sucks at the moment. There is no more force of motion. There is no movement nor deep feeling of peace. There is no raging anger or overwhelming desire to dwell on. No creative flow. No anxiety that will propel me forward. There is only this feeling of sorrow that has left me useless as a human being.

There's no way not to make that sound melodramatic because it really isn't. If I could compel something from all of this, I wish I could do so. My heart still beats. My lungs are still functioning. My brain is still moving a light speed. I simply have no will today. Like the other day. And the other day before that one. This is starting to become a trend I really don't like.

The funny thing is that I can tell you why.

When I was seventeen I was diagnosed with something called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was the reason I was strangely normal during my high school days. Freaked people out. In order to fix my hormones I've had to take birth control to make me functionally insane (i.e. normal functioning female). Now I go through the monthly weirdness like every other woman I know. I also get to deal with the side effects of my disease as well as my med.

Here's the kicker - the underlying cause of my disease doesn't happen often. I've had very few cysts in my life. Thank God Almighty. They hurt like living hell. Possibly the female equivalent to being kicked in the balls only it lasts longer - about two weeks.

A cyst on my right ovary was my gift for the new year.

Passing a cyst isn't fun. The constant feelings of shards of glass feeling in the pelvis is horrible. The party afterward however is the true picnic. It spikes your hormones like its going out of style. I feel things I don't normally feel. There are definite issues here that are killing me. I can't seem to shake the sadness that has overwhelmed me. I can't even muster the anger about feeling this way. The only thing that sounds possibly satisfying is curling up in a ball in the corner and waiting it out for a week.

I go to the doctor on Monday. I know what will happen afterward. They'll switch the meds around, and hopefully that'll be all. Maybe then I can get some drive back. Maybe then I won't feel like such a worthless piece of shit. Maybe then I can give a shit about what's going on around me, and not want to hide away all day. I hate this because I don't know how to stop. I just want my life back.