Complex Numbers

No.

You know what else sucks about having a cold? Besides being unable to sleep, having a nose that runs faster than an illegal alien in Brownsville, displacing vertebrae every time I cough, screwing up my face like a prude viewing porn for the first time every time I get one of those sinus itches, blowing through three packages of tissues a day, and having everyone else treat you like a leper?

This:

"Are you taking anything for it?"

NO. I'm not taking anything for it. You know why? Because nothing will make it go away. The best I can do is moderately alleviate the symptoms, and the snake oil they sell over the counter is next to worthless, to me, for anything but parting me with my hard-earned cash.

But they don't listen. Everyone has his or her own favorite "remedy."

"You should take Sudafed." - not only will that get me put on a List faster than propositioning a 13-year-old (another thing I'm not going to do, by the way, just so you know), but it dries out my throat to the point where it's painful to swallow.

"Drink lots of that Emergen-C stuff." - placebo.

"Take 'Airborne'" - ditto.

"Mix up some sugar, lime juice, and honey." - Yeah, that's real scientific.

"Tea?" - Yeah, okay, that makes me feel better for a while, but I like tea anyway.

No one ever seems to mention how great it would be to chug an entire bottle of rum. I imagine that would knock the cold right out - along with me.

So, no, I'm not taking anything. Go back to treating me like a leper. That way I don't have to croak out why your patent concoction won't work, between spine-shattering coughing fits.

Looks like when this is over, I'll be visiting my chiropractor.

(Yes, I know they're quacks, too. But at least she's cute.)

Yes, I know this cold is turning me surly. Or maybe it's the Season of Greed again. It's like the poster I saw downtown yesterday: "Yes, the glass is half full - but sometimes, it's half full of CRAP."

Edited to add: Okay, chicken soup might work - but only if it were made by a Jewish mother. That's just how it is.