The World Against Us

One for You

         I’ve slowly come to grasp, there are people in this world where you will be constantly thrown up against. Whether that’s to be a pleasant notion or, perhaps, one of rivaling angst, I suppose it depends on the perspective. And, the person, as well as the circumstances, I can imagine, would definitely have an effect of the general affect of the meetings. But who knows, I’ve rather stopped trying to pin-down the exact reasonings and consequences behind it all; it’s given me a headache for far too long to even try to commit to the thought any longer. So, I suppose, I’ve just had to slowly accept that I was going to have perfection in my life, thrashed about in my face like vomit of my six-month-old niece.
         It doesn’t help that it’s a bit of a lie, if there can be such thing as weight in untruths. For certainly, just as much as our past times are filled to the water-load of falsehood, there’s a depth of knowledge I couldn’t begin to explain. At least, I can’t reveal it quite yet. I’m still thrown into every situation my body seems to be able to muster up for me. And, all of those glorious situations I am talking about, seem to correspond around him.
         Consecutive times, I was caught up in his world, drawn to his vision. And yet, I’ve remained fully adapted to the line outside of natural vision. He didn’t have to try to create a scene; he had enough talent to make the scene come to him, it seemed. So, when I would come back home from my detour to the library after school, it wouldn’t be unnatural for him to be a few blocks down from my house, amongst his limelight.
         Tonight was no different night. He had his arms wrapped around a lamp-post, whispering with unimaginable guile, lines which were probably more accustomed in a movie from the forties than in modern day time. I can’t say I didn’t know him, for certainly, it would be social faux-pa of my school to dare utter inexplicably unsure words towards his princely being. In all due fact, I could very much assume correctly that I knew him far better than most, if not any. But, then again, if those who flocked around him knew him, they would know that we’d been neighbors since the second grade. And, since they don’t spare the time, nor the desire of truth, to actually see beyond the shallow visage, I’m just another being to add to the beautiful boy’s menagerie when we reach the public eye.
         To say his words were slick, would have been an complete and utter lie for the male society to grasp hold, and yet, I was still while observing, not even bothering to stake my claim to a spot amongst his gathered horde, but stable and watching, just awry of the shadows. I did better as his ghost rather than as a part of his posse, and he most certainly knew this, for it was an understanding we had long-since come into agreement.
         It wasn’t the fact he didn’t want me to be seen, and it didn’t go the other way as well. Certainly, we didn’t deny each other’s existences; we just simply went on with our own. There had been more than a few times when our relationship was questioned by a passing fangirl, and yet, it was simply shrugged off. There was nothing to our interlocking lives, just as much as there was everything to it.
         The main brunt of the time, his flock of ever-loving, ever-adoring followers were laughing ridiculously, clutching their backpacks to their stomachs, as if eternally afraid of what was going to happen if they actually understood what they were laughing at. It was hard to even see if what I was acknowledging was even half-way amusing, and yet, I couldn’t help but pass a certain smirk before my lips. He just had that power.
         His current girlfriend, Mei, was looking slightly perplexed, as if unsure whether she should sincerely be enjoying this random occurrence of absurdity, or be irritated by the lines to which should be directed to her, instead of an inanimate object. He’d gone through enough girls for him to realize that, in order to keep a decent hold of a partner, he needed to change his personality a bit in order for them to cease their jealously, or, perhaps, find a different kind of girl. And yet, he never once considered that idea. He would change for no one. And I always considered it one of his better qualities. Yet, it certainly did cause him to lose quite a bit.
         “Uh, Shinji... Shiiiinji. Come on, I thought... Shinji!”
         And as assuredly as I knew that tone of voice, I understood what was coming next.
         Mei’s eyes gave off a steady warning, if her voice wasn’t aggressive enough. And yet, Shinji, always the over-entertainer, was on his encore, and therefore, lost to her will.
         All I could do was watch with a sick sense of amusement, understanding and sadness as Shinji flung himself away from the pole, proclaiming his love as lost, and thus, needing comfort, propelled into the embrace of the nearest of his friend, who was explicably male. Nestling into the crevice of the poor boy’s armpit, I couldn’t help but let out an explicit chuckle.
         The noise of the laughter should have easily covered my small chortle, and yet, within a moment’s pause, Shinji’s eyes found mine. It was a talent we had rather picked up over the years, and it wasn’t anything less than what it was. There was nothing more to it, as well. We simply knew each other’s presence. And, we both understood that we existed, even if it was less than known by others.
         Not allowing my breath to catch, I simply let out a sigh and wiggled my fingers down at my side: my sign that I was giving him some attention. To which, his response was a boisterous grin and detachment from his friend, who greatly let out a sigh of relief, the poor boy.
         Of course, with the sudden departure, I couldn’t help but quickly draw back, knowing that he would be coming towards me within the moment: a prancing youth chasing after his mother. And surely, with whispers of concern from his rejected group, and small murmurs of excitement at the clear distaste which was radiating off of Mei, he reached me. His black hair had lost his part, and was dancing across his forehead as if the breeze wanted to give some affection to the boy. Everyone and everything wanted to touch Shinji.
         I had been quite a distance away from his pack, not wishing to confuse myself as anything less or anything more. But, there was always something far more enjoyable catching a close-up glance of the boy, than ever staring at the sidelines.
         With his mysterious green eyes dancing, his breath caught as if he was about to say something. And yet, whatever was to be asked quickly was dismantled by the protestant squeal of Mei.
         Shinji, with his back turned from the rest of his friends, let go of a cringe which could only be seen in my direction, and ignoring her for a moment, tugged on the edge of my shirt with a playful grin.
         “I’m coming over tonight. Wait up for me.”
         If he had spoken words, that’s what would have been said. And yet, there were rarely words between us when others were present. For certainly, what we had to say to each other wasn’t for the ears or minds for those who couldn’t understand. And, we were too preoccupied and selfish to believe there were those who could comprehend us.
         With a quick action, I gently prodded at his belly button as a warning towards the violent looks I was receiving from Mei, and then, without any reservation, agreed by tugging at his own shirtsleeve.
         After the quick exchange, I bobbed my head, and tilted my feet towards the direction of home, while he jogged back to his entourage and steaming girlfriend, who was slowly losing the patience to which she wasn’t particularly known for having.
         “Shinji. Let’s go.” The words were whispered, but I could still practically hear the venom in her voice, even with the distance to which was spreading. But, perhaps it wasn’t her anger at all that I was hearing, nor the actual utterance. But, certainly, I could hear Shinji. And, what he was saying was simply a brave front of understanding and sadness.
         I felt my chest quickly contract, and my heartbeat dared to jump out of place, as if in tune with his own pain.
         “All right, peoples, it seems my lady needs some quality ‘me’ time. So, I dare say, we’re going to motor. See you of the tomorrow!”
         To the normal ear, his words wouldn’t have been anything, and yet, I never once qualified myself as anything above or below the odd factor. Therefore, with the fact that his words had no resonance to it, no truth and all together too much sadness, my feet couldn’t help but cease moving.
         Immobilized in the darkness, none of the disbanding group cared to pay attention to the girl who gained a mere moment of a pleasant vision with the princely Shinji. It wasn’t that I was unknown in that world of his, but I was just one other to add to his numerous friends.
         That was fine by me. No one but him and I needed to know the truth, whatever the situation warranted as such. We were simply what we were to each other; we weren’t held to any other particular standards.
         But, while I stood there, I couldn’t help but want to protect him, even if it was only in the slightest. At least, I wanted to him the choice of running away. There wasn’t an ounce of my knowledge which said he would take it, and yet, I still just wanted to give him a bit of courage.
         Slinking back in the corner, the brick wall giving me some emotional support along with the physical. I was just far enough away from them that they could no longer see me, but close enough I could still hear their words.
         “And then, Zwei totally laid the smack-down on those poor wimps. It was all, BAM! BOOM! SMACK! K-O’ed. Ahh, such a great anime. Phantom is the uber-love.”
         Stalling. He was totally stalling. It was as if he was waiting for me to give him a push in the right direction. Or, perhaps, that was me just being selfish, who knows.
         “Shinji, we really need to...”
         Before the fateful words could even reach her mouth, I raised my head to the moon which was just peeking out over the clouds, and let allowed the beast to rise.
         “Who the heck is howling?!” Mei’s irritation was surely becoming evident, and yet, the sudden burst of laughter which echoed out of Shinji was more than enough to make me feel as if my embarrassment was worth it.
         “Oh, probably just some wolf trying to protect her cub. Honestly, so protective.”
         Well, sorry for being protective! Pssh.
         “We don’t have wolves, Shinji. It’s probably just an idiot who had too much to drink,” she rationalized. I could practically see her digging at her cuticles in frustration.
         Ugh. Well, sorry for being a drunk idiot then!
         “Don’t say that.” Shinji’s words cut across Mei, as if back-handing her. I could practically hear Mei’s exclamatory intake of breath, and Shinji’s quick sigh as he tried to patch up his mistake. “I just mean, we can’t know.”
         Allowing a moment to cause my heart to stop beating furiously, I closed my eyes and tried to gather myself before I went back home. I had given him his option, and as I suspected, he hadn’t taken it.
         When I finally found myself present once more, Mei was still silent and Shinji still hadn’t walked off; so, I quickly opened my eyes to journey back. Only, as soon my eyes cleared out the darkness, two signing orbs were staring back at me. With a squeal which, on any other occasion, would have caused me to laugh furiously with myself, I flung myself out of the alley I had positioned myself in, tripping on two garbage cans and running into one mailbox.
With each corresponding misstep, I let out another squeak of panic, and soon found myself out in the open.
         With my hands on my knees, completely over-bent, I tried to get my heart back to a relatively reasonable state. And yet, before I could even do that, I felt a small fuzzy presence nestling against my leg. Looking down, a feline had decided I was it’s new toy. It would have been perfectly fine acknowledgement, if I wasn’t deathly afraid of cats.
         Before I could even stop myself, a scream rose in my throat and tears broke through my typically calm countenance. And the one person, the one name I shouldn’t have uttered, began to pass through my lips.
         “SHIN-” And yet, I couldn’t even get it out, for he was already at my side. He quickly picked up the cat, who let out a hiss of discontentment and frustration that his toy was being taken away, and scratched out a decent wound on Shinji’s hand. All the while, I had suddenly found myself in a fetal position, bawling onto my knees, allowing the tears to coat my legs.
         After Shinji’s quick removal of my demon, he was pulling me into a steady embrace. Latching on like someone who was drowning, I pulled him tight so that space was not an option, to where breathing was almost impossible. And yet, the pressure on my back was just as intense as that which I was applying to Shinji’s. His face was buried into my neck, as if trying to protect every inch of skin, as well as gaining some sort of emotional comfort.
         “Sh-Shi-Shinji. Shiinji. Shiiiiinji!”
         I don’t know how many times I uttered his name between sobs, or how long we sat there in that awkward position, and yet, Shinji’s heated breath whispered no actual words; it alone was the comfort.
         “Shinji.”
         It was Mei’s voice this time, and the clear sadness which was etched into the air was enough to make my sobs slowly cease as I realized how wrong this had all turned out, and the sight we were making right now. I slowly tried to pull out of Shinji’s embrace, and yet, he would have nothing of the sort. In all due fact, his arms clung a little tighter.
         “I’m taking her home,” he whispered, his voice rich an emotion I understood, and yet, knew it couldn’t be grasped by the likes of Mei.
         “But, Shinji...”
         Mei’s plea made no reaction in Shinji, as he gathered me up in his arms, and I quickly grasped hold around his neck so as to not completely fall off.
         Panic seized me as I realized he was going to throw away his chance to actually have a decent conversation with Mei, and thus, maybe get this all worked out. Who knows, maybe it was my optimistic side, but any chance that Shinji had of happiness, I wanted him to seize. And, if he was indeed happy with her, I couldn’t find any reason why I shouldn’t allow that to happen. We were everything to each other, sure. And yet, we were nothing to each other as well.
         “Shin-Shinji. P-put me down. You need... talk with her,” I tried to get the intelligent phrasing in my head to come out, and yet, my body was still in shock from the sudden exposure to my enemy.
         “Don’t be an idiot,” he whispered to me, as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around my waist.
         I knew this Shinji. After all, I knew every Shinji. He would have nothing to which I had to say, and I couldn’t help but fall back into his embrace.
         To say it felt odd to be seen in this position by the one person who didn’t need to witness it, was more than an understatement. For certainly, the confusion and pain which was etched across Mei’s face was enough to make me feel guilty for years, it would seem.
         And yet, just as quickly as the sadness arose, the anger took over.
         “You know, I always passed off those rumors of you two as just idiotic fangirls and you exes trying to pull up any kind of enemy they could find. I mean, you never talk to each other. And you barely are in contact with each other, it seems, except at random times with stupid actions to which no one understands. And yet, Shinji...” There it was again, the sadness I never wanted to see, and yet, always seemed to cause. “You’ve never once rescued me like that. I’ve never seen that face on you before... as if, your everything was in pain.”
         No, stop it, I don’t want to see this again. Every time. Why must it be every time? Shinji, I’m so sorry. Mei, I’m...
         “That’s right.”
         My head snapped up, eyes furiously trying to focus on Shinji’s face, only to be grieved by the frustration I was perceiving. And just as quickly, I followed his view to Mei, who’s tears were slowly traveling down her face, as if mapping down to her heart.
         “It’s right, huh? So, she’s...”
         “She’s my everything, yes.” Shinji’s words were straight arrows, directed at the one he wished to pierce. He was finished with these lies of his affection, it seemed. And, it was as if he was bursting to tell, to hurt.
         Reaching out, I tugged at his collar: my desperate attempt to make him stop his words. And yet, he couldn’t be handled in this manner.
         “Which would mean, I was...”
         “Nothing. Yes.”
         Mei’s face crashed down, crumbled as if she too had witnessed her greatest fear, and yet, this was far more vicious than felines; this was agony of the heart. All I could simply do was was close my eyes of to the onslaught of emotions and pain, which was flowing freely now. If I were to say anything, I know it would simply cause more grief for the girl who was already suffering. For surely, this was nothing which hadn’t been said before, and all due course, this was the sixth time Shinji had broken up with someone in such a fashion. Then again, I can only imagine this wasn’t how he had planned it; for most definitely, I had it pegged as another break-up from the females perspective. Now, though, Mei would only have the small comfort of interjecting the words which always came.
         “Then, let’s break-up,” she whispered with only a half-way truth to her.
         It was all over-played; I’d seen this pattern for so many years, and had already been fatigued by it since the first time.
         “If that’s what you want...”he agreed without any resignation. I could feel his arms shaking, and yet, I knew it had nothing to do with my weight. He hated this almost as much as I did, and yet, certainly, we couldn’t see any other option. This was our fate.
         Mei’s tears gathered quicker, building up a steady stream of heartbreak. She had liked him, I would give her that. She probably liked him more than most of his previous girlfriends had, and yet, that only made it harder.
         With slightly more desperation, I yanked at his collar, trying to bring some sort of resolution to this. She needed to be comfort, to be held, and yet, it was I who was locked in the arms of the boy she loved so dearly. And yet, Shinji remained selfish and needy, and I didn’t know if my knees would dare to work on their own yet. And yet, I couldn’t stand all of this emotion, this crazy life we had chosen for ourselves.
         Before I could even stop myself, more tears broke through my visage. Shinji had enough of our lies, and I was through my stoney humility. This was just far too much for my body to be able to handle right now. For certainly, I only bared emotions when in simply the presence of Shinji, and therefore, only associated myself with his feelings. And yet, here was interlocking presences floating around about me, stabbing and pressuring me to feel that which should not be felt.
         I couldn’t do anything about it, all I could do was watch as she cried, and sobbed along with her, while Shinji nestled into my hair. Again, he was trying to comfort me when there was one who needed it far more than I.
         “Why... why are you crying? You have him, don’t you? You won! Don’t you dare pity me,” Mei exclaimed, viciously scrubbing at her eyes, as if they had betrayed her. And who knows, maybe they had. For certainly, mine were amazingly working against my will right now.
         I didn’t know how to respond to such a ridiculous statement of someone who doesn’t understand. Of course, it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t begin to comprehend, and yet, there was nothing we could do. It had to be kept a secret: our life. So, all I could do was cry for her.
         “I’m sorry. I need to take her home now. I’m really sorry, Mei. Honestly.” Shinji’s words were honest and pained, and I could barely stop myself from sobbing harder against his chest.
         “Fine. Just fine. Go take care of her. We’re done now anyway,” Mei hissed, whipping herself around and charging towards the other direction, as if that alone would save her from the heartache. Certainly, if that was the way to counter it, I would wish her the longest walk imaginable. So, she could simply not have to deal with it after it was finished. And maybe, at the end, she would be able to find the one she was meant to be with. Then, she would just leave us alone in our lives, just like I wished everyone would. And yet, that never seemed to be an answer, not for us who are cursed.